Endings and New Beginnings

Ending s and new beginnings

Tim Connor

Have you ever seen an ending coming?

Have you ever wanted an ending but were too filled with fear, guilt or uncertainty to bring it to fruition?

Have you ever been blindsided by an ending?

Ever knew an ending was coming but did all in your power to prevent it?

I could go on with questions like this but the simple fact is that if something needs to end or is ready to end, all of the actions, behaviors, attempts even begging you take to thwart it will not prevent what is going to or must come to pass.

Endings regardless of why they happened, who initiated them or the consequences of them are never pretty.  They are painful and tend to create stress and add to feelings of unworthiness.

An article I read years ago on the subject of divorce suggested that regardless of who wanted the relationship to end both parties tended to feel the same amount of pain and grief. And, that the healing process for both parties was generally the same.  Yes, some people healed, got over it, sooner than others but there was no way to avoid the negative impact of this type of ending.

The divorce rate in the United States has stayed fairly consistent for the past fifty years in spit of all of the books, articles, seminars and counseling that is now available that was not in the past. 

Why is this?  Is it simply the stress of learning to live together in harmony with different agendas, backgrounds and mindsets?

Is it that people bring unrealistic expectations to a marriage?

Is it due to the fact that marriage as an institution is not the paradise that it is purported to be?

From my perspective I believe that these relationships end for predictable reasons and I will give you three of the major ones.

1)      Couples make the assumption that if they have a lot in common, things like they both like country music, like to travel and love egg salad that this is a recipe for long term success.  One of my favorite authors Eric Butterworth once wrote. “If we make the assumption that having a lot in common is what is necessary for an enduring and happy relationship we are actually making the assumption that differences therefore disqualify people from successful outcomes in their relationships.

This is not true.  The key to successful relationships is developing attitudes, procedures or approaches to effectively managing the differences.

If your partner is a far left liberal and you are a raving conservative this does not mean that you can’t have a loving, nurturing and wonderful life long relationship.  The key is to accept your partner’s view, don’t make them wrong and don’t try to change them.  Or, just take politics off the table as one of the topics you discuss if it always ends in conflict or dissention.”

2)      A lack of unconditional acceptance for who the person is, who they are becoming or who they could become.

3)      Constant invalidation.  My friend Jay Carter in his best selling book, Nasty People, effectively discusses the concept of invalidation.  Essentially it is when you subtly or overtly make the other person wrong or unworthy when they have opinions, views, attitudes, behaviors habits, emotions or feelings that you disagree with so you must therefore make them incorrect and you consistently attempt to manipulate them emotionally.

There are other ways people invalidate others, things like not listening, interrupting and always being late.

Essentially the message you are sending when you invalidate another is that you are better, smarter, more talented etc than they are and that they are unworthy in any number of ways.

I have had the pleasure of being in a couple of relationships where invalidation was a routine and consistent part of most of our conversations.  From personal experience I can tell you that after a time I even started to believe all of the bad things about myself that were being thrown at me daily.

Sooner or later relationships that have these and other profiles will either end or the partners will live in a quiet inner prison of withdrawal.  Been there folks and I can tell you it isn’t fun.

So what are the answers?

I believe if relationships are to succeed and be mutually beneficial, rewarding and successful and these can include relationships with your children, friends, in-laws, employees and even customers, that there are some characteristics that are necessary.  These are, in no particular order; respect, kindness, understanding, compassion, trust, integrity, consistency and open and honest communication. 

When hidden agendas are present in any relationship sooner or later one or both of the parties will feel unimportant, insignificant or even emotionally abused. Thus you are heading for an ending.

I am by no means suggesting that if an ending is in the long-term best interests of one or both people in a relationship that you stick with it.  One of the concepts I teach in one of my seminars is that we all have three choices in any situation.  We can change it or them, accept it or them or leave.  Spending too much energy and time on the first one when you have little control over it will be a waste of time and energy.  But if you can’t change it or them then you need to learn to accept it or them.  If you have tried and just can bring yourself to do it, then it may be time to leave; a job, a relationship, a club, a business or a group of friends or acquaintances.

Two of my relationships come to mind as I share my feelings with you about endings. They ended differently but the thoughts that filled my mind and impacted my life were the same.

One was a long term relationship I was in that I knew from the beginning was a mistake but I overrode my inner messages not to do it but began it anyway.  It was ultimately filled with resentment, and anger at myself for not listening and felt constant disappointment and a lot of pain. 

I can recall mentally ending this hundreds of time throughout the relationship but I could never find the courage to follow-through and actually do it. Was it fear, obligation, guilt, self-pity or low self-esteem?  I even began to believe that this was the best I could ever hope for, this is what I deserved.

One day I did it, I ended it.  I decided my mental health and what I thought about myself was more important than what other’s thought of me and that life in general is too short to spend all of my remaining days living with negative emotions that just were not healthy.

After it had ended, I let negative thoughts of her linger for months in my mind and these eventually got in the way of my ability to begin again with courage, passion and resolve. I was letting my history determine my future and that isn’t me.

I kept thinking that I didn’t deserve love or a respectful relationship.  Oh, I tried to begin again buy always in vain.  Sooner or later I would do or say something stupid that would sabotage a new beginning.  I kept feeling I was doomed to never know love, respect and kindness.

After a lot of mental work I was able to see life, my future and myself differently and this growth enabled me to finally move on.  But I must admit, after the mental cleansing was over, I kept wondering, was all of this post-relationship grief, anger or thinking as a result of a really bad experience necessary to clear my mind and my soul of all of the negative experience and regain my self-esteem and self-love so I could finally move on to a successful new beginning?

Once I had finally done this, let go of the pain and other negative feelings and emotions I was offered a gift by life. As time passed I would soon discover that that she would be the greatest gift of my life and I believe that to this day.

On another occasion I thought I was deeply in love but after it ended I realized that it was nothing more than infatuation and an attraction and what I believe I needed at that point in my life.  I was awed by her beauty and sensuality and therefore manipulated my thoughts, emotions and feelings to reinforce this belief.  It was a short relationship, only a couple of years before it ended but the post-relationship drama began once again.

Can endings be avoided?  Can negative endings be changed so they end positively?  I believe that endings are in our life as a teacher to lead, guide or help us to grow, mature and learn what we need to learn sometimes whether we believe we are ready or not.