The Yes or No dilemma.

The Yes or No dilemma.

Tim Connor

Have you ever said yes and wished you had said no or said no and wished you had said yes? Welcome to the exclusive club with millions of members. Why do we do this – say no when yes is a better answer or yes, when no would serve us best in the short or long term?

Well as the saying goes – it’s complicated. Let me see if in a just a few words I can uncomplicate it a bit.

Why do we say no, when yes would be a better answer?

Is it fear of failure, rejection or losing control of a situation or person? No doesn’t always mean no.  Ever noticed that?  Sometimes we hear no or say no with a totally different hidden agenda.  This happens in business, relationships and all of life.  Can I upgrade to 

First Class?  No. Then someone doesn’t show up for the flight and it happens. Can I have a booth in the restaurant?  No. Then suddenly one miraculously appears available. Do you want to purchase this product?  No. Then in a week they call you and tell you yes. 

This stuff happens every day, millions of times and why? Again, let me repeat - is it fear; of losing control, of what others might think or some other agenda.  I don’t know, I just know that over the years I have said no when I wanted to say or meant yes. I have heard no thousands of times when in a few minutes, days or weeks it was a yes.  So what are we to believe?  What are others to believe about us when we have this same behavior?   

Confusing? Misleading? Yes and yes.

Why do we say yes, when no would be a better answer?

Is it fear of failure, rejection or losing control of a situation or person?  Notice this is the same line from above?

Does yes always mean yes? Of course not. Sometimes when we say yes we haven’t really considered the long even short term consequences of this response.

Someone ever asked you to do something – and you said yes while feeling in your heart that you really wanted to say no? So why did you do it knowing that there might be some regret, disappointment or unnecessary pain connected with your yes?

Was it to avoid hurting someone’s feelings? Obligation? Or some other emotional, financial or physical responsibility?

There is nothing wrong with saying no to others requests when they are not consistent with our values, beliefs, agendas, needs or our personal lifestyle needs. But, for some reason we are often more concerned about other people’s needs than our own.  This doesn’t make sense.  Yes, there are times when we should put other’s needs in front of our own but come on – all the time?

Does no – yours or others - always work out in the long run? Well, it depends on how you choose to interpret no in the long run. We have given no a negative definition.  When someone asks you to do something wrong or against your beliefs or values there is nothing wrong with no and keep in mind everyone interprets the consequences of their decisions and actions uniquely and they will seldom be consistent with your own.

No can, in the long run, end up being a yes for you or for them.  If you have or are raising children you have learned this, sometimes the hard way.  Often a no is far better for everyone than a yes for the wrong reasons.

Does yes always work out in the long run?  Just re-read the above paragraph and give it the opposite meaning. But, let me give you a quick example.

I once said yes to a client in terms of what they asked me to cover in an all day seminar.  From my client research and experience I knew that this is not what I should cover to give them the best value for their investment but I did it anyway.  I came to regret that decision. 

Why did I avoid a no? Well, too long and complicated as an answer but let me just say I was in the early stages of my speaking career and was overly concerned with the client’s acceptance and letting them have control of the relationship. From that point on I have never made that mistake again but this has often required walking away from a relationship with them.

What really determines the outcomes?  Is it just a simple yes or no or is there more to it?  What do you think?

Here’s what I think.

Nothing is certain. No one can accurately predict the outcome of a yes or no response to life.  The days and minutes pass and there are millions of possibilities both negative and positive to all of them so – what’s the answer?

Consider, choose, decide, action, evaluate, learn, accept or change and then begin again.  Sound simple?  Depends.  Every step requires thoughtfulness, maturity and a willingness to grow.

Consider - to think carefully about something.

Choose - to make a deliberate decision to do something.

Decide - come to a conclusion about something.

Action - the process of doing something in order to achieve a purpose.

Evaluate - to consider or examine something in order to judge its value, quality, importance, extent, or condition.

Learn - acquire knowledge of a subject or skill through education or experience.

Accept - to acknowledge a fact or truth and come to terms with it.

Change - become different, or make something or somebody different.

Begin again – to do something that was not being done before.

That’s it folks . . .

“I cannot teach anybody anything, I can only make them think.”

Socrates