Four dangerous words that cause chaos in relationships – are you guilty?
The average person has a vocabulary of around 1200 words but unfortunately four of them when shared with others, can have a short term and/or lasting negative impact on relationships. What are they?
You – should ______!
You – Need to _____!
I will - Never ______!
I will – Always ______!
So why are these relationship busters?
You – should;
This was one of my least favorite words to hear from friends, parents, former bosses, a former spouse etc. is - you should. Is it me or do you have an issue with this command as well? Why do I call it a command? Well, that’s what it is when someone says you should – lose weight, work harder, start or stop something, drive faster or slower – folks I could go on with this stuff for pages so let me ask you – what’s your least favorite – you should statement to hear from anyone?
Why do some people feel they can have control over us, boss us around, intimidate us or just tell us what to do or not do on a whim? There are many reasons but here are just a few of the common ones.
They think they are; smarter than us, are better than us, more experienced than us, know better than we do, always right, they are control freaks. They are insecure but unwilling to admit it. Got any you want to add?
You – Need to;
You need to is a very close cousin to - you should - the only difference is that it implies that it is our responsibility to do – whatever – whether we feel or believe it is our responsibility. The other person’s view is that they shouldn’t have to keep reminding is that we need to, we just need to put it into our DNA as a permanent part of who we are according to their rules or expectations. Again, I could go on for pages about what other’s think we need to do – for them, with them, at them etc. In the end, I am not responsible for you – your opinions, views, prejudices, beliefs, actions, attitudes etc. These are yours not mine. Regardless of how right or wrong they may be, you think they are or are different from mine in the end, I was not put on this earth for your approval. I was not put here as your servant. If I want to do something – anything – wash your car, take out the garbage, get a report done by the end of the day, call you or email you back - I’ll do it because I want to not because one of your stupid rules applies to me. Get it – you are not in charge of me – I am. And I am not in charge of you – you are.
I will - never;
Ever heard It? I will never do that or say that again. I will never ____ - whatever! Ever said it? I know I have and when I realized that I had, I knew that one day I would regret saying it. What does “I will never” mean and should we take other’s seriously when they say it? Should other’s take us seriously? I don’t know about you - but words do matter but unfortunately many people either take them far too seriously or not at all seriously. Never means – never like – really never and can anyone ever really say this with certainty or a guarantee that they will never break the “I will never” code? I doubt it. So why do people say it? To manipulate? To control? To look good in the eyes of others? Yes, Yes and yes and yes to any other reason you can come up with. The word is a sham in my opinion and should be eliminated from the dictionary.
I will – always;
I could just repeat all of the above paragraph and make life easier for both of us but let me add just a couple of items so I at least come across as a little professional. Always - at all times; on all occasions, every time, each time, at all times, all the time, without fail, consistently, invariably, regularly, habitually, unfailingly. Had enough? I know I have. Who can possibly say this knowing that we have little or no control over the future? Again, the word is a sham in my opinion and should be eliminated from the dictionary.
Guilty of using any of the above? Have someone in your life or career who uses any of them on you?