Trust – When it leaves a
relationship – so does everything else !
Tim Connor
Let me
repeat, when you lose trust in anyone – you interpret everything said or done
by them based on uncertainty, fear, anger, doubt, suspicion and disbelief – not
a basis for a lasting and mutually beneficial relationship whether personal or
business.
Ever lost
trust for someone – a supervisor, spouse, friend or anyone for that
matter? If your answer is no you most
likely either be in denial or living on some other planet.
Exactly what
is trust and what causes us to lose it?
Do people
lie, misrepresent or tell half-truths?
Yes, yes and yes. Do these always
inflict pain on another person? Yes, no
and it depends.
Anytime we
tell a lie or fudge the truth there is usually a personal agenda attached –
either to not look bad, stupid or immature or to not hurt another person.
I don’t care
if it’s a spouse, a first date, an employee, a customer, a child or a
government official - lies detract from truth and then trust. Keep in mind that truth for each of us is
grounded in our personal beliefs, experience, education and values. All facts
are interpreted individually and uniquely based on a person’s expectations,
knowledge, experience and self-esteem. So, when I say its – blue – you can say
well, it’s light blue or whatever. When
I say I’ll be there at noon – if I arrive at 12:05 did I lie or do I have other
personal issues that got in the way? It
doesn’t matter if your expectation is grounded in an opinion that everyone
should always do what they say.
I know, this
can be a complicated issue but in the end we all have our versions of what is
true or false and right or wrong.
As a speaker
having been in front of over a million people worldwide I can tell you – a
large portion of any audience will sooner or later take issue with something I
say. Is it what I said or how they chose to interpret it? I’ll let you answer that question.
Trust - confidence
in and reliance on good qualities, especially fairness, truth, honor, or
ability - the position of somebody who is expected by others to behave
responsibly or honorably. Let me ask you can anyone define any of the previous
words uniquely or personally? If so,
then what is trust? Is it hearing or
experiencing what we want or expect or is it the ability to handle someone’s different;
view, opinion, explanation or rationale?
My point
here is that trust is a slippery area that can be lost in any relationship with
or without reality – what is.
I could give you hundreds of examples going
back centuries in history from every profession but I’ll share just three. The Bible states – X – and it contradicts
with a personal belief in some way – do you question other aspects of this
book? Do you lose trust in other
statements – true or false – based on your personal beliefs, values or
experience?
A spouse
asks you – do I look good in this outfit?
You think no, but you respond with a yes. Does this simple comment, even though not
true from your perspective, destroy the relationship – not likely. If a boss asks you why you are late and you
tell them there was traffic but the reality is you just slept in – is this a
career breaker? Not likely. However, if the boss discovers there was no
traffic that morning they may not confront you on it but is there a possibility
the next time you are asked about an issues and you tell a small white lie do
you think over time this boss will begin to lose trust in you? If they do, do you think it will impact the
quality and integrity of your relationship?
You decide.
Truth and
trust are related but the problem is truth has versions or variables as I have
stated above. If these versions or
interpretations of them by another person or group have significance for others
they will over time have a negative impact on trust.
Trust
doesn’t mean we always have to agree but that I will always tell you what is
real from my perspective. If my desire
is for your approval or to avoid conflict and I fudge answers over time to
maintain these factors you will begin to wonder – what’s true and what isn’t –
thus you now begin to travel down the slippery road to less trust.
“Little
happens in a relationship until individuals learn to trust each other.”
David Johnson
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