Find wisdom in the silence

Find wisdom in the silence

Tim Connor

We live in a noisy world and it’s getting worse.  Not being negative here -just dealing in reality.  What do I mean by noisy?

When I use the word noisy I am referring to a number of factors that detract us from what really matters in life.

If you look up the meaning of noisy it would imply just loud or boisterous sound(s) but I am taking a broader view here and implying not just the sounds of noise, but the things that distract us or prevent us from finding the benefits of silence or solitude in our life.

Think about it for a moment – what keeps your focus away from what really matters in life – technology, other’s expectations, busy agendas, negative emotions, regret or disappointment, uncertainty, fears about the future, stressful circumstances or just being in a hurry as you go through your days and life?

It is common knowledge that we tend not to learn valuable lessons in life if we don’t take the time to listen to our inner voice or spend time in introspection.  We are born, we keep busy and then we die – is that the purpose of life?  I don’t think so.  Yes, many people give generously of their time, resources, energy and experience to others in need, but the vast majority of people tend to be self-focused on their own problems, needs, wants and life in general.

Mature learning can’t be accomplished in the midst of life’s busyness - we need to spend time in the silence just listening to God, our history, our experience and our dreams and what they are trying to teach us about how to live a life that will be filled with contentment, service, inner peace and joy.

When I talk about silence I am not referring here to isolating yourself for a few hours each day to just sit, listen and wait for answers, but the willingness and ability to take a few minutes periodically during each day prior to major decisions, actions and responses and just quiet your mind by turning off the outside world – cell phone, TV and anything that distracts you from spending a few minutes in the inner silence of introspection and consideration.

There are numerous benefits to routine silence – physically, emotionally and psychologically. Evidence has proven that this simple activity lowers the negative impact of stress, helps you stay focused on what matters and numerous other career, relationship and life benefits.

And then there is the opposite of quiet time and that is letting the outside world with all its chaos, uncertainty, dysfunction and speed of change which is increased stress, anxiety, frustration, disappointment and fear.

Believe me, the consequences of letting your outer world control your inner world is not worth the price – short or long term - you will pay in one way or another. 

The body and the mind need rest.  The mind needs time to chill in order that it can always be a valuable resource for sound decision making, appropriate actions and effective life approaches.  Without this rest you will tend to bring inappropriate behavior to life’s various circumstances and challenges.

Reading, thinking, planning, contemplating and learning are all valuable activities, but they are not included in what I refer to as spending time in silence or quiet time.  Meditation and prayer can be valuable quiet time activities as long as there are no expectations or conscious control while engaged in them.

Try it for a week – spend a few minutes of unplanned silence several times during each day. Turn off the outside world and just listen – no agendas, no control, no actions – just listen.

“An inability to stay quiet is one of the most

conspicuous failings of mankind.”

The myth of the quick fix

The myth of the quick fix

Tim Connor

Why is it that so many people today are in such a hurry to change things, fix things and get nowhere fast?  Seriously, what’s the rush?  No one can know what will happen in the next minute, day or year so why is humanity trying to take total control of the future?

Is it insecurity, fear, arrogance or some other dysfunctional life approach?  I’m not being disrespectful to those of you who feel rushing is just the way life is and to get through it you have to swim with the current, but come on, no one knows how much time they have left and no one and I mean no one will get everything they want, solve every problem to their satisfaction, achieve every goal or do everything they want to do while they are here – it’s just the way life is, always has been and always will be.

I like to achieve, be in control, get things done on my schedule, but life keeps nudging me with this often subtle message – you are not in control of everything and never will be so what’s your rush?

We all - face challenges and problems, have things on our to do lists, need to get decisions made now and solutions to every issue sooner rather than later, but life is a wonderful teacher - so the question is - are we good students or will we spend more time than we want or necessary in detention?

I will guarantee that today something or someone will disappoint you and why?  For starters all disappointment is grounded in expectations and no one can control other’s behavior or most of life’s circumstances.

Yes, we can try, hope, plan, work etc. but in the end life wants us all to learn the lessons that we need to learn and if we don’t pay attention to the subtle urgings life sends us, it will one day hit us over the head with a whack (pay attention, grow, learn – it’s time!)

The quick fix – do it now, fix it now, change it now, solve it now, learn it now, let it go now, go there now – get it – the common denominator is now.  Problem is – now can take a lot longer than this moment, day or even year.  Some lessons take time.  All growth takes time and most of life’s issues can’t be fixed now because they require more than a knee-jerk response to their causes or contributors.

Learning is a process and until we accept that we can’t control all of life’s conditions we will live with frustration, anxiety, fear and a great deal of stress.  And it’s all unnecessary, but tell that to the people who want answers and results now.

We often feel or believe that quick actions and decisions fix things and we can now move on to the next challenge or action, but let me ask you – have you ever thought something was solved and finished and before you knew it, it reared its ugly head once again?  And why is this?  For starters our quick responses, decisions and solutions to issues, needs or wants are often made or taken without adequate knowledge, preparation or conscious awareness of potential consequences. 

We just hope things will turn out right.  Yes, hope is a wonderful life approach, but in the end just hoping will never be enough.  Sooner or later we have to do something that moves us in the right direction and what we do, if we want favorable outcomes or results, must be done with maturity, awareness, consideration of future possibilities and patience.

Traits that many people lack today and why?  Is it the relentless and dramatic increase in available information?  Is it a gradual increase in arrogance or self-righteousness? Or is it something more?

I watch people – drive fast, eat fast, click here for instant answers and solutions spend far too much time playing with their “communication toys” and the result is they are addicted to instant.  Well, I don’t care how fast you’re IPod or I Phone searches – life is not instant and never will be.

And as long as you continue to believe that if you don’t get an answer to your question or information needs in seconds – you will live with frustration which leads to stress which leads to illness which can lead to death.

Is it worth it?  You can’t get everything done today you want to.  You can’t do everything you want in your lifetime.  I’m not suggesting we not have plans, goals, wants, dreams etc., but that as we live the days of our life that we learn to focus on what really matters and that is not having more face book friends, screens filled with links to dozens of websites, participating in endless LinkedIn conversations or trying to convince the world that we are in charge.  You are not and never will be so why not just relax and live your life and what it brings to you as the hours and days pass?

“If matters go badly now, they will not always be so.”  

Horace

Are you making a difference

Are You Making a Difference?

Tim Connor

Everyone can make a positive difference in the world and you don’t have to be famous, wealthy or the smartest person in the room.  Every day each of us touches the lives of others; friends, family, co-workers, customers and total strangers. Have you ever considered how many people in life you interact with each day in some way?  The question is do you have a positive or negative impact on the people whose lives you touch?

What does it mean to make a difference?

Everyone sooner or later struggles with challenges, problems, disappointment, discouragement, failure and loneliness whether a resident in the local nursing home, a server in your local restaurant or just someone you pass on the street.  Everyone at some point in their life needs words of encouragement, validation, support and even just a friendly hello or smile.

Making a difference is using your experience, knowledge, personality, resources, energy or compassion and understanding to help a fellow traveler who crosses your path with acknowledgement, friendship, a listening ear or some words of encouragement.

None of us wants to go through life alone without the closeness of someone we care about or who we hope cares about us or even appreciates us.

Why make a difference?

We are all here for a short time and we can leave behind so much or so little – the choice is ours each moment of each day – will we and how will we make a difference?.  How do you want to be remembered?  As a person who cared or was self-absorbed?  A person of kindness or apathy?  A person of inclusion or exclusion?  Know someone who is so self-focused that they are totally unaware of the pain, grief, sadness or loneliness someone close to them is experiencing?  Know someone who just ignores the needs, hopes and dreams of others?  Know someone who spends time and money only on themselves?

Each of us can leave behind a better world even if only in our family or community, but making a difference often requires just simple acts of kindness from time to time – from holding a door open for someone, letting them merge into traffic or just letting them share their fears, hopes or dreams with you without your judgment.

How can we make a difference? There are many ways, but if you will implement any of the following they will go a long way in help someone go through a difficult time in their life.  Yes, there are others, but I feel these are the vital ones.  They are not in any special order.

Words of encouragement – Words of encouragement are simply an expression of awareness, consideration and compassion.  They are shared without any agenda.  Their only purpose is to help people overcome a sense of loss of hope, despair or discouragement.

Acknowledgement – Acknowledgement is just awareness and acceptance that someone is facing a difficult time or challenge.

Friendliness – We all need a network of friends, people who are there for us in times of need who bring no expectations or personal gains to the relationship.  They are just there for us when we need them.

Compassion – a feeling of sympathy for someone, who is in a bad situation, because you understand and care about them.

Understanding – Understanding is a non-judgmental approach to any situation whether you agree with it or not or like it or not.  It is a time of acceptance without the need to influence the other person.

Validation – Validation is when you contribute to another person’s sense of value.  This is done by a variety of techniques like; listening, being on time, honoring promises and commitments and not bringing the person down in an emotional way.

Support – Support can take many forms including - emotional, psychological, financial and physical.  Support systems are a necessary aspect when a person is facing negative circumstances and needs an individual or group of people who believe in them and want to help them in some way.

Courtesy – Courtesy is the act of getting out from behind yourself and not feeling the world revolves around you and all that matters are your needs, agendas or desires.

Charity – This one is simple. You are either a generous person to those in need regardless of their circumstances or you tend to be on the selfish side of life when it comes to giving – your time, your energy, your experience or your resources.

Kindness – Kindness is a fundamental in all successful human relationships. You are either a kind person and not selectively with certain people, but with anyone who crosses your path. It can include manners, guidance, and any of the above.

And oh so much more if we will only just stop now and then, get outside of ourselves and express our humanity and love in an appropriate way to those who would benefit from it.

“The most exquisite pleasure is giving pleasure to others.”

La Bruyere

Seeing Beyond The Fog

Seeing beyond the fog

Tim Connor

Ever found yourself traveling a highway and suddenly the fog overtakes you?  You turn on your lights and bounce back and forth between the low and high beam trying to see what lies ahead, but no matter what you do you are lucky if you can see your dashboard.

So, what can you do?  Slow down? Pull off the road and wait? Or find another route or direction? When you think about it - the fog is now in control of your life and you have few options other than just accept what is on the road ahead or take an appropriate action that will ensure you don’t have an accident or get really lost.

In many ways people often face a fog in their life struggling to see and even know what lies ahead, but in the end there are few options at least ones you are not happy about.  Been there? Wondering what to do or even how did I end up in this fog?

Fog is a trait of nature and there is little if anything we can do when nature decides to act in some way, be it a hurricane, flood or any other circumstance that we can ride out hoping we survive or emerge with our stuff and life intact.

But the fog of life, now there is the contradiction.  I like to refer to life’s fogs as nothing more than times in our life when we are unsure of actions to take, reasons for these circumstances or to find the learning as we struggle to overcome its many negative qualities.

There are many types of fog that plague us as we travel life’s paths; financial, relationship, health, career or business.  But the interesting fact is that regardless of the type of fog you may be facing there are many common denominators in all of them, ones that we can’t often predict or even prepare for, but in the end the key to each of them is to learn to act in a mature and appropriate way, take responsibility for our behaviors and attitudes and learn what we can while going through the fog with the purpose of better managing the future fog events or circumstances we are sure to face.

So, what are a few of the common causes of life’s fog experiences?

In no particular order they can be; poor decisions, emotional immaturity, the inability to deal in reality, self-absorption, self-righteousness, denial, arrogance, an ego that is out of control, a lack of trust or impatience which is a close relative of our need for control.

Let’s look back to your options when in a real fog of nature and relate them to life’s fogs;

Slow down – We are living in a time when most people seem to be in a rush to somewhere, anywhere and they believe that everyone and everything should honor their agenda and either get out of the way or accept the fact that my mission, tasks, desires etc. are the most important thing in my world and yes, your world too. Slowing down does not mean you lose passion, purpose or a sense of mission, but that you are willing to accept that there are simply some things in life we can’t control; a rainy day on your day off, traffic jam as you head to an important meeting or someone who doesn’t return a call or an email according to your schedule.  Slowing down will often give you an entirely new perspective on a challenge, problem or situation that you might have missed as you speed toward your destination.

Slowing down does not mean you give up control of what you can control, but that you are willing to give up control to those circumstances or people that you have no control over.

And why would you want to slow down?  Dah – it’s called stress and unmanaged stress will kill you.  Got your attention?

Slowing down ultimately helps you respect and live life more fully and with greater peace and happiness and even success.

Pull of the road and wait – When fog hits an area it usually lasts for several hours.  If you are on your way to work or on vacation do you really want to sit by the side of the road waiting for this period of time until the fog clears?  I doubt it.  When a circumstance comes into your life is waiting the best option?  Yes, no and it depends.  Yes – You can’t push the river, you can’t rush the hours of the day and you can’t know what lies ahead so waiting often is a strategy that makes sense, but only if you have seriously considered the consequences both positive and negative of waiting. No – sometimes while waiting things can get worse that might have been prevented if you had taken action – weather a health, relationship or financial step.  The steps we take have no guarantees that they will always lead to our desired destination, but sometimes doing something is better than doing nothing – the challenge here is to do the right things in the right ways, for the right reasons and at the right times – not always easy. It depends – OK, combine the above two explanations and see if you can come up with your own answer to this one.

Find another direction – Life ahead has many paths, detours, outcomes and potential destinations and none of us can ever and I mean ever, know how any decision, action or choice will turn out, but life often nudges us to move in a new way or in a new direction without giving us the certainty of knowing the outcome.  Been there?  In looking back over your life wish you had done something different?  Not done something you did?

This is life – with all its adventure, uncertainty and possibilities, but unless we act we can never know how something might have turned out.  What does this step take?  Trust?  Yes.  Faith?  Yes. Courage?  Yes. Confidence?  Yes. Hope?  Yes.

“Quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened  but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like  a clock during a thunderstorm.”

Robert L Stephenson