Just because a new door opens doesn’t mean you have to go through it !

Just because a new door opens

doesn’t mean you have to go through it !

Tim Connor

If I hear one more time, “When one door closes another one opens” I think I am going to throw up.  Yes, as we go through life lot’s of doors close – a career that changes, a business that fails, a relationship that ends or the transition from one significant life season to another but this doesn’t mean that when these happen we need to rush through the first open door that presents itself.

I can’t tell you how many doors have closed for me during my life but I can also say that on too many occasions when a door closed I was too quick to go through the first one that opened.  Whether in my career or relationship history I am freely admitting several mistakes assuming the next door to open was the right or best one without some careful consideration or thoughtful evaluation.  Ever done that?  Come on – I’ll guarantee you have done it at least once.

But why, why are we in such a hurry to grasp or jump at the first opportunity after an ending?  Too many reasons but here are a few to consider.  But before I share some of my ideas I would like to recommend a book that was written over 20 years ago by William Bridges called – Transitions.  In this tremendous book he shares the critical steps we should take in any ending if we want to avoid repeating the same mistakes again and again.  A great book with incredible insight.

We lack closure – When something ends most people want to quickly fill the void with something new – a new relationship, a new job or a new – something.  People generally dislike vacuums in their life.  If they give up golf they will replace it with tennis.  If they don’t like their current church they will search for another one etc.  A great quote by Pogo states, “Wherever you go, there you are” in other words we always take who we are – attitudes, likes, prejudices, expectations, needs, desires, mindsets etc into every new situation.  So, if what caused you to need a change was something outside yourself – first ask yourself – could it be me?

Closure is letting go of what was.  It is not taking regret, past memories or disappointments or unrealized expectations in what was into the next stage or circumstances of life.  Closure is declaring an ending and moving on.

We don’t like uncertainty – Show me a person who likes uncertainty and I’ll show you someone who needs some serious treatment of some kind.  Everyone wants control the difference is the degree of control we need to feel secure.  Some people are OK with less control, yes they would like it, but they don’t let the lack of it ruin their days or even their life.  On the other hand in my experience most people have an insatiable need for control often in areas where it is impossible.

Uncertainty is as much a part of life as traffic, headaches or waiting in line – you can’t avoid them sooner or later.  So the question is – is your need for control causing you to leap too soon at any opportunity that shows up without giving it some careful consideration?

We lack faith, trust or confidence – These, in my opinion are close cousins.  Without them you will tend to rush into something new or different due to your lack of them. Faith is simply trusting what you don’t know or can’t prove or confirm.  Trust is allowing what happens to happen knowing that all will turn out for the best if not now then at some time in the future.  And confidence is trusting yourself that you have the maturity, courage, will and wisdom to do what is right or make the right decisions and if you don’t, the will to carry on no matter what obstacles cross your path.

When you lack these three vital traits you will tend to rush toward something new without discernment or caution.

We resist the in between – I’ll let you consider this one without my intrusion or contribution.  What do you think this means when it comes to rushing through open doors too quickly?

We feel like we deserve better – I have never met a person in my world travels regardless of their circumstances who didn’t believe they deserved more or better.  Fall into that category?  If yes, welcome to normal but the issue here is who or what decides what you deserve?  Is it effort, study, hard work, belief, luck, connections or just fate or destiny?

I’ll wager that in your life right now there is something that you want that you don’t have that you feel you deserve.  Am I right?  Whether it’s better health, a better relationship, more money, greater happiness or more friends, I don’t care what the answer is if you don’t have it, it may not be because you don’t deserve it, it could be because if you get it, it might not be in your long term best interests.

Want more reasons?  Spend some time in evaluating what doors you have gone through after an ending that in the end were not the best actions, choices or decisions and ask yourself – why did you do it?

“To be what we are and to become what we are capable of

becoming is the only end in life.” 

Spinoza