The peril of assumptions

The peril of assumptions

Tim Connor

To assume - to accept that something is true without checking or confirming it.  Ever done it?  Come on . . . you do it every day sometimes consciously and more frequently unconsciously.

When you make any assumption sooner or later you set yourself up for disappointment, frustration, guilt, resentment and even anger – none of which are emotionally healthy and when you feel these emotions you will almost always project them toward others or your circumstances in some way.

Why do we assume?

For starters we want control over many of life’s circumstances and even the people in our lives.  We want things to be the way we want them to be regardless of whether we have the ability or right to these agendas. I’m not talking here about control freaks or narcissists but each of us that feels our needs, desires and objectives are more important to us than others.  If you haven’t figured out this simple life fact I would be surprised – we are all on our own unique life path with varied experiences, life approaches, lessons and goals.  We all want many of the same things like happiness, success and contentment but how we define these and pursue them is unique to each of us.

When we expect others or life to accommodate these personal needs expecting people to put us first in every way we will just set ourselves up for disappointment.

We assume because we want life to always go “our way”.  If you have ever experienced disappointment in any relationship or circumstances I will guarantee it was because you had an expectation (an assumption) that something would or should happen or a person should behave or react according to your plans.

When we assume we usually do this with less than adequate information or knowledge about a situation or person.  The result is that it or they often leave us feeling vulnerable or even a victim and these are mindsets that most people don’t want to experience but they continue to make more and more assumptions.

Think for a moment about an assumption you have made today about or with a person (employee, customer, child, spouse or friend) – what was the outcome if you or the other person didn’t have a clear understanding of your expectation, need or desire?  Confusion? Misunderstanding? 

Disappointment? Conflict?

The single word that defines the issue of assumptions is – should.

-People should be on time.

-People should honor their promises.

-People should always tell the truth.

-People should be polite, understanding or compassionate.

-People should respond to your emails, texts or calls immediately.

This is just as true for circumstances;

-There should never be a traffic back-up when you are in a hurry.

-Planes should always be on time.

-There should never be a line when you want to make a purchase.

-The meal your order in a restaurant should always be perfect.

Am I making myself clear here?  I could give thousands of examples but why not think about some of your continued assumptions (expectations, attitudes, beliefs or mindsets). Stop for a minute and consider a current or pending assumption you have about something or someone.

The consequences of assumptions –

There are very few positives when it comes to making assumptions and the reason is simple – we set ourselves up for disillusionment when we assume that other’s agendas should mirror our own.  But the issue is greater than short term disappointment.  When we constantly have assumptions for others we send a subtle message that their behavior needs to change.  This personal agenda will over time erode the trust and respect in a relationship both of which are vital for enduring positive relationships.

The other long term impact is due to people living with the relentless interior fear that they will never be able to live up to your needs, desires or requirements to make you happy or even content with the state of the relationship.

How to manage your assumptions –

Let me share a few approaches that you can begin to incorporate into your mindsets to better deal with your assumptive approach to life.

-We will never be perfect in the eyes of others – so stop trying.

-Sooner or later we all disappoint others in some way – it is what it is.

-Life happens – we can’t control everything all the time – so accept it.

-Everyone’s reality is based on their perceptual interpretations – you can’t control their interpretations or their reality.

-You’ve heard it – assume – make an ass out of you and me.

-Learn to manage your expectations – they are yours only and do not determine other’s behavior.

-Your emotional state is your responsibility – don’t turn it over to others.

-You can’t please everyone all the time – we all have very personal needs, desires and dreams.

-Avoid the set up – always say what you mean and mean what you say.

-Conflict is normal in every relationship – assumptions contribute to increased conflict so when there is the potential for circumstances not to happen the way you want or expect don’t make a promise you might not be able to keep.

 “You must stick to your convictions, but be ready to abandon your assumptions.”

Dennis Waitley