You will be happy when_______?

You’ll be happy when____

Tim Connor

Let me finish the above sentence for you;

You will be happy when you; retire, start a new career or job, own your home, are in a different relationship, out of debt, lose 20 pounds, get a promotion, the kids are grown, successful . . . I could go on but I’m sure you get where I’m going with this.  Being happy is not about what you get, are doing or your circumstances but who you are.  Let me explain.

If you asked 95% of the world’s population what was the one thing they wanted in life more than anything else they would tell you - happiness. They would also define happiness as something outside of themselves – a better home, job, more money, security, better relationships etc. Sorry – these are all nice to have but they won’t make you happy.  Secure – yes. Fame – yes. Power – Yes. Wealth – yes. But happy – not likely.

There has been a tremendous amount of worldwide research done over the years – the happiest country, the happiest city, the happiest gender, the happiest race, the happiest station in life, the happiest career etc.  All of these come up with the same results – it’s not what you have, where you live, who you are with or what you do that makes you happy, but what you believe, how you think, what you feel and who you are.  Happiness is inside-out not outside-in.

I’m not suggesting that wanting; more, better or sooner or easier is wrong or not even not in your best interests, but I am saying that if you are not happy with what you have or where you are, it’s unlikely that you will be happier when or if you get what you want.  It’s an endless cycle.  Have . . . want more . . . get more . . . have more . . . want more . . . get more - see the problem here?  If your happiness is based on what you want once you get it I’m sure you’ll eventually tire of what you have and want more again.  Tying your happiness to this ritual is a recipe for continued frustration and disappointment that does not lead to ultimate happiness – real happiness, but just circumstance happiness or stuff happiness.

I’m sure I’ve lost a few of you at this point as you strongly disagree with me and that’s ok, I’m just a messenger here.  So, think about it – when are you the happiest (not secure, in control, who you are with, wealthy etc.)?  I’ll bet if you are honest with yourself that you will have a hard time coming up with an answer and why?  We are used to relating happiness to external stuff and not internally.  We have been mentally conditioned over the years to believe that something outside of us has to be different, better or change for us to find true happiness.

If you are happy as you are reading this ask yourself – is it because of what’s going on in your life – it’s all good – or because it’s just who you are?  We all have moments of happiness, bliss and joy but these are often fleeting as we find it hard to be happy during chaos, uncertainty, aloneness, disappointment, challenges or any other life tribulation.  Welcome to the “I will be happy when_____ club.”

So, what’s the answer to finding real happiness?  Is it settling, giving up or giving in, surrendering or some other emotional state of mind?  Is it letting go of plans, goals, desires and needs?  Or, is it some other approach or mindset?

In my book, The Road to Happiness is full of Potholes, I share a simple concept and that is – you will never find true happiness if you attach its achievement to something external.  True life happiness is a decision, a belief and an attitude and none of these are dependent on whether you are having or good or bad day, things are going well or life is falling apart, you won the lottery or you just filed bankruptcy, got married or divorced, you got fired or started a new job, got a clean bill of health or were just told you have a serious illness.

There yet?  Want to be there?  Not sure how to get there? Then begin the inside-out work and stop focusing on the outside-in stuff.  Just take one step at a time. Start; reading more, praying more, spending more time in contemplation and introspection, staying in the present moment more, letting go of guilt, anger, blame and resentment or any other negative emotions. Simple but not easy – I know.

Let me close with my definition of happiness – It’s not where you are, what you have, what you are doing or who you are with but who you bring to these circumstances, conditions, events or people. Let me close with my favorite quote -

 

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than the ones you did do.  So, throw off the bowlines.    Sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore - Dream - Discover –

while you still can.”

Mark Twain