Disappointment is not an outcome but a process

Ever been disappointed? We all are sooner or later and some of us more often than others and more often than necessary. What exactly is disappointment and what are its primary contributors?  But also, why do we set ourselves up for it?

Disappointment - the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations.  Get it – the single biggest cause of disappointment are the expectations we want or need to happen or feelings we have when we have been let down by others or circumstances.

Let me briefly explain the title as I believe that expectations and their outcomes are more of a process than an outcome.

We want something to happen – a returned phone call, email or text response, someone to show up on time for lunch – whatever – and we believe/feel that it should happen due to our own needs, desires or situations and then BAM – nothing.  So, we get upset, angry, hurt or yes – disappointed.  I call it the disappointment – setup.  Can it be avoided? Yes, but there are a few conditions that must be present.

First we have to grasp the simple concept that we are not in control of others or their actions, responses, timing or agendas.

Second we must accept that the world doesn’t revolve around us.

And third we must nurture patience – not an easy task for control freaks.

When I say that disappointment is a process it starts with us and how we turn over control of our feelings, behavior, decisions or actions to others or circumstances.  It doesn’t just happen – it builds slowly as time passes and you wait for responses, actions, decisions or outcomes you want from others or life in general.

I don’t care if it’s an airline flight that is late or cancelled, the weather that messes with your weekend plans or simply routine traffic while on the way to an important meeting – it’s all the same – stuff happens and if this concept is not ingrained in your consciousness I will guarantee you spend a great deal of time in a mindset of disappointment.

The other factor is the stress that is caused by these situations and if you are not aware of the negative impact of this let me tell you that everything in life is a stressor – a wedding or a divorce, winning the lotto or filing bankruptcy, getting fired or starting a new position – everything in life is a stressor but the body doesn’t separate negative from positive stressors – they are all the same.  Stress isn’t what is happening but how you choose to respond internally to what is happening.

Yes, disappointment is a major contributor to stress and again its primary causes are the expectations you bring to any and every situation or person.

What can you do to eliminate or reduce your disappointments?  Simple folks – let go emotionally of the things you can’t control.  Accept that life happens and not always according to your agendas or needs.

I’ll share one of my life mantras with you – “I will be excited if it happens but I won’t be disappointed if it doesn’t.”

Are you stuck on your own pedestal?

We all have a certain degree of “self-adornment” but the real question is – is our self-made pedestal beyond – humility, wisdom, compassion and the ability to step off this podium when essential or even needed to achieve success, happiness and inner peace?

During my world travels I have met hundreds of “ego maniacs” as well as thousands of real, compassionate and kindhearted people so – the question I would like to address in this article is simply – are you stuck or trapped by your self-aggrandizement and an unwillingness to step off your pedestal when appropriate, necessary or beneficial?

I guess the first question is - are you on a self-created pedestal?  And if you are, why did you put yourself there and how is life working for you as you look down on everyone else in your life? Or, are you on one that someone else put you on?

What exactly is a pedestal?  Here’s my definition as it relates to this article – A self-created position above or higher than others when it comes to integrity, humility, intelligence, compassion or understanding.  It is when you feel better than others in some way creating emotional distance and separation between you and those around you.

Why do people put themselves on a pedestal?  Is it the need for approval, acceptance or low self-esteem?  Is it arrogance, ego and the need for power fame and success?  Yes, and yes.

Yes, some of us might have more fame, power, money and stuff but in the end does any of this make us a better person?  I don’t think so.  As I said I have met thousands of people around the world and yes, many judge others by what they have or do but in the end I don’t believe any of this makes us better.

In the end – it’s all going away so the question remains – is how you are living today having a positive or negative impact on where or how you will spend eternity?

Yes, you might be able to take better vacations, have nicer homes and cars and have a lot of pleasure while here but let’s be clear – one day it will all be left behind.

I have met wonderful people who had little or nothing and spent the majority of their lives giving to others, supporting others emotionally and sharing themselves unselfishly.

What’s your story – focused on stuff, the short term of life, what you have or gain or want OR leaving behind a legacy of love, caring and support to those who cross your path?

If you are on a self-made pedestal – I will guarantee you that sooner or later it will come crashing down.  If you are on a pedestal that someone else put you on I will guarantee that sooner or later they will wish they hadn’t.

Self-control is not saying No but Yes!

We’ve all heard it – from parents, spouses, teachers, supervisors, friends and even family – “you need more self-control”.  I won’t argue this point, but I must add that self-control is a lot more than saying no to something - It is almost always saying “yes”.  Let me explain.

Self-control is a very close cousin to discipline and discipline is also just as much about saying yes as it is no.

So, you want to lose weight, better use your time, stop procrastinating, spend more wisely, exercise more, read more – whatever -  but just saying no is seldom ever enough as we all have weaknesses, challenges and a lack of commitment sooner or later depending on how serious we are about our goals, mission, destiny or just everyday living.

As a “desert lover” it isn’t always easy to just say “no to Key Lime Pie or anything else sweet but sometimes I need an extra push or better still – something I can say yes to instead of no. For example – yes to an apple or another glass of iced tea.

I believe it is generally easier to say yes to things than no. Whether it’s a request from a friend or a favor for a family member, many times we say yes when we want to say no but don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings with a no.  The same is often true for ourselves - saying yes is sometimes easier than the resistance that a no can bring.

I’m not suggesting that if you are a member AA that this will always work but think about it – how often do you say yes to a habit vs. a no?  So, why not reverse this process and find alternate things you can say yes too, to change a behavior.

Here are a couple of examples:

When you don’t feel like exercising and want to say no (an excuse) say yes to - I can do this because I want to look better, feel better or just have a sense of accomplishment.

When you want to hit the snooze button to grab an extra few minutes’ sleep, say yes instead of no – I want to get up to have some extra time to get ready.

There could be hundreds of illustrations here but the message is always the same – when you feel the need to say no – replace it with a yes.  Try it – you will be amazed.

Life’s Five Essential Ingredients!

Do you know what the five essential traits, beliefs or life mindsets are for a well lived life?  Here are mine – wisdom, discernment, faith, integrity and action.  Let me explain why I feel these are the vital ones and yes, there are others, but if you live with just these you are headed in the right direction in creating an amazing life with fewer regrets, less stress and greater inner peace.

But, first why have I chosen just these five as the essentials? Well, it wasn’t easy as I have been on a very active journey for over forty years of study, learning, evaluating and considering.  I read on average - 2 books a week (and have for many years) by a wide variety of authors and I have learned a great deal about what does matter and what doesn’t in life.  What works and what doesn’t and what to practice and what to let go of.  Let me add however that I am not there yet, not even close as I am a student of life and not by and means an expert.  But, you are reading this so I am making some progress.

I chose these five for three reasons. 1) What have I learned that I wish I had learned earlier. 2)What have I learned that has made life more peaceful and filled with joy and 3) What have I learned that I wish I had avoided or let go of sooner.

So, now the five;

Wisdom – First – wisdom is not information, intelligence, maturity, insight, character, knowledge, experience or lessons learned.  It is the willingness and ability to blend all of these into a lifestyle that contributes to success, happiness, inner peace, contentment and ease of living no matter what you have faced, dealt with, overcome or has hit you like a 2x4 when you weren’t looking.  It’s the ability to face all circumstances, situations, people, failure, adversity and pain with a life view that shouts – I can’t control everything or everyone but I can control myself and I can learn to lean on God for guidance and not my self-sufficiency whether I am faced with trials and struggle or success and prosperity.  Wisdom is simply living wisely according to what is and not what was or you hope will one day be.

We all want success and happiness but we don’t always get to choose what will bring these to us.  We all want less adversity, struggle and pain but we are the ones who get to decide what it means, how we react to it, what we learn and how it impacts every area of our life.  That my friends is wisdom.

Discernment – The ability to determine what is important, relevant or necessary to achieve a worthwhile life includes the ability to choose wisely.  Today we have hundreds if not thousands of options, choices and directions we could go but just because it’s easy, quick or good doesn’t make it right.  Discernment is the ability to consider both the short term impact of choices, decisions and actions.  When you live with this as a mindset you will live with less regret, disappointment and frustration.  It doesn’t mean you will have fewer problems or even less failure but you will be better equipped to deal with these when you choose with maturity, consideration and a sense of reality.

Faith – I’m not just referring here to spiritual but life faith.  Yes, I believe it is necessary to have faith in God but He also expects us to have faith in ourselves, our desires, dreams and goals.  By this I am by no means suggesting that our human faith in life will ever equal, replace or dismiss our faith in God but without faith in ourselves it is very difficult to have faith in anything else.  Faith is simply believing in advance what you can’t see, prove or validate with your human experience, intelligence or knowledge.  Faith is hope that includes belief, courage, will and accepting that you can’t always control what happens but you can always control your reactions and/or responses to what happens.  Faith is a real test of your inner ability to trust life regardless of its trials, successes, disappointments and even failures.

Integrity – We are living in a world that is filled with uncertainty, a lack of congruence when it comes to words and actions and is riddled with greed and self-absorption. And the ultimate consequences are a lack of personal, relationship and business integrity.  Yes, there are many people who really say what they mean and mean what they say, but often separating these folks from the majority of society is becoming very difficult.  Integrity is becoming a lost behavior in many ways in areas of society and the outcomes are – chaos, dysfunction, emotional outbursts and a lack of trust to mention a few.  Integrity is doing what is right not what you think or believe is right as “right” can be defined differently by everyone.  It is honoring basic fundamental human beliefs and values that add trustworthiness to relationships and human value.

Action – Decisions, goals, dreams and plans without actions are meaningless. You would be amazed at how many people want better life outcomes in some areas of their lives and plan, dream and hope but never act.  What’s the point in spending time in these activities if you fail to move forward?  Action does not guarantee success or failure, ease or struggle, positive or negative results but one thing is for sure – without it you will never achieve anything.  Let me repeat to achieve you must act.  It doesn’t matter whether it’s losing weight, becoming a millionaire or finding life joy and happiness – you have to act.  Acting is never easy as it never guarantees you the results or outcomes you desire but often the process can teach you about what really matters in life.  In other words, if you act and as you move forward you fell less comfortable with your outcomes along the way it may be time to let go of something and embrace something else or new.  But in the end sooner or later you must act if you want to achieve anything.

Why not consider these and how you are doing when it comes to the quality of your life?  Go for it, what have you got to lose.

Sales Boot Camp - Charlotte, NC

Sales Boot Camp

“Sell More - Faster and Easier”

Presented by Tim Connor – Global Sales Trainer

Charlotte - May 23, 2016

“Do you want your business to thrive regardless of market or economic circumstances or just survive?”  Then attend Tim’s popular annual Sales Boot Camp.  Whether you are a seasoned sales pro or a beginner you will leave this session with ideas, techniques and approaches that are guaranteed to increase your sales for the long and not just the short term.

During this High Impact and relevant session – just some of what he will cover:

-How to Improve sales margins.

-How to reduce sales closing conversion time and improve results.

-How to better manage time for improved performance.

-How to successfully compete in the marketplace.

-Basic negotiation skills.

-How to find more prospects easier and faster.

-How to spend less time with poor prospects.

-Overcoming common sales objections.

-How to improve customer loyalty and repeat and referral business.

And MUCH More. . .

This program is limited to only 35 participants - register early as Tim only does this program once a year and it sells out quickly.

Date: May 23, 2016 9 AM - 4 PM

Location: Crowne Plaza Hotel, Westpark Dr. Charlotte, NC

Fee: $175.00 per person (Register 3 or more the fee is $155/person)

**Register before 4/15/16: the fee is only $145. (3 or more $125. /person)

The program includes:

-A comprehensive session manual.

-A copy of one of Tim’s bestselling books.

-A post program one-hour telephone coaching session.

Total Program Value: $595.00

If you would like to register or have questions –

contact me – 704-875-1230   timspeaks4u@gmail.com

Is your life purpose: what you have, what you do or who you are?

Many people in life send mixed messages to their family, customers, employees or even total strangers creating confusion, a lack of trust and yes a lack of integrity with what they believe, stand for or how they will be remembered or even who they really are.

Is it fame you seek or fortune, power, wealth, love, influence, achievement, control, stuff, recognition, approval, success, all of these or something else?  Or, is it inner peace, contentment, service, joy, happiness or salvation and the inner sense that your life was more than what you had or what you did while you were here?

Having travelled the world for over forty years meeting thousands of people in all walks of life in many cultures you would be amazed at how many people want the latter examples, but believe they can achieve them with the former ones.

When the end comes for each of us – and it will one day - what do you think will really matter or how will we be remembered even if we are remembered?  Will it be the car we drove, the house we lived in, our net worth or the lives we touched in a positive way and a legacy of compassion, understanding, support and giving?  What do you think?  How do you want to be remembered?  What do you want your legacy to be?

You’ve heard it – you can’t take it with you.  Yes, I’m sure a few of you are thinking – but while I was here I had a great life – travelled the world, ate in the best restaurants and had a life of pleasure.  But let me ask you – did you live a life of joy?  Did you live a life for others or for yourself?  Did you give more than you received?

When I look in the eyes of others I see superficial desires and dreams but when given the chance and the ability to see into their hearts I often see pain, disappointment, regret and a sense of emptiness no matter their status, fame or wealth.

I have had the pleasure of knowing many millionaires and a couple of billionaires during my life as well as many people who struggled to survive day to day every day and I am amazed at how life’s simple and free pleasures meant more to them than any amount of money could ever buy.  I have stood by the bedsides of a few friends who left here with a smile instead of sadness and a few who left with regret.  But, for all of them it was over.  No second chances.  And you know what were the common traits in both groups?

The folks that left with a smile achieved their dreams of service, kindness and caring while the others still had far too many things on their financial bucket lists – never to be realized.  How sad.

But this article is not about them or me but you. Are you living your life searching for what you want or what you can share, what you own or what you can give, what you accomplish or how you can help others achieve, what you do or how you can help others rise up and what you meant to others or how others could contribute to you?

Until you can honestly answer these questions and others and live with an inside-out integrity consistent with basic human values, purpose and consistency, I will guarantee you will live a life of uncertainty, disappointment and frustration.

Is it worth it?  Time will tell!  And, it’s your choice!

Are you winning the battle against fear?

The single factor that determines a person’s success, happiness and overall satisfaction with life is their ability to manage the emotion of fear.

The inability to successfully handle fear regardless of the circumstances you face will have a negative impact on your decisions, ability, talent, success, inner peace, relationships and every other area in your life day to day.

Fear is the universal nemesis. It is the common enemy that stands between all of your potential and ability to act decisively in times of uncertainty.  It prevents you from trusting your inner guidance system and it stands between you and all of your dreams and their fulfillment. Fear is the number one cause of illness and stress and it haunts you relentlessly as you go through the situations and challenges of each day.

If it is your desire to find inner peace, happiness and enduring success you must learn how to disarm this emotion once and for all.  The critical thing to keep in mind however is that only you can conquer your fear.  Yes, you can read all of the self-help wisdom from others.  You can attend seminars and even participate in some form of counseling but in the end how you handle this emotion is up to you.  Only you can do the inner work necessary to once and for all eliminate this debilitating and relentless thought pattern from your mind.

Why do people fear so many things in life?  Is it the need for control or to be able to know the future?  Is it the simple fact that they don’t believe they are capable of handling what’s around the next corner?  Is it a belief that life should unfold as they feel it should?  Or is it simply the lack of self-belief and self-confidence that no matter what comes into their life they can handle it?  Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes.

Ever felt afraid of what will happen tomorrow or next year?  Feeling fear today for some situation that you are uncertain about?  If yes, think about a simple truth – you are focusing on what might be in the future rather than what is happening now. 

It’s a proven fact that over 80% of the things people fear never come to pass.  So why do so many people waste all of their now moments losing the value of them to something that will most likely never be?

I for one have had my share of fears for what the future held but in retrospect I can tell you at the end of the day I often wondered why I let this debilitating emotion control my life.  On introspection I finally figured out, and it took a lot of effort, that I didn’t trust God and myself that all would turn out as I hoped or desired.

Is this arrogance, a lack of faith or some other self-imposed attitude or belief that I did not posses the ability and confidence to handle whatever came my way?

I finally decided that I could no longer let what might one day be, control what was now.  I had to surrender and accept that no matter what crossed my path was there to help me grow, mature and learn to trust myself and my Creator.

This process took time, patience and courage but in the end I won the battle against fear.  How are you doing?  Are you working on eliminating this emotional threat from your mindset or does it still from time to time get in the way of your progress, creativity, success and or happiness?

I am confident there are many ways to once and for all eliminate this deadly emotion from your consciousness but the technique I used was a simple process of displacement.  Let me explain.

Take a full glass of water and gradually pour sand into the glass.  If you continue this process of displacing the water with the sand at some point the glass will no longer have any water in it and will be full of sand.  Think of the water as fear and the sand as any other positive feeling or emotion. 

So as simple as this process might sound it does require a few actions on your part.

      1)    You have to recognize that fear is in some way causing you to lose all of the joy,
           happiness, success and inner peace in life.

2)    You have to buy some sand.

3)    You have to keep pouring the sand into the glass no matter how long it takes or how uncomfortable it might be.

4)    You have to turn off all of the outside influences that keep you locked in the fear state of mind.

I don’t care if you use affirmations, visualization, psychological anchors, prayer, meditation or some other approach.  The key is that every time you feel any form of fear you learn to stop giving your attention to it and displace it with other actions or thoughts.  So if you want to eliminate fear in your life and be all that you can be and do all that you can do.  You must eradicate fear from your mind – once and for all. So, go buy some sand.