Conversations that matter

Conversations that matter

Tim Connor

Avoiding those tough conversations is never easy.  Telling someone you have changed your mind about something. Ending a relationship.  Forgiving someone. Letting go of hurtful feelings or regrets about what was said or not said. Disagreeing when you know it will create conflict. Sharing intimate secrets that you have avoided.  Out and out lying about anything for any reason.  I could go on as I’m sure you have either been on the receiving end or the one sending the message.

Why do we avoid these conversations?  And believe me; you can’t effectively have them via email or texting.

Are we so insecure or in need of other people’s approval or acceptance or is it because we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings?  Is it because we can’t handle conflict or is our self-esteem so low that we have to hide the difficult stuff?  I don’t know what your rationales are but I can tell you mine.  And maybe, just maybe there may be some similarities.

But before I begin just a quick word about PC (political correctness).  Integrity based communication today is getting extremely difficult because it’s getting the point that we can’t say anything to anyone without the fear of hurting their feelings, offending them or just giving them an excuse to reply with verbal anger, vengeance or revenge.

What exactly is political correctness, anyway? Well the dictionary tells us - relating to or supporting the use of language or conduct that deliberately avoids giving offense, e.g. on the basis of ethnic origin or sexual orientation.  Personally having traveled the world I can tell you I have offended many people and have been offended on numerous occasions either out of denial or unawareness.  My intent and I’m confident that their intent was never to offend but different cultures take things in unique ways. Think about it if you were born and raised in the north I’ll bet that sooner or later you have said something that has irked a southerner. I know I have.

If you are a boomer I’m sure you have said something that annoyed a 20 year old.  And I’m sure if you are a teen you have upset an old codger.

OK, on to conversations and why we avoid the difficult subjects with friends, family or even total strangers.

It’s never easy to share feelings or even truth from our perspective when we are not sure how others will react to us and what we share and how.  Everyone has unique perspectives, expectations and how much truth or reality they can handle but in the end when we avoid sharing what we believe, how we feel or what we want or need to share we set up relationships for greater confusion, disappointment, anxiety or continued and even increased pain and uncertainty.

Most of us feel or believe our opinions or perspective are right or correct and when we hear messages that contradict or are in conflict with these our first reactions are usually resistance or often even anger but in the end it’s not about good or bad, right or wrong but the ability and willingness to share our personal beliefs, opinions, feelings or whatever is on our mind when it comes to the need for letting go of emotional pain due to past conflicts, disagreements or just misunderstandings or assumptions.

None of these contribute to honestly interpreted communication.  When we judge, assume or guess how someone else will respond or why they are saying what they are, doing what they are or not doing or saying we set ourselves up for negative responses, feelings and even actions that may not be appropriate.

In the end the best solution to all conflict, disagreements, uncertainty or unknown potential reactions is to open up, converse, share and just talk about what you are feeling, experiencing or desiring.  Unfortunately far too often most people hold back, keep quiet or just hope things will improve without positive action on their part.  Yes, sometimes time can heal but more often than not it takes initiative on the part of someone to open the door to addressing issues that can if avoided only worsen a relationship over time.

Avoiding a discussion or conversation with someone?  Why?

“Know how to listen, and you will profit even from

those who talk badly.”

Plutarch

Struggle Is Normal

Struggle is normal

Tim Connor

You might think the title of this article is negative or at a minimum out of touch or even stupid.  Well, you may be right but I have not met anyone in my life that hasn’t experienced struggle at some point in their life so from my perspective that makes it normal.  Desired?  No. Hard to handle or overcome?  Yes. Necessary?  It depends.  But normal – read on.

Struggle - a great effort made over a period of time to overcome difficulties or achieve something.

Mine – Opportunities to grow, learn, gain wisdom, change or redefine some aspect of life.

You may not like my definition but consider – when something comes into your life that you didn’t expect or don’t want you always have a choice – you can whine, complain, resist, deny or you can say thank you for the opportunity to gain a new perspective, mature, let go of mindsets that are counterproductive or just accept life as it is and deal with it.

It is not my intent to belittle people who deal with horrific circumstances that they don’t deserve – chaos due to the ravages of nature, death due to the evil of other people or bad timing or something as common as someone stealing your identity but the truth is all of these happen every day to millions of people around the world.

What matters in the end is not the event or circumstance but your reaction or response to it and how it impacts the remainder of your life.

It is impossible to discuss the topic of struggle without bringing God into the discussion.  During the past few years I have read over 100 books dealing with struggle and why does God allow it in our lives.  I am not going to try and validate, defend or deny any of the philosophies I have learned but rather just give you my perspective.  However, if you are not a believer in God I’m confident you will stop reading here – your choice – not being open to new insights, perspectives or views regardless of their source or validity or even truth.

God doesn’t cause disaster, murder or any destructive activity.  Many would argue then if 

He is a Loving God why does He allow it?  It’s called – nature, choices, free will, providence, chance or destiny.  We all have choices – good, bad, smart or stupid and the simple truth is that all choices and actions have consequences.  So, you might ask, was it just fate that someone died in a plane crash, flood or random act of violence?

Fate and luck are simply ways of looking at or interpreting life.  They are human choices not God actions regardless of your opinion or attitudes.

Struggle is a normal part of every life whether; health, relationship, business, career or financial in nature.  God isn’t picking on some people and giving special benefits to others.  Struggle comes sooner or later into every life – yes some struggles are more devastating than others but in the end regardless of their nature we always have a choice – accept them or fight them, learn from them or remain stuck, grow or behave as a victim but in the end everyone’s personal outcome is in their hands and not fate, luck or God’s agendas.

You can take issue with this perspective, that is your right but I’ll leave you with a question – if you are living in blame, resistance or denial mode – how is that working for you as you live your life one day after another?

“The important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle.”

Pierre de Coubertin

To Read Or Not To Read - That Is The Question

To read or not to read – that is the question

Tim Connor

I can’t tell you how many people have said to me over the years, “I don’t read.  I don’t have the time.  I don’t like to read. Or, I have better things to do.”

Give me break will you!

No offense intended but people who don’t read are missing a great deal in life and are short changing their ability to realize their dreams, desires or goals.

I know, I know – you are too busy, have too much on your plate, are too tired - - - blah, blah, blah. Again no offense intended but if you are not reading every day – even for only a few minutes – and I’m not talking about the newspaper, a fashion or sports magazine or the latest adventure novel, you are missing out on a valuable opportunity.  I love to read and half of what I read (2 books a week) are fiction so I’m not being critical of folks who read novels but what I’m asking here is how much time do you spend reading books that can accelerate your journey towards success, happiness, wealth or just peace of mind?

One a week?  One a month?  One a year?  Or one in a lifetime?

Please keep in mind that my focus here is not on selling my books but to ask you to ask yourself – what are you missing in life because you are not open or receptive to other people’s wisdom, experience, guidance or the lessons they have learned on their life journey?

During my life so far I have read over 4000 books and I have put together a listing of my top 100 favorites that I offer to all my audiences.  Guess how many people ask me to send 

them this list. 10%, 50%, 100%? Not even close it’s generally 2-3% and none of the books on the list are by me.

What have you read in the last thirty days?  Twelve months?  How did it help you?  Was it worth the price?  Are you glad you read it?

I’ll give you two quotes from two of my mentors who have both passed away.

“If you could invest $20 on a book and learn everything in 200 pages that it took a successful person over forty years to learn and they shared in these 200 pages would you spend the money?”  Jim Rohn.

“Five years from today you will be the same person you are today except for the people you meet and the books you read.” Charlie “Tremendous” Jones.

Why read -

The average person spends 15-20 hours a week in front of the TV watching news, sports or other shows and the purpose is?  Entertainment, keeping up with the world or just to sit there in a stupor chilling out after a busy day.  I have no problem with this but consider – that’s over 1000 hours a year.  Imagine if you spent 10% of this time reading stuff that could make you happier, more successful or even wealthier?  This my friends is a “no-brainer”.  If you want a better life in the future in any way, you have to keep learning and growing and one of the easiest, least expensive and fastest ways to do this is to learn from other people’s experience, wisdom or guidance with what they have shared in writing.

Did you know that the average person reads one book a year and that’s usually fiction or a love story?  Did you know that only 5% of the American population invests in personal and career development materials?

Scary, when you think about how many people struggle every day with challenges, problems, failure, stress, depression, fear, mistakes and anxiety and many of these could be overcome or handled successfully if they would just spend thirty minutes a day reading.

What to read –

The average bookstore has over 5000 titles on display many of which are there to help you in every area of your life.  As an author and avid reader I won’t say that they are all good, excellent or even worth the price but you never know where an idea, insight or lesson can come form but one thing is certain – if you don’t expose yourself to it you can’t learn it.

If you can’t afford a couple of hundred bucks a year on books hello – ever heard of a library?  Come to think about it, the average person spends over $200 month on eating out and what do you have to show for it 24 hours later? I know – this is not a pretty picture but if you spent $20 a month on one book what would you have to show for that?  Maybe you could afford better restaurants.

What to read? Read anything that helps you better understand your past, present or future and to live with more wisdom.

How to read –

This one is simple.  Buy a highlighter and as you read highlight those sentences, ideas, words or concepts that strike you as interesting, controversial, motivation or thought provoking.  Then when you finish the book transfer these ideas to your reading journal.

When to read –

This one is even simpler – read something every day for at least 15 – 20 minutes or an hour if you can find the time. Every minute you spend reading you improve your – vocabulary, ability to communicate, understanding, wisdom, your ability to focus and concentrate and one other rather important one – the medical profession over the years have found that mental diseases are less in readers than non-readers.

“The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage

over the man who can’t read them.” 

Mark Twain

The Ten Ten Ten One Hundred Decision Process

The 10-10-10-100

Decision Process

Tim Connor

Ever made a decision that in hindsight you wish you hadn’t made or had made it differently?  Welcome to life.  We all do this numerous times in life as the future and the consequences of any decision are not a certainty.

No decision whether a relationship, financial or career one comes with guarantees that they will work out as we want, need or hope.

Please keep in mind that just because you make a decision means nothing.  What matters are the actions you take as a result of a decision.  But in this article I want to focus on the decision process and not the actions you take or their outcomes although both of these are critical when it comes to what decision you ultimately make.

Decision - something that somebody chooses or makes up his or her mind about, after considering it and other possible choices.

What to consider when making a decision –

There are numerous factors we consider when we choose to decide, things like – short or long term consequences, the pain connected with dealing with these consequences, fear of making the wrong decision, the impact of our decision on others, making decisions when under stress – just to mention a few of the common or obvious ones.

What should really drive the decisions we make?

-Can you live with the potential outcomes?

-Do you need more or better information before making a decision?

-Is a decision really the best tactic at the time?

-Do you have the courage to make a decision and then follow-through?

-Do you really have confidence in your decision?

-Are you making the decision for the best reasons?

-Are there other factors that are impacting our decision like; guilt, anger, regret, arrogance, ego needs, other people’s control over us or uncertainty?

-Are you making the decision based on pressure from others?

Why we decide the way we do –

Everyone wants favorable outcomes to their decisions unfortunately we can’t control all of the factors involved in the unfolding of any decision.  There will always be unknowns that we either didn’t prepare for or anticipate.  Any decision comes with obstacles – some small and some major but in the end the ability to ensure the best possible results requires the ability to manage the obstacles and commit to the decision regardless of the roadblocks along the way.

In the end we decide what we hope, believe or feel are in our best interests.  Yes, we may consider the impact on others but most decisions are made for self serving reasons.

Why we avoid decisions –

There’s an old saying that says - failing to make a decision is a decision.  How true. The major reason we avoid any decision is the fear of unknown future circumstances as a result of our decision and action.  We want favorable outcomes but since we can’t ensure these they may cause us to delay, procrastinate or hope for the best without a decision.

The 10- 10 – 10 – 100 process –

This process is simple – First 10 – what could happen within the next ten minutes as a result of a decision? Second 10 – what could happen within the next ten days?  Third ten – what could happen within the next ten months?  And 100 – one hundred years from now - what difference would any decision really make?

When you have to decide – anything - consider this simple formula and then ask yourself – can I handle whatever could take place within these time frames?  If yes – go for it.  If no – spend time in contemplation with the elements above.

“When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.” 

Lord Falkland