The wave effect in relationships

The wave effect in relationships

Tim Connor

No one lives in a bubble. There’s an old staying that says “What happens behind closed doors in relationships stays behind closed doors.”  Well, I beg to differ.

Let me explain.  We all have a variety of relationships; children, spouses, friends, in laws, co workers and a variety of other acquaintances.  When we have conflicts in any of these, the impact of them is felt directly or indirectly in other relationships – some selective and some universal.

All actions and decisions have consequences – some we can control to some degree while others have serious ripple effects – some long term and often immediate or what I am referring here to as the - ‘wave effect’ in relationships.

Think of a wave in the ocean. Once it begins in continues until it or its impact or momentum hits the shore.  But, think for a moment – do you think a single wave is an isolated circumstance or does it have some impact on other surface water either behind it or in front of it?

As a sailor over the years (in small sailboats) I had to learn that not only did I have to study and pay close attention to wind direction and force but I also had to keep a close eye on water movement and force.

If my 36’ sailboat while sailing the open waters was in the wake of a huge freighter or cruise ship - even though it was miles from me, the impact of the waves it created did influence my stability and often speed and direction.

The same is true in life and its actions, decisions and behaviors.

Let’s say you are leaving the house on the way to work and you have an argument or serious negative discussion with a spouse or one of your kids.  Do you really think this won’t in some way have an impact on your attitudes, behavior and responses to work situations?  It doesn’t matter - the situation or the intensity of the words shared before leaving home – they will impact you for a few hours or even a few days and often depending on the nature of the discussion – even years.

Now here’s the real issue when it comes to the wave effect.  Your behavior with your fellow employees or even your customers will be influenced in some way – minor or major.  Take it another step.  Do you think because of your behavior at work that this might have some lingering impact on your continuing relationships with these people?  Yes, it will.

OK, while you are at work you chat with a friend or a relative - again there can be sometimes a subtle and often a major demonstration of your current state of mind in this conversation that will send a message to the other person that will cause them to ask you a simple question – “what’s wrong?”  Or “What’s going on?” Etc.  Your response will typically be, “Nothing” but, the atmosphere during this conversation will have changed slightly and their comment “what’s wrong” will cause you to bring the situation at home back to the surface in your mind. This can be felt by the other person due to your tone, voice volume, hesitancy, pauses or some other verbal or non-verbal expression.

No matter what you think, feel or how you act or decide sooner or later all of this will affect others in your life either directly or indirectly.  You can’t hide who you are - oh - we all try on numerous occasions, but our fears, emotions or beliefs and attitudes will find their way to the surface and impact others in some way.

Here’s the key to ensuring that the wave effect doesn’t have a negative impact on your relationships – you can’t stop it anymore than you can stop a wave.  Yes, you can slightly or temporarily change a wave’s direction, but sooner or later the wave will follow its natural course. And, the same is true of your actions, thoughts and behaviors – you can try and change or influence their impact on others but you can’t control other’s interpretations, emotions, feelings or reactions due to the impact of what is going on inside of you.

Let me leave you with two questions – How is the wave effect impacting those in your life either positively or negatively?  Are you aware of how your fears, attitudes, dreams, thoughts, feelings etc are impacting these people?

“Little happens in a relationship until individuals

learn to trust each other.”

David Johnson