The Dance of Love

The Dance of love

Why the music stops and the dance ends.

Love is like a dance.  

 If you don’t like the music, don’t know the steps, insist on doing it your way regardless of the routines of a particular dance or just don’t like to dance guess what – sooner or later the dance of love between you and your partner will end and usually badly.

There are as many reasons why the dance of love ends as there are people doing the dance.  Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your perspective, for millions of people each year, their relationships end with stress, anger, guilt and resentment.

Why does the music stop for so many people when most of these relationships began with hope, positive anticipation, love and caring?

Call it the human experience and the need, sometime dysfunctional need, for receiving and giving love.  Yes, there are many relationships that begin where the people involved are fully aware that - I shouldn’t do this, it isn’t right, it doesn’t feel right or I’m doing it for all of the wrong reasons, but in the end they override these inner urgings and plow ahead anyway. The bottom line – we all say we are following our heart when in many instances that is the last thing we are doing.  Following are some of the more common reasons why the music stops and the dance of love ends. 

Yes, there are many others, but I’m sure if you will carefully think about the following you will discover that your particular reasons are in some way related to these.

When the dance begins a new relationship is formed and each person tends to put their partner on a pedestal.  They only see the qualities, traits, habits and behavior that they want to see. 

When love is failing the same people tend to see each other through a different set of values and expectations.  It is almost as if they are looking for stuff not to like.

Why do people fail to see the other person clearly in a new relationship and why do we lose tolerance or even the simplest kindness toward another when a relationship is in trouble?

There are always clues that the dance will not end in a positive way.  Not to see them or to see them and hope they are only temporary is to be naïve.  To believe they will change them with time is to live in a land of fantasy. 

Another reason the dance ends is the inability to manage differences. If you don’t have conflict in your relationship it is probably because you have a long distance relationship or are living in denial.

Conflict is normal in every relationship no matter how new or long lasting.  Show me a couple who don’t have conflict and I’ll show you two people who have totally disengaged from the relationship or are in a complete state of emotional withdrawal.  Conflict is either positive or negative.  How can conflict be positive you might rightly ask? 

The real issue is trust and respect.  People who do not trust or respect their partner will generally let conflict further erode their relationship.  People who trust and respect their partner will tend to use the conflict to create better understanding and or acceptance of their partner’s views, opinions or attitudes.

So the real culprit here is not the conflict itself but the degree of trust, respect and unconditional acceptance that is present or absent.

A significant reason the dance ends is selfishness or – it’s all about me!

My definition of selfishness is when a person is concerned about tomorrow.  These people lack faith in themselves, God, and others to give them what they need (not what they want) in the future. Therefore, these people must guard every cent and every emotion with the concern that their emotional or financial bank account may run dry in the future.

Selflessness is when you give of yourself - your support, guidance, love, time, ideas, and encouragement - without a concern for the expectations, demands, needs, or desires of others. These people do not give to get, but just to give. They find their rewards not in the giving, but in the development of who they are and who they are becoming.

And finally the dance ends due to the lack of a safe emotional environment that causes trivia and communication issues to get completely out of whack.

What is a safe environment? It is an environment in which you can be perfectly honest without fear of judgment, ridicule, criticism or later retribution. If you are fortunate to have relationships that are very honest, open and sharing, consider yourself blessed. Most relationships have some areas or topics that are avoided to avoid another argument or hurt feelings. This situation, these hidden thoughts, feelings or attitudes can be acceptable as long as they are not critical to the overall success of the relationship.

If you have a lot of suppressed stuff with someone you are in a relationship with, I urge you to let it go, express it, or walk away from the relationship before it becomes too destructive on your emotional well being and health.

In many relationships two strangers share the same bed, sit at the same kitchen table every morning and grow further apart every day.  They know little about their significant other or sometimes even care very little about them.  There is dialog that is often superficial, self-centered, critical and judgmental. Few couples really know each other.  The years seem to have hardened one or both of these people and for some reason they have lost the love, intimacy and romance.  I know, it has happened to me and the pain of acting like you want to be where you are is almost unbearable.   

Living a lie helps no on one. So let me ask you, if you have been together for a few years tell me, what are some of the things you do or don’t know about your partner?

Some of us need more help, love and patience than others, as we tentatively bare ourselves to those around us.  Some of us however never really try.  We are afraid to be vulnerable and authentic for fear of a variety of unknown reactions.  So we live in a prison where only a few select souls are allowed visiting hours and only on our terms.

Every relationship has its emotional ups and downs.  These are caused by any number of emotional issues.  Some of the emotions that are evident in any relationship are: blame, anger, resentment, jealousy, happiness, joy, fear, guilt, emotional games, sadness, grief, pain, disappointment, unrealized expectations, cheerfulness and numerous others.

When I speak of emotional immaturity I am referring to inappropriate emotions given a certain activity, situation, or circumstance.  For example, carrying resentment around for several years after the cause of the resentment isn’t healthy either physically or for the relationship.  Blaming your partner for an action when they are just doing the best they can at the time with what they have is to invite a breakdown in communication and intimacy.  Not being sensitive to your partner’s negative emotional state due to a situation in their career or life is to send a message that you are emotionally distant from their needs, desires, dreams, hopes, fears or feelings.

Emotional maturity is bringing the right amount of emotional support, connection or outlook to any situation.  Each of us can contribute to our partner’s growth or we can sabotage it.  We sabotage it when we play emotional games and stay stuck in negative emotional manipulation.  We help them when we help them see clearly how their emotional state has contributed to their situation or how it keeps them stuck in the past or in negative issues.

I believe in the end the major reason why all relationships end, that could have lasted is because one or both partner’s lets stupid, trivial and unimportant issues get out of control as they dig in their heals to defend their opinions, values, goals, attitudes or life outlook.

I have observed many couples in public arguing about stuff that really doesn’t matter, but they have chosen t make the issue or subject a potential game-breaker that sooner or later will increase resentment, disappointment and even grief.  And so – another dance ends with regret, sadness or anger.