The Power of Words

The power of words.

Tim Connor

Have you ever considered for just a moment the impact of your words on others?  Doesn’t matter whether it’s a sales call, coaching session, employee review or a simple conversation with your partner or one of your kids – words can have a short and immediate impact – positive or negative - on someone or  lifelong consequences that can heal or hurt another person.

Words are easy and often as the expression goes “cheap”.

Why do so many people say things they don’t mean or have no intention of honoring when they are saying them?

Or, why do people say things and they don’t even know what they really mean?

You’ve heard it, we’ve all heard it – don’t tell me – show me.

It’s becoming easier and easier for people today to just say things like;

You promised . . .

You said . . .

I promise . . .

I will . . .

Why are words so important when it comes to our personal integrity and the impact of words on others in our lives?

Why do people knowingly or even unknowingly say things they don’t mean, understand or intend?

Why do we let others set us up with their words, promises and commitments?

Why do words often create so much disappointment, frustration, resentment and even anger or fear?

These questions could go on and on but the real question is – why is there often a disconnect between words and actions?

Can we always control the outcomes connected with our words?  Of course not.

Do situations arise that we couldn’t anticipate that will change an outcome in a heartbeat?  Yes

As an author and speaker words are my stock in trade. Their meaning, intent and all the ways that a simple word can be interpreted can create varying degrees of responses.

For example;

When you say things like the following to someone what can these words or phrases mean,

-right away

-soon

-never

-always

-it depends

-I’ll consider it

-I meant

Every word or phrase we all use can be interpreted in many different ways by everyone.  In fact if we said to ten different people;

I’ll get to it as soon as I can, do you think this simple phrase would set up different expectations in each of these people?  Of course. We are all different in so many ways, so when you use a simple phrase like; I’ll get to this as soon as I can - it’s to be expected that everyone may hear a totally different message than was intended or even sent.

The key to improving understanding and reducing conflict in communication regardless of whether it is a customer, your spouse, a friend or an employee is to have a simple system of ensuring clarity and reducing misunderstanding.

Try an experiment right now.  Open your dictionary (if you still have one) and look up the word negative.  What did you find?  Well, I’ll help you out here; here are just a few of the ways this could be interpreted by others;

Damaging, Depressing, Harmful, Unhelpful, Unconstructive, Denial. Disapproving, Uncooperative, Pessimistic, Blaming, Opposing. And this is just a fraction of the words or definitions illustrated.

So when someone says you are being negative what do they mean?  Well, pick any of the above and you would be right.  However, if when you said it you meant that they were being unhelpful and they interpreted it as they were being disapproving do ya think maybe that an argument might follow?

The average person has a vocabulary of about 1500 words.  How many words do you think are in the modern dictionary?  Well, if you guessed 25-50,000 you’re not even close.

There are words and then there are actions and both of these are grounded in intention or the lack of it. There has been a lot written in the past few years about “intention”.  Exactly what is intention? Without going into a great deal of “heady” stuff here - intention is one of two things – stated intention and real intention.

Many people say they mean things when they really don’t.  The contradiction here is an inconsistency between what they say and what they really mean.

We’ve all been in relationships where people said things, said they meant them and even tried to convince us that their words and intentions were honest and real.  But we’ve all been side-swiped by the lack of integrity behind these so called words and subsequent actions or behavior.

There are always unforeseen circumstances that can get between words and actions, but one of the things we need to pay attention to are trends and subtle signals.

f you say you are going to be on time and there is a traffic jam, life happens, but if you say you are going to be on time and are always late well, that’s a trend.

I have no problem with you being late however; stop telling me that you are going to be on time when you know the chances of this happening most of the time are unlikely. 

Words are more than words, they are the way we communicate feelings, attitudes, beliefs, fears, hopes, dreams and so on, so if you keep telling the world you are going to do whatever it takes to accomplish something and the first time you hit a snag, you give in or up, well what were your real intentions? What gives words their integrity when it comes to interpretation is both your intent and following action and the ability or willingness of the other person to grasp what your real meaning is.

It’s simple, if you say one thing (stated intention) I’m going to lose weight and you don’t, well what do you think your real intention was?  You guessed it, to not lose weight.  So what’s the problem here?  Nothing unless you’re stated intentions don’t impact me.

Every day personal and business relationships break down or hit minor or major snags due to the lack of congruence between what is said and what is done.  I call this the set-up. This is when we allow others to set us up with their words and we fail to ensure that we both understand and accept their words as being grounded in integrity