A few stupid words

A few stupid words

Tim Connor

Ever heard anyone say – “but”?  How about “someday”?  Or two of my favorites – “You need to, or you should.”  I could go on for hours about all of the dumb things people say either with negative intentions to hurt others or out of sheer ignorance on the impact that a few words can have on a relationship, a person’s career or even their future.

Think I am kidding?

How about you - ask someone to marry you and they say “maybe!”  Think that ever happens?  You would be amazed.  Or can I have a raise or a day off or can I attend a seminar?  I’ll let you know!

How about you ask your spouse – how do you think we are doing in our relationship so far?  Response – well, it depends.  Or, I need to think about it.  Or, some stuff is ok, and some stuff is not ok.

Do you want to hear from your dentist when you have significant pain – not sure what’s causing it.  Or, from your cardiac doctor, they don’t know why you are having shortness of breath.  Or from your banker, I’m not sure we can give you this loan, I’ll have to get back to you.

Have I made my point yet?  The words we all use have an impact either on others – positively, negatively or can contribute to create increased uncertainty, fear or any number of negative emotions.

Let me ask you, do you think about your words, responses to others or do you just throw out whatever words come to mind without reflection or concern they might have?

I was once asked by a client who was giving an annual speech to all of his employees to be in the audience to evaluate the relevance, effectiveness, impact, and interest of his employees in his message.  At the conclusion, he asked me, “well, how did I do?”

Well, during your 45-minute presentation you invalidated your employees 18 times with your comments. 

“How did I do that?”

“Here are just three of the ways. 1) You kept saying ‘I hope you all can rise to the challenge’.  ‘I think you can achieve……’ and, ‘I know it’s been a difficult time for many of you because of the uncertainty . . .’

‘What was wrong with any of these, I was just telling the truth?”

Since I am running out of time I’ll just respond to one of these.  ‘I think you can.’

Keep in mind there are five elements in all communication – intention, subtleties, interpretation, emotional state of both and perception.  The intention of the sender, the subtle messages or hidden agendas behind the message, the interpretation of the receiver their (vocabulary, state of mind, the history of the relationship, expectations etc.), the emotional state of both whether grounded in negatives or positives and the perceptual interpretation of the receiver.  For example - if I said he was a young person – what would be your answer, what number would you give me, and do you think everyone’s answer would be the same?  NO, because we all define or describe young individually, personally or uniquely based on our own interpretation).

OK, Tim, I get it but why are you calling these words stupid rather than – wrong, inappropriate, etc?  It’s simple – I used this word to get your attention to attempt to get you to read the article.  If I had titled it “interesting, unique, fun or some other word would you have read it?  Probably not.  See what I mean, I just invalidated you by implying that you needed a certain word in the title to be interested in it.  I’m suggesting subtly that I am or might be smarter than you.  Or, you needed to read this article for some reason. Or – whatever.

Every day I will guarantee that you invalidate another person – customer, child, boss, employee, spouse etc. with your words and probably not even being aware of it but I’ll guarantee this invalidation over time will have a negative impact on the relationship.  I’ll also guarantee that every day someone invalidates you in some way with their words.

Don’t believe me – for the next 24 hours pay attention to the words others use towards you or with you and I’ll bet your answer will be – wow.

None of us are geniuses when it comes to communication.  We all say dumb, inappropriate or hurtful words sooner or later. And we always do so.  But what we can do is pay attention and live with awareness when it comes to what we say.  We can also, let others know when their words were invalidating, hurtful or inappropriate.

Please – I am not referring here to “political correctness” because if we all have to edit what we say according to what society, politics, religion or even conventional wisdom tell us are the do’s and don’ts - sooner or later we won’t even be able to have an opinion about the weather without offending someone.

Be you, share your feelings, be honest but also know that there are several ways to say the same thing that will get your message across but in a validating and respectful way.