Loneliness vs. solitude
Tim Connor
Millions of people today suffer from loneliness. It could be someone in n unhappy marriage or
someone who has lost a loved one who has passed away. It could be someone who is suddenly alone
after a relationship break-up or just someone who is unhappy with their state
in life.
No one is immune to the sting of loneliness which seems to
amplify feelings of regret, fear, resentment, disappointment or even
anger. The problem with staying stuck in
these negative emotions, feelings or mindsets is that they will tend to
increase unless a person can learn the benefits of being alone. I can hear some of you now – “and what
exactly would those benefits be?”
First of all let’s discuss the three stages of being alone
whether for an hour, a few weeks or years.
First there is loneliness. This state of mind is filled with all of the
negative emotions I just mentioned above.
People in this emotional state will tend to feel sorry for themselves,
abandoned or without hope that their situation will ever change for the better
in the future. They tend to focus on
what is missing in their life or what they miss – what used to be when – in the
past.
These folks feel stuck without
options and seldom take positive action to change or improve their
circumstances. This tends to be the
lowest mental state in the – I am alone – position.
Moving up a notch we have –
aloneness. This is where people are
generally ok with being alone but if they had a preference they wouldn’t
be. They don’t suffer from the all of
the same negative emotions but they do tend to feel somewhat out of
control. This is a more positive mental
state or position to be in than loneliness but it still can bring with it
feelings of fear, frustration or remorse.
These tend not to be their dominant feelings but they can surface at any
time depending on outer circumstances.
The highest level in these
positions is – solitude. Solitude is a
positive emotional state in which people look forward to this alone time and
use it positively or constructively.
They see this quiet time as beneficial in many ways. They will use it for introspection,
self-evaluation or meditation. They will
feel blessed that they have this time alone and actually look forward to it for
personal reasons.
I’m not talking about a person
telling you - I need my space. That is
something totally different and generally not even related to this subject. A person who has suddenly found themselves
alone permanently or for long stretches of time due to a relationship break-up
or the death of someone will find creative ways to use this time.
They will take up a new hobby or
interest. They will get more active in
their career, community or church. They
will go back to school, read more or just spend more time contemplating life.
The thing to keep in mind is that
all of these positions or mental states have nothing to do with being alone but
how a person chooses to interpret being alone and what they do about it.
Being single for the past few
years and self-employed for many years I have a great deal of alone time. So – I write a lot, read a lot, think a lot
about life’s situations and how I can help others with my writing and speaking
– thus this article.
Sure, I love company and going out
on the town and I’d rather go to a concert or hiking with someone as opposed to
alone, but I am ok doing these alone as I like my own company and this is one
of the keys to how a person will handle this.
Do you need constant validation
and attention from others or can you give those to yourself? Do you get bored
easily? Do you need a great deal of
external stimulation or can you just be with you and that’s ok?
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