Don't waste your pain - Use it to grow.

Don’t waste your pain.

Tim Connor

No one can avoid pain whether emotional or physical.  Sooner or later we are all disappointed or hurt by others and experience some type of physical pain.  Trust me – if you haven’t yet – It’s coming – you can count on it.  No one is immune to life’s desire and attempts to teach us, help us learn or yes, even punish us for our misdeeds, stupid decisions or dumb behaviors.

It’s interesting how sometimes emotional pain can be worse than physical pain – I guess it just depends on the cause or source.  So, let me just focus on some of the common issues, consequences, and actions we can take when it comes to the emotional stuff.  As far as the physical stuff, make an appointment with your Doctor, I’m not in that business however, it’s been proven that a great deal of physical pain can be directly attributed to emotional issues – but that’s for another time.

There are only two basic emotions – love and fear and all emotional pain comes from or is driven by the fear side, things like; anger, blame, regret, disappointment, anxiety, frustration, jealousy, hatred, suspicion, etc.  So, the first question is - could there be or is there a common denominator in emotional pain regardless of the cause or source?  Interesting question, let’s take a brief look at this before we move on.

First, what is emotional pain?

“Some psychology researchers have described two types of pain. The first type is considered existential pain, or what one researcher calls “clean pain,” which is the normal pain that comes with living an ordinary life.  This pain comes from such common, but nevertheless painful, human experiences as losing a loved one; being diagnosed with a serious illness; experiencing abuse, humiliation, or degradation; or perceiving that we have failed at something we hoped would succeed. All humans experience this type of pain to some extent. 

The second type of pain is considered neurotic, unnecessary, or “dirty pain.” Neurotic pain is considered unnecessary or “dirty pain.” This pain is pathological, unhealthy, and damaging, and stems from what we tell ourselves about the existential pain we experience. It can also be caused by unrealistic appraisals of ourselves, harsh judgments from others or the world and a consistently negative view of the world that is unaffected by any positive feedback or events. For people with depression, it is often this unnecessary pain that causes the most suffering. “

For the sake of saving time, I’m going to put most (but not all) emotional pain (that is self-inflicted and often unnecessary) in the dirty pain section.

Another way to look at this is to think of pain like a traffic or roadside sign helping you to reach your destination as quickly, safely and easily as possible.  If the sign ahead said one way - I’ll bet you wouldn’t head in the wrong direction and why, well DUH – you would probably have an accident.

Emotional pain can do the same – help you avoid life mistakes, wrong direction and even associating with the wrong people or organizations but only if we choose to pay attention to the signals and then abide by them, honor them or just do what our inner voice is telling us to do or nor to do.

What are some of these signals and what could the outcomes be if they are ignored?  Well first, what are they?

Stress is one of the common ones as stress is not the cause of the pain but the outcome of it when the signals we are given by the pain are ignored.  Ever had a panic or anxiety attack? I have and it ain’t pretty. It’s like having a heart attack. Sweat, nervousness, loss of bearings, feeling totally out of control etc. 

A few of the common emotional signals (that can take physical form) we can get are things like – trouble sleeping, loss of attention or control, little things distract you, itching, stomach issues, soreness, heartburn, indecision, headaches, migraines, fears of all kinds and for no apparent reason.  So, let me repeat, these emotional signals can be both physical and mental in nature.

Let me give you a quick personal example.

Many years ago, I was offered a full time very high position by a client.  It was lucrative, filled with great potential and I was more than qualified. At the same time, as a full-time speaker for several years I was still struggling to get my career into high gear.  During a period of several weeks I kept weighing the options – pro and con – to taking it.  Here’s the kicker. Every time I was moving emotionally toward accepting it my stomach began to feel queasy and almost painful.  When I let go of this tendency to accept it and focused on staying the course in my current career and business these symptoms quickly went away.

Let me ask you, regardless of the choice, decision or option – ever had a similar situation?  Feeling it now due to a choice, opportunity or consequence that is facing you?

Is there an answer to emotional pain regardless if it was from a loss of a position or job, the loss of a loved one, having an important (from your perspective) email ignored or getting dumped after a few dates?

Here are a few things to consider in no order.

Ask yourself – what am I supposed to or can I learn from this?

Ask yourself – what is this trying to teach me.

Accept the fact that God (if you are a non-believer this one will have no meaning or benefit for you) doesn’t punish us with stuff but allows stuff to help us learn.  My first reaction to everything I don’t like or want and even stuff I do is – OK, God – what are you up to with this?

Keep in mind that all of life’s experiences are teachers trying to teach us about ourselves and not necessarily the situation or other people.  (I was given three children for them to teach me not for me to teach them.)

Ask yourself – is this the first time this lesson has come to me or is it repeating because I have failed to learn from previous situations and if so – why?

Spend more time in prayer, meditation, quiet introspection and/or, nature.

Turn off technology and the outside world and just listen to yourself.

See the potential humor in everything.

Spend time listening to your favorite music.

There are numerous other tasks and/or activities you can do that can help you through the weeds of negative life circumstances that can cause pain but the most important one is the decision not to let outside circumstances or people take control of you.