Attach Detach

Attach or Detach

Tim Connor

Here’s the problem - most people do the first step but fail to do the second one.

What is attachment?  It’s when we own a belief, opinion, judgment, attitude or principle – whether right or wrong or good or bad.  This ownership drives all of our emotions, decisions, actions and behavior.  We attach to expectations, frustration, being right, judging others, our stressors and disappointments.  We attach to our pain, guilt, obligations, goals, needs, problems, failures, achievements and successes.  Again none of these are good or bad – right or wrong but we attach to them nonetheless.

How do we attach?  We defend, argue, come from negative emotions like; fear, jealousy, guilt, resentment, anger and our ego.  We need to make others wrong so we can feel right.  We need to put others down so we can elevate ourselves.  We need to know more, do better and have more to justify our values, beliefs and mindsets.

Attachment to anything is a negative experience and why?

Everything changes – one minute you succeed and the next minute you fail.  One minute you are healthy and the next minute you ate sick.  One minute you are happy and the next minute you are sad and why?  Because we have turned over all of our emotions, feelings, beliefs and attitudes to other’s influence or circumstances.

Why do we let these attachments rule our need for inner peace, our desire for happiness and the goal of success and achievement?

It’s simple – because that’s they way we have been trained to be, think, feel, react and behave by all of the influences in our life both past and present.

All of the people in your life now are doing nothing but reinforcing your values and beliefs.  That’s why you have let them in – you need that constant validation even if your values, beliefs or attitudes are self-destructive and go against all you can be or all you can do.

For example;

You believe you are not smart enough, not good enough, not experienced enough, too old, too young, too – whatever.  You believe that you deserve what you are achieving, you are a good person, you are kind and compassionate.  See the distinction here?  Regardless of you’re beliefs that’s all they are beliefs.  They are not necessarily true but you behave as if they are for you.  You own them.  They drive you.  They are you.  And over the years you have become very comfortable with them.

Just think for a moment about someone you know that can push your buttons?  What do they say or do that causes you to react however you do?  Ask yourself – when I act this way as a result of these pokes or even simple words or phrases from others or outside circumstances how do I feel?  Is this really me?  The answer is yes.  But you can change.  You can learn to let go of emotions, beliefs, attitudes that no longer serve you.  You need to learn to detach.

What is detachment? 

Detach is the opposite of attach – obviously - but what does this mean and why can’t people learn to take this action?  Detachment means; not taking things personal, never making assumptions and learning to let go of any destructive feeling, emotion, belief, value or attitude that no longer serves your highest self or for that matter - ever did.

Detachment is a form of surrender.  You no longer feel the need to make others wrong, defend your position or views, be right, be smarter, have more etc.  Detachment is nothing more than accepting what is in the present without looking back or forward for justification or a rationale that proves your way is right, good, better – whatever.

How do you detach?

For starters you have to pay attention to all of your responses to others and outside circumstances.  You have to learn to view them through a neutral microscope that is not prejudiced in any way.  You have to let go of the attitude that these beliefs, values or mindsets are who you are.  They are not you.  They are just who you allowed yourself to become over time due to the prodding, urging, manipulation or pressure from others.  You can let go of ownership.  You can change.  It isn’t easy and it doesn’t happen quickly but you can change and why?  Because all of life is constantly changing including you.  The difference is to now take direct control of how you change and why.

Learn to stop letting others or circumstances determine who you are, your value, how you respond and how you feel.  Learn to have integrity between who you are, really are, how you are changing and who you are becoming.