Life’s Eight Essential Ingredients! Tim Connor

Life’s Eight Essential Ingredients!

Tim Connor

Life for some people is an easy day to day experience filled with joy, success, contentment, and love but for many, each day brings new or different challenges that force them to surrender to people or circumstances they can’t control and even give in or quit because they don’t have the resolve, purpose, faith or courage to overcome.

There are multiple traits, attitudes, values, and skills that can help each of us weather life’s storms and emerge each day victorious but I believe there are eight that are critical for everyone to master regardless of age, gender, race, economic status or health and they are; wisdom, discernment, a spiritual foundation, responsibility, integrity, action, courage, and resilience.  Yes, there are many more but over the years I have learned that if I can master these then even if I am void of any others I can still overcome, prevail, survive and look back on my life with peace.

But first why have I chosen just these eight as the essentials? Well, it wasn’t easy as I have been on a very active journey for over forty years of study, learning, evaluating, growing, overcoming, and considering.  I read on average - two books a week (and have for many years) by a wide variety of authors and I have learned a great deal about what does matter and what doesn’t in life (no I am not going to tell you how to live your life).  What works and what doesn’t and what to practice and what to let go of. 

Let me add however that I am not there yet, not even close as life is an ongoing lifelong process of learning and unlearning, letting go and hanging on to, losing and winning and growing and staying stuck. I am a student of life and not by any means an expert. 

I chose these seven for three reasons. 1) What have I learned that I wish I had learned earlier. 2)What have I learned that has made life more peaceful and filled with joy and 3) What have I learned that I wish I had avoided or let go of sooner.

So, now the eight.

Wisdom – First – wisdom is not information, intelligence, maturity, insight, character, knowledge, experience, or lessons learned.  It is the willingness and ability to blend all of these into a lifestyle that contributes to success, happiness, inner peace, contentment, and ease of living no matter what you have faced, dealt with, overcome, or has hit you like a 2x4 when you weren’t looking.  It’s the ability to face all circumstances, situations, people, failure, adversity and pain with a life view that shouts – I can’t control everything or everyone but I can control myself and I can learn to lean on God for guidance and not my self-sufficiency whether I am faced with trials and struggle or success and prosperity.  Wisdom is simply living wisely according to what is and not what was, or you hope will one day be.

We all want success and happiness, but we don’t always get to choose what will bring these to us.  We all want less adversity, struggle, and pain but we are the ones who get to decide what it means, how we react to it, what we learn and how it impacts every area of our life.  That my friends are wisdom.

Discernment – The ability to determine what is important, relevant, or necessary to achieve a worthwhile life includes the ability to choose wisely.  Today we have hundreds if not thousands of options, choices, and directions we could go but just because it’s easy, quick, or good doesn’t make it right.  Discernment is the ability to consider both the short-term impact of choices, decisions, and actions.  

When you live with this as a mindset you will live with less regret, disappointment, and frustration.  It doesn’t mean you will have fewer problems or even less failure, but you will be better equipped to deal with these when you choose with maturity, consideration, and a sense of reality.

A spiritual foundation – I’m not just referring here to religion, but a belief system grounded in a belief in God or a higher power. I believe it is necessary to have faith in God, but He also expects us to have faith in ourselves, our desires, dreams, and goals.  By this, I am by no means suggesting that our human faith in life will ever equal, replace or dismiss our faith in God but without faith in ourselves, it is very difficult to have faith in anything else.  A spiritual foundation grounds you in a certain degree of ethics, morals, and behavior that in the end will accelerate your life journey in the right direction.  I  have met hundreds of people around the world who lack a spiritual system or belief foundation and one common thing I noticed with all of them was their attitude that when things worked out they took the credit and when things didn’t they always blamed something or someone. They didn’t understand the basic premise that we are all broken and the only way to get fixed is to have a mindset that is grounded in something higher than ourselves i.e. God.

Integrity – We are living in a world that is filled with uncertainty, a lack of congruence when it comes to words and actions and is riddled with greed and self-absorption. And the ultimate consequences are a lack of personal, relationship, and business integrity.  Yes, many people say what they mean and mean what they say, but often separating these folks from the majority of society is becoming very difficult.  Integrity is becoming a lost behavior in many ways in areas of society and the outcomes are – chaos, dysfunction, emotional outbursts, and a lack of trust to mention a few.  Integrity is doing what is right not what you think or believe is right as “right” can be defined differently by everyone.  It is honoring basic fundamental human beliefs and values that add trustworthiness to relationships and human value.

Resilience – Quitting is easy.  Giving up is no challenge. Letting go – no problem.  Surrender – better than continuing g to feel the pain. OK, so why is resilience so important? I could go on for pages but a quick answer is; if you give yourself the option to quit or give in while pursuing a dream, goal or outcome do you think that the attitude of possible quitting if things get tough might just influence your actions or journey towards your desired outcome in a negative way? YES - it will. Resilience is a test of your commitment, dedication, resolve, purpose, mission, and ultimately how your personal life journey ends.

Responsibility – Responsibility is all about integrity, self-esteem, and looking in the mirror rather than pointing your finger at someone or something else. Ultimately the responsibility is a definite indication of your maturity and courage to fail, admit mistakes, and take whatever comes at you for the outcomes you created or contributed to. I don’t know how my life will end – broke or a millionaire but either way – I get the credit, or I take the responsibility.  I did it.  

And you know what – your life is the same – no matter how it turns out you can blame all you want but – you did it.

Courage – There are many ways to define courage – physical courage, emotional courage, mental courage, career courage, communication courage – need I go on? What are the common traits regardless of the type of courage life is asking you to demonstrate? Here are a few to consider; self-responsibility (you don’t behave, act, decide, believe, function based on other’s expectations, demands, or often even rules) you are guided by an inner sense of values based on integrity, wisdom, and respect. You are not afraid of failure, regardless of how others define it. You keep going as long as the end makes sense and you believe it is possible to achieve. And finally, you can adapt, adjust, modify, change, and grow as you move forward. You do this not driven by fear or the need for approval but because you realize nothing is certain and to achieve success you must be willing to grow, let go, and embrace the unknown.

Action – Decisions, goals, dreams, and plans without actions are meaningless. You would be amazed at how many people want better life outcomes in some areas of their lives and plan, dream, and hope but never act.  What’s the point in spending time in these activities if you fail to move forward?  Action does not guarantee success or failure, ease or struggle, positive or negative results but one thing is for sure – without it, you will never achieve anything.  Let me repeat to achieve you must act.  It doesn’t matter whether it’s losing weight, becoming a millionaire, or finding life joy and happiness – you have to act.  

Acting is never easy as it never guarantees you the results or outcomes you desire but often the process can teach you about what matters in life.  In other words, if you act and as you move forward you feel less comfortable with your outcomes along the way it may be time to let go of something and embrace something else or new.  But in the end sooner or later you must act if you want to achieve anything.

Why not consider these and how you are doing when it comes to the quality of your life?  Go for it, what have you got to lose.

Uncertainty – managing the future

Uncertainty – managing the future

Tim Connor

Oswald Chambers once said, “The only thing that is certain is uncertainty.”

Uncertainty definition – “the state of being uncertain - times of uncertainty and danger." Well, that was really helpful.

Here’s mine – When we don’t know what the future, whether the next minute or the next year, has in store for us, will challenge us, help us, support us or cause chaos for us or is either positive, neutral or negative.

A little better, but definitions can often be challenging since words can be interpreted differently by everyone.  For example – how would you define; challenge, the future, problems, success, failure, or uncertainty?  OK on with the details (if you are still with me).

In times of uncertainty we have three options; wait, quit, or act.  Let’s first look at each from a short perspective. Waiting in some situations is stupid and in others a wise choice - what’s the difference? If you are waiting to act for something you can’t control, want to improve or disappear it’s wise.  If you are waiting for outcomes for something you can have influence or creative responses over - stupid. How about quitting? Quitting can be either wise or stupid.  

Quitting is stupid if you have failed to evaluate, consider, or effectively interpret circumstances.  It is wise if you have exhausted all your options, resources, approaches, and energy, and you just can’t change or improve the future outcomes no matter what. And finally, you can act. Acting when you have limited experience, resources, energy, time, skills, desire, clear direction, goals, etc. is stupid.  If you have all of these and are filled with confidence and resilience acting is wise. So regardless of whether a situation requires quitting, acting, or waiting the common thread is wisdom’s ingredients. And what are these - when in doubt listen to your gut, inner voice, heart, and consciousness. 

Let’s take a more in-depth look at your three options and their benefits and consequences.

There are five concepts however that you need to consider before we dig into the details.

1)  The number one contributor to death is stress. The number one contributor to stress is impatience. The number one contributor to impatience is the need for control.  And the number one contributor to the need for control is fear of the unknown.

2)  Doing anything - driving, eating, exercising, working, etc. faster does not give you one more minute of life.

3)  Everything changes evolves, ends, grows, or dies sooner or later.

4)  Letting uncertainty in the future have a negative impact on your present will 

contribute to a life-time negative impact on your past.

5)  Everything in life has consequences; some are positive and some are negative.  Some are short-term while others can take years or even a lifetime to materialize.

OK, let’s take a more detailed look at; quitting, acting, and waiting.

Quitting – Ever quit anything too soon – a relationship, a project a hobby? Quitting is only easy when you have given up – emotionally, financially, physically, etc. The problem is that most people don’t want to quit, they just want to want to quit.  See the difference?  We want the option to bail when we feel circumstances, results or expectations don’t equal our goals or actions.

To be honest, I have quit a few times when in hindsight years later looked back I realized I should have hung in there just a bit longer with more energy, more patience, more resolve, or more tolerance.  Been there?

Uncertainty can create a great deal of emotional tension that many feel the need to manage or fix with action now, decisions now, something now, anything now. Sometimes immediate action vs. quitting can be beneficial but far too often quick or knee-jerk responses to challenges or unknowns can lead to disaster, unnecessary failure, or costs emotionally, financially, or physically that could have been avoided.

So, how do we know when not quitting is the right or best option to uncertainty or unknowns. You are not going to like my answer but here it is anyway – it depends.  Depends on what Tim? It depends on your degree of commitment, investment, patience, a willingness to let go or surrender, your ability to learn before you quit, and your desire to ensure that whatever the outcome – it will be better than giving up or throwing in the towel.

No one knows what lies around the next corner in life.  Oh sure you can try and predict, hope, dream, work like crazy and pray but in the end, life is uncertain every single day of your life. After over forty years of speaking around the world, I have learned a great deal but one thing stands out – if you can control it – do something – if you can’t control it – chill, relax, breathe and use the time to learn, grow and get wiser. But quitting is far too often pre-mature and stupid without adequate evaluation, consideration, research, etc. I hope you notice the connection between these three options – quitting, waiting, and action.  If not you have missed the central message in this article. They are all connected in one way or another.  The secret is to learn to make the best use of the combination of the three options.  Keep reading and it will come to you.

Waiting – Ever had to wait for a call from your Doctor with the results of a biopsy? How about a decision from a potential new employer where you have applied for the job of a lifetime? Or a client who is considering making the biggest purchase of one of your products in your career history? Or how about little ones – a retuned call from a potential new date candidate for a possible relationship? Or, just an email or text response from one of your kids?  This list of things we wait for is endless and I will guarantee as you are reading this article you are waiting for something from someone or something.

A basic fundamental of the character of uncertainty is – no one knows; when where, how, if, whether, etc.  All we can do is hope, dream, pray, and yes wait.  But there are two kinds of waiting.  One is with wisdom, intelligence, and maturity and the other is with pride, arrogance, ego, or impatience.  Which tends to be your approach?

The outcomes to both are significantly different.

Waiting with wisdom or intelligence is grounded in knowledge, experience, accurate information, and common sense. Waiting with the other approach leads to stress, resentment, blame, anger, regret, and disappointment. Yes, sometimes there are actions we can take while we wait and other times - all we can do is just wait.

Trust me I understand the concept of waiting. After speaking in 25 countries and I only speak English – trust me – I have had to wait a lot for a lot of things and didn’t even know what I was waiting for or why.

Been there?

Keep in mind - you can’t control the weather, the stock market, others’ behavior, the traffic behind you, or in front of you, need I go on? One thing I have noticed about mature people is their ability to wait when they can’t control stuff.  One of my life mantras is simply – ‘I will not let your behavior determine my behavior’.  Is this always easy – no way.  When I am traveling the speed limit and an idiot is behind me on my tail beeping at me and flashing their lights for me to go faster, it’s not always easy to just ignore these idiots.

Waiting style demonstrates a person’s maturity, common sense, wisdom, and intelligence.

Acting – And the last action – acting.

There are four elements involved in acting and they are – the how, the when, the who, and the where. For example, let’s say you were just laid off from your position. Your spouse doesn’t work, you have three kids and a lot of bills and the economy is sucking wind.  I know I have been there – twice.

No one is hiring, you have limited special skills and limited cash to self-promote yourself. So, the four elements mentioned above.

How – You have to earn some cash so the kids don’t starve. Part-time job, two part-time jobs, reach out to family or friends, file bankruptcy, sell your house, take a job as a dishwasher in a restaurant, live on unemployment as long as it lasts – the options are limited or unlimited depending on your definition of your circumstances. And your definition will determine how you respond. The answer – spend a few hours every month reading, learning, growing in important life areas and I’m not talking here about survival tactics but just “life stuff” like improving skills in communication, emotional maturity, negotiation, money management, etc.

The when – do you have time to wait, reflect, consider, etc. or do you need to do something now? The when will determine how you handle the “how”. The answer – Read the book “The Power of Patience” by Ryan.

The where – This one can vary depending on the circumstances – where you live, where you work, where you play, where you do anything or everything. The answer – if you live in the city, now and then take road trips into the suburbs or the country to get familiar with different areas. Once a year I take a week road trip to a new area within 500 miles of where I live. If you live in the country, now and then spend a weekend in the city. And why – to get rid of any fears about areas you are unfamiliar with.

The who - This one depends on your relationships with; family, friends, neighbors, fellow workers, customers, employees, etc.  If you have people you can count on or ask for help, guidance, etc. consider yourself fortunate as many people lack these resources and have to go through uncertainty and challenges alone – again I’m not preaching to the choir – I’ve been there. Sometimes, even if you have these resources you might be unable to ask for help for any number of reasons. The answer – spend time developing relationships with people you can count on if you ever need help, support, or guidance in the future. And, find ways to be of value and service to others who may some day come to you for help.

Well, that’s it - during uncertain times, and I am familiar with them having been through four recessions during my speaking career, you can; give in, point the finger, whine, blame, or learn, grow, change, adapt and win.  It’s a choice.

Temporary truth and the consequences

Temporary truth and the consequences

Tim Connor

Do you know the difference between temporary truth and real truth?

Today we are experiencing a great deal of conflict because many people feel if they believe something, it is true. So you believe that there are only 325 days in the year, everyone deserves an education, that all old people are stupid - that these are truths. Have you ever disagreed with a spouse, employee, or customer?  Let me describe the conversation.  You tried to convince them that they were wrong and you were right.  They tried to convince you that they were right and you were wrong. How am I doing? The problem is that truth evolves. I’m not implying that Temporary Truth is right or wrong, just that a lot of stuff is only true until their replacement truth shows up.

Here is one example. For hundreds of years if you had an illness, first they cut you open and let you bleed till you were cured – the truth about medicine. Next treatment - they gave you pills. These were followed by radiation, chemotherapy, and other invasive treatments. Keep going - Next, they sent you to a therapist. For years people believed that the current treatments were the best or even only treatment available. But, over time each one was replaced by a new and supposedly better one – now the new Temporary Truth. Real truth doesn’t change.

Here’s a simple one – for hundreds of years people believed the world was flat – the temporary truth (and based on what – current beliefs grounded not in facts but rumors). Then – someone discovered that – wow the world isn’t flat so it must be round – an updated version of current perceived truth that everyone now embraced.

What is temporary truth – anything that is changing, evolving, growing, fading, or is in the past or the future. What is real truth – gravity is the truth? Consequences are truth. Death is the truth.

Let’s be clear - opinions are not truth or reality. I’ll wager if you asked 50 million people in the US what was their opinion about (whatever – pick a topic) you would get at least 25 million different answers. So, just because something is your opinion based on your experience, your education, your personality your (stuff) it’s still only your opinion. You have a right to it but here’s the interesting thing - I have a right to my opinion on the same topic (even if it is different than yours).

There is a great deal of discord in the world today and why? Because most people believe their opinion is or should be the truth (everyone’s truth) – what is right and what the rest of us should believe just because you believe it. If this concept were true; the world is still flat, we never went to the Moon, the average lifespan in the US is 35 years and God is a myth - need I go on?

Truth is not the truth because you or I believe it or think it should be true. Truth is grounded in facts and evidence and not opinions – hear me please - FACTS. If there are no facts to back anything up – it’s just an opinion.

Ever screamed at the TV as you listened to the rantings of some political Idiot?  Ever felt the stress of a relationship that was filled with tension or frustration?  I could go on with examples like these, but the question is – is there a common cause or contributor to all or each of these life situations, struggles, or outcomes?

One of my favorite questions I ask people when they start telling me (something) is true. Ready – “How do you know that? What true evidence or facts is this based on?” Try it the next time someone gives you their opinion on something and tries to convince you they are right and you are wrong. It’s really fun.

I have had more than my share of people come up to me after one of my speeches or seminars sharing their disagreements and/or opinions of what I talked about and how they felt I was wrong or just plain out of touch - especially when it was anything related to technology. I’m not kidding here – my opinion, no matter what it was, was wrong.  I wonder if the Fax machine will ever be obsolete?  Over the years I have spent a great deal of time and research trying to identify what the unique circumstances were that contributed to these types of reactions, responses, or behaviors when dealing with others whether in person or at a distance.  I finally figured it out.

The single biggest issue that contributes to poor communication, increased conflict, negative relationships, ineffective employee performance, declining health, bad decisions, lost business, ineffective management, and declining organization success (need I go on?) - is simple but not complicated. In a word, it is “reality or truth” and not what was true but what people wanted you to believe was true. When you deal in truth you have a better percentage of better outcomes than when you deal in Temporary truths or lies.

Let me explain.  Everyone has opinions, values, attitudes, prejudices, and beliefs that are grounded in personal experience, upbringing, conditioning, and education.  When blended into a person’s mindsets these create their personal sense of reality; what is, what is right, what is wrong, what needs to change etc.  The problem gets even worse when people begin to believe that their sense of reality (the previous stuff and more) is THE “reality” in other words - all other views, opinions, attitudes, beliefs, etc. are that disagree with it are wrong, outdated, stupid, unnecessary or invalid because they are different than theirs or challenge theirs. 

Imagine for a minute the last conflict you had with an employee, spouse, or customer – I will guarantee its source was the attempt by both of you to validate your own opinion(s) and invalidate the other person’s.  Due to current trends in Political Correctness, Social Media, The Selfie Generation we are very rapidly losing the ability to develop meaningful relationships grounded in respectful acceptance of different opinions, values, beliefs etc. – both business and personal – that are grounded in openness, understanding, tolerance, and respect.

So, what’s the answer?  Well, there are a few things we all need to understand if we are going to deal in truth going forward and in no particular order they are; fear, the need for control, the desire for approval, arrogance, insecurity, denial, criticism avoidance, acceptance, assumptions, uncertainty and change, the ripple effect, manipulation and yes so many more.  Let me just give you a brief overview of each as I’m sure you have other things to do.

But before I do - a quick real-life example from my past.  Many years ago I spent the holidays with the family of a client and a friend.  One night we had a conversation and he asked me, “Tim, what do you think about reincarnation?” My answer, “I don’t know much, I just know I don’t believe in that hokus pokus.” His response, “How can you have such a strong opinion about something you don’t know anything about?” I have never forgotten that conversation, and never will.

Fear – Fear is the most powerful emotion in life.  And when we let others use it with lies or lack of truth we give them power over us until the fear leaves us.

The hundredth monkey effect – This concept says that once an idea, rumor, concept, invention hits critical mass it is now spread quickly as truth regardless of its validity.

The need for control – Many people today will say or do anything that gives them perceived control or power. The problem is that if their actions are not grounded in truth eventually they will fail and lose this power or control.  Just look at global dictators over the years who have disappeared.

The need or desire for approval or acceptance – Many people today want to be liked and respected and want friends and connections who will “friend, like, support” them. Let me ask you how many connections do you have on Facebook or Linkedin that you don’t know at all but call them friends?

Arrogance and ego – People who are driven by ego and arrogance will often do or say anything that helps them maintain their reputation (no matter how dishonest it may be), control, or ability to influence others.  Just look at many politicians today.

Insecurity – If people feel insecure they will often say anything to help them manage their insecurity.

Denial – Denial is simple – it refuses to accept reality, truth, or any situations, circumstances that are.

Criticism avoidance – Often people will avoid the truth, endorse untruths, or just stay quiet for fear of losing their job, career, a relationship, or even their health or safety.

Assumptions – Assumptions are stupid.  When someone tells you something and you don’t question it you give them power over your ideas, actions, beliefs, values, etc.

Uncertainty and change – When life is uncertain or changing people fear the future they want reassurance or support that all will be well.  This is why many people use fear as a technique to control others.  If they can keep you in fear mode – they can control you.  Lies work and why?  Because we let them and don’t’ have the courage to challenge them.

The ripple effect – The ripple effect is like an ocean wave. Ideas, lies, misrepresentations, etc. continue by the simple rule of endurance.

Manipulation – People will often use their version of the truth to keep others in circumstances that they can control.  Just look at certain countries today that have populations that are under siege and there seems to be nothing they can do to change them short of a revolution.

So, what current truths do you believe that are impacting your life or choices and decisions and how do you define truth?