Life's Basics

Life’s Basics

Tim Connor

Life is not easy, but it doesn’t have to be difficult either – so why the paradox?

There are common reasons why people struggle during their life and then there are the opposite of these traits or attitudes that contribute to people’s inner peace, happiness, success and contentment. What are the most common reasons why people achieve the positive benefits of life regardless of what they face during their years?  There are many, but here are what I believe are the basics.

Patience – Patience is the opposite of the need for control.  It is demonstrated with compassion, understanding and tolerance.  By this I don’t mean to imply that patience is accepting the negatives of what we can control, but knowing that we can’t control everything and others.  Sooner or later we will experience intolerable people and circumstances that send us over the edge, but the answer is to realize that we are always in control of our own reactions and responses unless we allow others or circumstances to control us.

Optimism – There are only two ways to look at life with all its disappointments, frustrations, challenges, problems and failures that we all must deal with and that is to see the good or the bad, the positive or the negative and the blessings or the drama in each experience, experience or outcome. Evidence and medical research has demonstrated for many rears that people who have an optimistic or positive life outlook get sick less, live longer and live happier lives.  And the opposites are true for people who bring pessimism and a negative outlook to the same circumstances.

Faith – Faith is not always easy, if it was we would all experience it all of the time.  But faith is critical when it comes to uncertainty, unknowns and circumstances that push us to our emotional, physical and psychological limits.  Faith is simply a belief that good, better or what God wishes for us and our life and future is coming and that all we need to do is believe that life always happens for His purpose and good and that our role is to trust Him and do the best we can with what He allows.

Courage – There are two types of courage – physical and emotional, but the ingredients in both are the same – confidence, belief, nerve and the will to overcome and not give in or up.  We all need courage at certain times in our life due to – the loss of a loved one, a scary situation, the unexpected change in our career status or just speaking what we believe when we know it might not be accepted or liked by others.

Effort – Nothing is ever achieved without effort whether a beautiful garden, the success of a new business, a relationship that stands the test of time or sticking with an exercise or weight loss program.  No effort will always equal disappointment, unrealized expectations and often failure.  You don’t have to work 24 hours a day at any of these efforts or others, but you do need to bring discipline, consistency and often sweat to the process if you want success or a favorable outcome – nothing good comes to us without effort whether physical, financial, emotional or spiritual.

Responsibility – Responsibility is just the acceptance of outcomes or circumstances that our decisions, actions, thoughts and behaviors have caused.  Failed at something – don’t point your finger at others.  Got a challenge or problem – deal with it.  Don’t like an outcome – learn from it. Life not treating you with fairness – life isn’t always fair. Don’t like the way someone is treating you – walk away.  Don’t like being sick, poor or alone – do something – anything – whatever you can to manage it, overcome it or accept it.

Acceptance – We all know people who are difficult, self-absorbed, controlling, unkind or just not nice.  We all have circumstances that come into our life that we wish we didn’t have to deal with. We have a choice – we can turn our lives over to them or we can take charge and make the best of whatever we face.  Not always easy, but if you want to live a life with peace and happiness you will have to learn to accept what you don’t like or want.

“What we do not understand, we do not possess.”

Goethe

Traveling the yellow brick road

Traveling the yellow brick road

Tim Connor

I am not the Wizard of Oz, just to be clear, however I would like to ask you – are you traveling your path to tomorrow awake, asleep, with passion, with apathy or just not quite sure?

Many years ago when my youngest daughter was only five she knew every word in the entire movie and would often entertain us with her performances.  These were special times with wonderful memories, but I digress.

The Yellow Brick Road had a destination and Dorothy had no clue what that destination looked like, but she kept on the path in spite of her uncertainty and often discouragement. We are all on this road regardless of what you call it or where you are on it.  The question is – are you consistently moving forward toward your destination even though you don’t know what that will look like when you arrive or you are hesitant due to the advice or criticism of others, the fear that you might not be able to handle what you encounter or you lack the confidence and desire to just make the trip no matter how things turn out when you arrive?

For starters we can never know for certain the endings we will experience as life is and 

always be filled with detours, delays and uncertainty. But, this doesn’t imply that we should not continue to pursue our dreams, hopes, desires and plans.  Too many people die with their potential left in them as they failed to pursue the road ahead in fear of what they might encounter.

The Yellow Brick Road is symbolic for me in many ways and not because of the fantasy, but because of the journey we are all on while we are here. Each of us was give a great deal of potential and talent by God and yet too many of us fail to achieve the roles and accomplishments we were destined to complete.  Why is this?  Oh, too many reasons but here are three that I feel many people struggle with.

-The fear of the unknowns –

Everyone, every day faces unknowns of some type – the outcome of a decision, the fact that they can’t control every aspect of life, the future of a relationship, the circumstances of a career choice – this list is endless.  Fear is the fundamental emotion that prevents us from trying, experimenting, desiring, hoping and believing.  If we let it, it will dominate our every choice, action, behavior and emotion.  Far too many people become slaves to the fears of life but keep in mind, these fears are nothing more than emotional choices that each of us make.  Something that one person is afraid of can be a source of passion, adventure and positive action for others.  Yes, fears are common but not everyone responds in the same way to the fearful triggers that life places on our path’s events or in our minds.

We choose fear.  We let fear rule us. We are victims of fear’s agendas and we let fear rule our lives.  Or – we use our fears to get stronger, wiser, more confident and take back control of our lives and our destiny.

-The need for approval or acceptance of others –

As we travel through life hundreds of people cross our path – some for a short time and some for many years.  One of the traits of people who live with anxiety, stress and disappointment are those who seek the approval or acceptance of others.

Having been in front over one million people in my world travels as a speaker I can tell you with certainty there were hundreds of people who didn’t like my message, the way I dressed, the way I talked or the way I part my hair.  Get it – sooner or later not everyone is going to like you and many will not approve of you – your decisions, actions, behavior or your personality.  As long as we seek the approval of others and that drives who we are and how we behave we are certain to over time lose the integrity of who we are.

I learned a long time ago after being in front of hundreds of audiences around the world that it’s more important that I like me than you liking me.  Yes, I am friendly, compassionate, kind and thoughtful, but even possessing these traits are not enough for some people.  Sooner or later you are going to be rejected and not because of whom you are but because of whom they are.  Seeking approval is a waste of time and energy and leads only to a lack of congruence in who you really are and how you behave.

-The lack of a spiritual foundation –

I am not talking about religion here – I don’t care if you are a Catholic, Jew, Muslim or Protestant or never go to church or go several times a week – this is not the issue and I won’t dig here into the benefits or drawbacks of any religious beliefs, what I’m referring to here is simply – are you grounded in a spiritual foundation? Spiritual – divine, devout or you believe there is a higher power that guides, directs, influences or contributes to inner peace and contentment in your life?

As we travel the road into our future I have learned that spiritual people have more positive qualities than negative ones – no they are not perfect but they have the right intentions and agendas.  As you travel the yellow brick road your spiritual leanings will have a tremendous impact on the quality of your life and its circumstances and your responses to them.

“Life is a one way road. You can choose to keep moving forward to new territory. Or you can choose to go in reverse because it is familiar territory, but then you get further away from ever achieving what could be in the future.”

Anonymous

Find wisdom in the silence

Find wisdom in the silence

Tim Connor

We live in a noisy world and it’s getting worse.  Not being negative here -just dealing in reality.  What do I mean by noisy?

When I use the word noisy I am referring to a number of factors that detract us from what really matters in life.

If you look up the meaning of noisy it would imply just loud or boisterous sound(s) but I am taking a broader view here and implying not just the sounds of noise, but the things that distract us or prevent us from finding the benefits of silence or solitude in our life.

Think about it for a moment – what keeps your focus away from what really matters in life – technology, other’s expectations, busy agendas, negative emotions, regret or disappointment, uncertainty, fears about the future, stressful circumstances or just being in a hurry as you go through your days and life?

It is common knowledge that we tend not to learn valuable lessons in life if we don’t take the time to listen to our inner voice or spend time in introspection.  We are born, we keep busy and then we die – is that the purpose of life?  I don’t think so.  Yes, many people give generously of their time, resources, energy and experience to others in need, but the vast majority of people tend to be self-focused on their own problems, needs, wants and life in general.

Mature learning can’t be accomplished in the midst of life’s busyness - we need to spend time in the silence just listening to God, our history, our experience and our dreams and what they are trying to teach us about how to live a life that will be filled with contentment, service, inner peace and joy.

When I talk about silence I am not referring here to isolating yourself for a few hours each day to just sit, listen and wait for answers, but the willingness and ability to take a few minutes periodically during each day prior to major decisions, actions and responses and just quiet your mind by turning off the outside world – cell phone, TV and anything that distracts you from spending a few minutes in the inner silence of introspection and consideration.

There are numerous benefits to routine silence – physically, emotionally and psychologically. Evidence has proven that this simple activity lowers the negative impact of stress, helps you stay focused on what matters and numerous other career, relationship and life benefits.

And then there is the opposite of quiet time and that is letting the outside world with all its chaos, uncertainty, dysfunction and speed of change which is increased stress, anxiety, frustration, disappointment and fear.

Believe me, the consequences of letting your outer world control your inner world is not worth the price – short or long term - you will pay in one way or another. 

The body and the mind need rest.  The mind needs time to chill in order that it can always be a valuable resource for sound decision making, appropriate actions and effective life approaches.  Without this rest you will tend to bring inappropriate behavior to life’s various circumstances and challenges.

Reading, thinking, planning, contemplating and learning are all valuable activities, but they are not included in what I refer to as spending time in silence or quiet time.  Meditation and prayer can be valuable quiet time activities as long as there are no expectations or conscious control while engaged in them.

Try it for a week – spend a few minutes of unplanned silence several times during each day. Turn off the outside world and just listen – no agendas, no control, no actions – just listen.

“An inability to stay quiet is one of the most

conspicuous failings of mankind.”

The myth of the quick fix

The myth of the quick fix

Tim Connor

Why is it that so many people today are in such a hurry to change things, fix things and get nowhere fast?  Seriously, what’s the rush?  No one can know what will happen in the next minute, day or year so why is humanity trying to take total control of the future?

Is it insecurity, fear, arrogance or some other dysfunctional life approach?  I’m not being disrespectful to those of you who feel rushing is just the way life is and to get through it you have to swim with the current, but come on, no one knows how much time they have left and no one and I mean no one will get everything they want, solve every problem to their satisfaction, achieve every goal or do everything they want to do while they are here – it’s just the way life is, always has been and always will be.

I like to achieve, be in control, get things done on my schedule, but life keeps nudging me with this often subtle message – you are not in control of everything and never will be so what’s your rush?

We all - face challenges and problems, have things on our to do lists, need to get decisions made now and solutions to every issue sooner rather than later, but life is a wonderful teacher - so the question is - are we good students or will we spend more time than we want or necessary in detention?

I will guarantee that today something or someone will disappoint you and why?  For starters all disappointment is grounded in expectations and no one can control other’s behavior or most of life’s circumstances.

Yes, we can try, hope, plan, work etc. but in the end life wants us all to learn the lessons that we need to learn and if we don’t pay attention to the subtle urgings life sends us, it will one day hit us over the head with a whack (pay attention, grow, learn – it’s time!)

The quick fix – do it now, fix it now, change it now, solve it now, learn it now, let it go now, go there now – get it – the common denominator is now.  Problem is – now can take a lot longer than this moment, day or even year.  Some lessons take time.  All growth takes time and most of life’s issues can’t be fixed now because they require more than a knee-jerk response to their causes or contributors.

Learning is a process and until we accept that we can’t control all of life’s conditions we will live with frustration, anxiety, fear and a great deal of stress.  And it’s all unnecessary, but tell that to the people who want answers and results now.

We often feel or believe that quick actions and decisions fix things and we can now move on to the next challenge or action, but let me ask you – have you ever thought something was solved and finished and before you knew it, it reared its ugly head once again?  And why is this?  For starters our quick responses, decisions and solutions to issues, needs or wants are often made or taken without adequate knowledge, preparation or conscious awareness of potential consequences. 

We just hope things will turn out right.  Yes, hope is a wonderful life approach, but in the end just hoping will never be enough.  Sooner or later we have to do something that moves us in the right direction and what we do, if we want favorable outcomes or results, must be done with maturity, awareness, consideration of future possibilities and patience.

Traits that many people lack today and why?  Is it the relentless and dramatic increase in available information?  Is it a gradual increase in arrogance or self-righteousness? Or is it something more?

I watch people – drive fast, eat fast, click here for instant answers and solutions spend far too much time playing with their “communication toys” and the result is they are addicted to instant.  Well, I don’t care how fast you’re IPod or I Phone searches – life is not instant and never will be.

And as long as you continue to believe that if you don’t get an answer to your question or information needs in seconds – you will live with frustration which leads to stress which leads to illness which can lead to death.

Is it worth it?  You can’t get everything done today you want to.  You can’t do everything you want in your lifetime.  I’m not suggesting we not have plans, goals, wants, dreams etc., but that as we live the days of our life that we learn to focus on what really matters and that is not having more face book friends, screens filled with links to dozens of websites, participating in endless LinkedIn conversations or trying to convince the world that we are in charge.  You are not and never will be so why not just relax and live your life and what it brings to you as the hours and days pass?

“If matters go badly now, they will not always be so.”  

Horace