Can you let go or stuck holding on?

Can you let go or stuck holding on?

Can’t let go of something – a possession, relationship, career or a mindset or attitude?  Welcome to the “I want to change something in my life club”.

You would be amazed at how many people are stuck in circumstances, relationships or careers that are invalidating, destructive or lack the things that they want in their lives - who accept them and settle and refuse to let go and move on or make positive changes.  Why?  Is it fear, insecurity, a give up mindset or something simpler? Or could it be a combination of the above and more?

First let’s look at what holding on looks like and then the advantages and yes benefits of letting go.

Holding on – First let me state that I have been guilty many times of holding on to something that I should have let go of so I am not preaching here as someone above the fray.  But I have learned, painfully I might add, the consequences of holding on.

Holding on is similar to hoarding or the failure to release – anything, something or everything.  It’s often an obsession that controls a person’s life in a negative way.  We convince ourselves that what we have or desire is what we need, deserve, want or are worthy of regardless of its impact on the quality of our life – negative or positive. This is a form of denial and justification.  It prevents us from stepping out and seeing what could be and accepting what is.

However, having said this there are times when God tests us to test our faith, resolve and courage.  Having survived four recessions during my career and often been advised to throw in the towel in my career – I didn’t and I will never regret sticking with my decision years ago that speaking and writing as my calling and destiny.  Having said this, I am not suggesting that holding on is always the best choice.  Would I have been more successful at something else? Made more money than I have in my career?  Who knows, but what I do know is that this decision always felt right no matter the circumstances.

Holding on can be both right or wrong or it depends.  It’s never an easy choice or decision but in the end ask yourself – does holding on give me peace, joy and contentment or create stress, fear and other negative emotions?

Letting go is also never easy – memories, possibilities, unknowns and possible consequences as a result of starting over.  Doesn’t matter whether it’s a relationship, career, business or where you live – you will never know what could have been if you don’t let go.

There’s an old saying – when a door closes another one opens however just because it opens doesn’t mean we should go through it or it is the best choice.  Again letting go can be filled with uncertainty and opportunity but we have to be ready to deal whichever life gives us.

What I can tell you is that during my life, looking back, there were times when I wish I had let go and times when I wish I had held on – who knows.  But there were also many times when letting go created opportunities for something better that I would never have experienced had I not had the courage to let go and face the unknown.

How about you?  Holding on to something that it’s time to let go of?  Afraid to let go due to a comfort level and some attitude that you are too old, too inexperienced or some other rationale that prevents you from starting over?

You will never know the consequences of holding on or letting go and that’s life folks.

Resolutions or change – that is the question.

Resolutions or change – that is the question.

Tim Connor

Well folks – another year under the belt (not literally – unless you ate too much).

A suggestion – make this a period of reflection and not resolutions and why?  Well over 90% of resolutions are not kept - again and why not?

Lack of discipline?

Lack of focus?

Lack of purpose?

Lack of passion?

Lack of action?

Lack of commitment?

YES, to all of the above. So why not try something different this year – spend a few hours in reflection and get to the root of your need for change, improvement or at least finding better excuses. 

I’ll give you a few questions to get you started, then it’s up to you to add more depending on your personal circumstances, dreams, goals or life purpose.

1)    What were some of your poor or bad decisions last year? Why did you make them? How did they turn out?

2)    How about the good ones? And why? And what were the results?

3)    Goals that were not met?  And why?

4)    Goals met and how? Or why? 

Getting sick of the why’s? Well nothing will change unless you answer the why’s.

5)    Mindsets or attitudes that need change, elimination or improvement.

6)    Circumstances you didn’t expect that you were not prepared for.

7)    Unexpected blessings or gifts (not stuff) you received.

8)    Behaviors that may be sabotaging your success and or happiness.

9)    Something you need to let go of or surrender to.

10) New people in your life that are getting in the way of your journey.

11) New people in your life that are accelerating your journey.

12) Personal habits that are having a negative impact on your life.

13) Relationships that need to be re-evaluated and why?

14) Disappointment’s and why?

15) Decisions not made and why not?

These should get you started. 

Have a prosperous, healthy, happy and successful 2016.

Learning vs. unlearning – which will speed your journey to success and happiness?

Learning vs. unlearning –

which will speed your journey to success and happiness?

Tim Connor

I’m guessing that to achieve greater success and or happiness you believe you need to learn more. But how about unlearning – stuff that may be getting in your way.  

That’s what the experts on finding success and happiness finally tend to admit that to unlearn is often a better approach that gaining new knowledge.  Now please keep in mind that I’m not referring here to education, professional skills or necessary talent in specific disciplines like – medicine, technology or transportation etc. I am referring to some basic and fundamental mental attitudes, traits, mindsets and philosophies that could be holding you back.  Let me explain.

From our first day of birth the mind started taking in information – lots of information - some valuable and necessary, but a lot that can over time inhibit our self-esteem, personal growth, maturity, behavior and decision making.

Let me give you a common example.

Let’s say that as you were growing up your parents sent you a message that you just were not good enough in some way.  Now, maybe their intent was not to permanently damage you but they still passed on a message of insecurity, unworthiness or some other negative self-worth message.  Well the way the mind works, that message became a permanent part of your brain/mind physiology and has had varying degrees of impact on your life as it progressed.

Now you are in your 30’s or 50’s and guess what – that message is still there and in some way may be affecting your thoughts and or actions and yet you are a totally new and different person.

Do you think learning to unlearn this mindset might benefit you in some way?  Well, yes. But, the problem is that it often takes more energy, purpose, discipline and effort to unlearn something than to learn something new. And why?

Not wanting to give you a long lesson here in your mental makeup and how it impacts your life let me just say that everything you have heard, thought, said and learned is stored in your over 300 billion brain cells just waiting to resurface when an internal or external trigger brings it into your now moments.  The only way to change this behavior or mental process is to unlearn but the problem is – you can’t unlearn – I know that sounds contradictory to this entire message.  Again, let me briefly explain.

It's called the law of displacement or overriding.  It’s easy to override or replace a software program – just hit a few keys but with your brain you have to create what are called new neural pathways or ways of thinking.  This is accomplished by learning to replace existing thought patterns with new ones – not an easy or quick path which is why so many people struggle with old emotional and mental baggage that causes pain, fear, disappointment, impatience, regret, anger and any other negative emotional response to certain circumstances or people.

So what can you do? Here are a few suggestions.

1)    Spend less time with people who reinforce or validate the thoughts you need/want to eliminate.

2)    Spend some thoughtful time in paying attention – present awareness – observing your thoughts and thought patterns.

3)    Start a thought journal and write down common thoughts that you tend to repeat and start asking – why – where did they come from – are they helping or hurting me?

4)    Start exposing yourself to more people and information (books, seminars, courses etc.) that represent who you want to be and how.

5)    Stop making excuses for behavior or actions or decisions that are contrary to how you want to behave.

6)    Give someone in your life you respect and trust permission to hold you accountable telling them how you want them to aid you.  For example, if you tend to be negative or pessimistic give them permission to point out every time you act this way and without getting defensive.

Well these should get you started but a word of caution – if you are not serious about change – unlearning – you will tend to quit or feel it is too hard or taking too long.  It is both – it won’t be easy and it won’t happen fast.

Trust – When it leaves a relationship – so does everything else !

Trust – When it leaves a relationship – so does everything else !

Tim Connor

Let me repeat, when you lose trust in anyone – you interpret everything said or done by them based on uncertainty, fear, anger, doubt, suspicion and disbelief – not a basis for a lasting and mutually beneficial relationship whether personal or business.

Ever lost trust for someone – a supervisor, spouse, friend or anyone for that matter?  If your answer is no you most likely either be in denial or living on some other planet.

Exactly what is trust and what causes us to lose it?  

Do people lie, misrepresent or tell half-truths?  Yes, yes and yes.  Do these always inflict pain on another person?  Yes, no and it depends.

Anytime we tell a lie or fudge the truth there is usually a personal agenda attached – either to not look bad, stupid or immature or to not hurt another person.

I don’t care if it’s a spouse, a first date, an employee, a customer, a child or a government official - lies detract from truth and then trust.  Keep in mind that truth for each of us is grounded in our personal beliefs, experience, education and values. All facts are interpreted individually and uniquely based on a person’s expectations, knowledge, experience and self-esteem. So, when I say its – blue – you can say well, it’s light blue or whatever.  When I say I’ll be there at noon – if I arrive at 12:05 did I lie or do I have other personal issues that got in the way?  It doesn’t matter if your expectation is grounded in an opinion that everyone should always do what they say.

I know, this can be a complicated issue but in the end we all have our versions of what is true or false and right or wrong.

As a speaker having been in front of over a million people worldwide I can tell you – a large portion of any audience will sooner or later take issue with something I say. Is it what I said or how they chose to interpret it?  I’ll let you answer that question.

Trust - confidence in and reliance on good qualities, especially fairness, truth, honor, or ability - the position of somebody who is expected by others to behave responsibly or honorably. Let me ask you can anyone define any of the previous words uniquely or personally?  If so, then what is trust?  Is it hearing or experiencing what we want or expect or is it the ability to handle someone’s different; view, opinion, explanation or rationale?

My point here is that trust is a slippery area that can be lost in any relationship with or without reality – what is.

I could give you hundreds of examples going back centuries in history from every profession but I’ll share just three.  The Bible states – X – and it contradicts with a personal belief in some way – do you question other aspects of this book?  Do you lose trust in other statements – true or false – based on your personal beliefs, values or experience?

A spouse asks you – do I look good in this outfit?  You think no, but you respond with a yes.  Does this simple comment, even though not true from your perspective, destroy the relationship – not likely.  If a boss asks you why you are late and you tell them there was traffic but the reality is you just slept in – is this a career breaker?  Not likely.  However, if the boss discovers there was no traffic that morning they may not confront you on it but is there a possibility the next time you are asked about an issues and you tell a small white lie do you think over time this boss will begin to lose trust in you?  If they do, do you think it will impact the quality and integrity of your relationship?  You decide.

Truth and trust are related but the problem is truth has versions or variables as I have stated above.  If these versions or interpretations of them by another person or group have significance for others they will over time have a negative impact on trust.

Trust doesn’t mean we always have to agree but that I will always tell you what is real from my perspective.  If my desire is for your approval or to avoid conflict and I fudge answers over time to maintain these factors you will begin to wonder – what’s true and what isn’t – thus you now begin to travel down the slippery road to less trust.

“Little happens in a relationship until individuals learn to trust each other.”

David Johnson

Trust – When it leaves a relationship – so does everything else !

Trust – When it leaves a relationship – so does everything else !

Tim Connor

Let me repeat, when you lose trust in anyone – you interpret everything said or done by them based on uncertainty, fear, anger, doubt, suspicion and disbelief – not a basis for a lasting and mutually beneficial relationship whether personal or business.

Ever lost trust for someone – a supervisor, spouse, friend or anyone for that matter?  If your answer is no you most likely either be in denial or living on some other planet.

Exactly what is trust and what causes us to lose it?  

Do people lie, misrepresent or tell half-truths?  Yes, yes and yes.  Do these always inflict pain on another person?  Yes, no and it depends.

Anytime we tell a lie or fudge the truth there is usually a personal agenda attached – either to not look bad, stupid or immature or to not hurt another person.

I don’t care if it’s a spouse, a first date, an employee, a customer, a child or a government official - lies detract from truth and then trust.  Keep in mind that truth for each of us is grounded in our personal beliefs, experience, education and values. All facts are interpreted individually and uniquely based on a person’s expectations, knowledge, experience and self-esteem. So, when I say its – blue – you can say well, it’s light blue or whatever.  When I say I’ll be there at noon – if I arrive at 12:05 did I lie or do I have other personal issues that got in the way?  It doesn’t matter if your expectation is grounded in an opinion that everyone should always do what they say.

I know, this can be a complicated issue but in the end we all have our versions of what is true or false and right or wrong.

As a speaker having been in front of over a million people worldwide I can tell you – a large portion of any audience will sooner or later take issue with something I say. Is it what I said or how they chose to interpret it?  I’ll let you answer that question.

Trust - confidence in and reliance on good qualities, especially fairness, truth, honor, or ability - the position of somebody who is expected by others to behave responsibly or honorably. Let me ask you can anyone define any of the previous words uniquely or personally?  If so, then what is trust?  Is it hearing or experiencing what we want or expect or is it the ability to handle someone’s different; view, opinion, explanation or rationale?

My point here is that trust is a slippery area that can be lost in any relationship with or without reality – what is.

I could give you hundreds of examples going back centuries in history from every profession but I’ll share just three.  The Bible states – X – and it contradicts with a personal belief in some way – do you question other aspects of this book?  Do you lose trust in other statements – true or false – based on your personal beliefs, values or experience?

A spouse asks you – do I look good in this outfit?  You think no, but you respond with a yes.  Does this simple comment, even though not true from your perspective, destroy the relationship – not likely.  If a boss asks you why you are late and you tell them there was traffic but the reality is you just slept in – is this a career breaker?  Not likely.  However, if the boss discovers there was no traffic that morning they may not confront you on it but is there a possibility the next time you are asked about an issues and you tell a small white lie do you think over time this boss will begin to lose trust in you?  If they do, do you think it will impact the quality and integrity of your relationship?  You decide.

Truth and trust are related but the problem is truth has versions or variables as I have stated above.  If these versions or interpretations of them by another person or group have significance for others they will over time have a negative impact on trust.

Trust doesn’t mean we always have to agree but that I will always tell you what is real from my perspective.  If my desire is for your approval or to avoid conflict and I fudge answers over time to maintain these factors you will begin to wonder – what’s true and what isn’t – thus you now begin to travel down the slippery road to less trust.

“Little happens in a relationship until individuals learn to trust each other.”

David Johnson

Think outside the box - what a stupid approach

Think outside the box - what a stupid approach

Tim Connor

If I hear one more person say “We need to think outside the box.” I am going to throw up.  This is not the answer to your challenges or problems – it’s a myth.  Let me explain.

I am sure you have – said it, heard it or at some point tried to figure out exactly what does this mean.  What does it mean – try something new, try seeming different, stop doing things the same ways – etc etc.

What is thinking outside the box exactly?  Is it modifying current techniques or approaches in some way or just tweaking what isn’t working?

There are three things you need to ask when something isn’t working; how isn’t it working, why isn’t it working and what would working look like?  Until you get honest answers to these questions – forget the box.

Until you have reality based answers to these three basic questions you can’t move on to the next step and it isn’t thinking outside the box and why not?  In a nutshell;

First of all what is the box?  It’s a paradigm, a way of looking at things the way you always have for whatever reasons; comfort, ease, convenience or political correctness etc. Keep in mind that these rationales are yours only and don’t necessarily represent what’s good, right, better or the best and you have them for a reason - most likely because you are used to them.

Here’s the problem with the idea of thinking outside the box.

Something isn’t working so you need to change something.  So you try something new or different (out of the box).  It doesn’t work for whatever reason and now you have a choice, keep trying new or different things hoping for better results but nothing still seems to work so your next choice will normally be to “jump back in the box.”  Bad idea.  It wasn’t working before you jumped out of the box, so why do you think it will work better now after trying new things/approaches that didn’t work out to your expectations, needs or desires?  So - it’s back to what was and why?  Well, even though it didn’t work before at least it was more comfortable and familiar than the lack of success you had with new approaches.

The other problem is that when you think outside the box what do you think you will tend to bring to new attempts?  The memory of past mistakes, previous assumptions, desired expectations and the experiences you had while trying to make the past work.

Trust me, I can’t tell you how many times I have tried to think outside the box because something wasn’t working but in reality, I didn’t need to start all over but just analyze a few simple things.  I know, you can say “Well, Tim, that’s thinking outside the box.”  Sorry. Thinking outside the box implies a new start.

Ask any inventor and they will tell you that when something isn’t working it doesn’t mean they have to begin again with something new.

But here’s another way to look at this.  Throw the box away when something isn’t working.  So when you try something new and if it doesn’t work there is no box you can jump back into.  You have to make the new approach(s) work better than what you were used to doing.

Edison, Gates, Jobs and hundreds of others did one of two things when something wasn’t working – analyze, evaluate and reconsider or they threw the box away and began again.

When you throw the box away it doesn’t mean you can’t take the lessons, learning and experience from previous stuff but that you leave behind the need to stay comfortable with something old.

Everything can be better.  Anything can be improved.  The problem is that far too many people settle for what is working even though it could be far better if they would let go of their need for approval of others, ego, the fear of failure or the need to have it right the first time.

I’ll guarantee you that NASA, The Center for Disease Control and any organization didn’t achieve the success they desired the first time they tried something and that on many occasions they had to start again leaving behind the effort, resources and time invested in what didn’t work.

Throw the box away!