Conversations that matter

Conversations that matter

Tim Connor

Avoiding those tough conversations is never easy.  Telling someone you have changed your mind about something. Ending a relationship.  Forgiving someone. Letting go of hurtful feelings or regrets about what was said or not said. Disagreeing when you know it will create conflict. Sharing intimate secrets that you have avoided.  Out and out lying about anything for any reason.  I could go on as I’m sure you have either been on the receiving end or the one sending the message.

Why do we avoid these conversations?  And believe me; you can’t effectively have them via email or texting.

Are we so insecure or in need of other people’s approval or acceptance or is it because we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings?  Is it because we can’t handle conflict or is our self-esteem so low that we have to hide the difficult stuff?  I don’t know what your rationales are but I can tell you mine.  And maybe, just maybe there may be some similarities.

But before I begin just a quick word about PC (political correctness).  Integrity based communication today is getting extremely difficult because it’s getting the point that we can’t say anything to anyone without the fear of hurting their feelings, offending them or just giving them an excuse to reply with verbal anger, vengeance or revenge.

What exactly is political correctness, anyway? Well the dictionary tells us - relating to or supporting the use of language or conduct that deliberately avoids giving offense, e.g. on the basis of ethnic origin or sexual orientation.  Personally having traveled the world I can tell you I have offended many people and have been offended on numerous occasions either out of denial or unawareness.  My intent and I’m confident that their intent was never to offend but different cultures take things in unique ways. Think about it if you were born and raised in the north I’ll bet that sooner or later you have said something that has irked a southerner. I know I have.

If you are a boomer I’m sure you have said something that annoyed a 20 year old.  And I’m sure if you are a teen you have upset an old codger.

OK, on to conversations and why we avoid the difficult subjects with friends, family or even total strangers.

It’s never easy to share feelings or even truth from our perspective when we are not sure how others will react to us and what we share and how.  Everyone has unique perspectives, expectations and how much truth or reality they can handle but in the end when we avoid sharing what we believe, how we feel or what we want or need to share we set up relationships for greater confusion, disappointment, anxiety or continued and even increased pain and uncertainty.

Most of us feel or believe our opinions or perspective are right or correct and when we hear messages that contradict or are in conflict with these our first reactions are usually resistance or often even anger but in the end it’s not about good or bad, right or wrong but the ability and willingness to share our personal beliefs, opinions, feelings or whatever is on our mind when it comes to the need for letting go of emotional pain due to past conflicts, disagreements or just misunderstandings or assumptions.

None of these contribute to honestly interpreted communication.  When we judge, assume or guess how someone else will respond or why they are saying what they are, doing what they are or not doing or saying we set ourselves up for negative responses, feelings and even actions that may not be appropriate.

In the end the best solution to all conflict, disagreements, uncertainty or unknown potential reactions is to open up, converse, share and just talk about what you are feeling, experiencing or desiring.  Unfortunately far too often most people hold back, keep quiet or just hope things will improve without positive action on their part.  Yes, sometimes time can heal but more often than not it takes initiative on the part of someone to open the door to addressing issues that can if avoided only worsen a relationship over time.

Avoiding a discussion or conversation with someone?  Why?

“Know how to listen, and you will profit even from

those who talk badly.”

Plutarch