Brokenness - a blessing or a curse?

Brokenness- a blessing or a curse?

Tim Connor

Have you ever experienced brokenness? Not sure how to define brokenness? Doing whatever you can to avoid being broken?  Just to be clear - I’m not referring here to your broken toilet, car or computer – I’m talking about your spirit, your relationships, your career or even your life. If you don’t like where you think this article is headed do yourself a favor and go back to your – whatever, but if you have ever experienced brokenness of any kind, my hope is to help you grow from it, learn from it and pass through it with dignity, courage, faith and yes even speed if that is possible.

So, first – what is brokenness?

From my perspective and trust me I have been broken several times during my life (if that admission causes you to stop reading – believe me that doesn’t surprise me – I’ve watched a lot of people walk out of my life because they found out I wasn’t perfect) – where was I - OH, brokenness can be defined differently by everyone who has experienced being broken.  Some would say it’s devastating, others lonely, still others painful and uncertain and many – not what I expected or what I feel I deserved in life. 

So, what is it – well from my perspective it’s when life doesn’t give you what you planned for, hoped for or desired when it comes to your goals, expectations, desires or dreams?  It is when some aspect of life falls apart in some way – financially, in your health, your career or an important relationship. It’s when you feel you have nowhere to turn for help, guidance, support or even someone who will just listen and care.

Why does life break us or try to break us every now and then?

Life is not the enemy.  It isn’t out to get us, destroy us or makes fail or experience pain.  But life is.  In other words, life contains a wide variety of potential positives and negatives and it does not discriminate or pick on any particular individual or group.  Oh, please don’t start going into all of the stuff that humanity has done wrong over the centuries – I get it - but that’s not the intent of this article – I don’t care if you are female or male, old or young white or black, Christian or Jew, rich or poor, ugly or good looking or any other group that has been persecuted in the past.

The first thing we all must do is decide how we choose to define these two concepts.  How do you define negative?  How do you define positive?  Once you have this out of the way you will have your first clue as to what brokenness is and, in your life, now or has been in the past.

Life is not picking on anyone but there are consequences to all actions, choices, decisions, attitudes and behaviors and these are nothing more than the natural ebb and flow of life as it unfolds.  Do or say something stupid and sooner or later you may have to pay a price.

What can be the causes or contributors of brokenness?

As I said above there can be literally thousands of contributors to brokenness, but I have learned there are a few common denominators. Here are just a few. Arrogance, out of control egos, stubbornness, uncontrolled anger, hate or any other destructive and ill-placed emotions.  Impatience and the need for control can also contribute to certain areas of brokenness.  And let’s not forget narcissism, selfishness, and just plain stupidity.

How do these contribute to a broken life is some way? Here’s just one example.

A personality-driven by self-orientation, ego, and narcissism over time can drive people away from you in life.  If this behavior continues - one day you may wake up and realize that you are alone without friends who care, family who wants to be around you and even strangers who turn their back on you. And the consequences – well it depends on how you react to traveling through life completely alone – for many this can be a devastating life position. There are literally thousands if not millions of ways that each of us responds to life stuff and decide whether we are going to let it break us or build us up.

What can we do while in the middle of brokenness?

This too is a choice – we can grow or withdraw, we can learn, or we can blame, we can get wiser or we can retreat, we can reach out to others or we can isolate ourselves even more.  

The response often will come back to your definition of positive and negative.  I can hear some of you now – how can something obviously negative be positive?  OK, can being broke (obviously negative) be positive? Can divorce (obviously negative) be positive? Can a heart attack (again obviously negative be positive)?  Well, friends, I’ve been through all three and my answer is – yes, they can be positive if I chose to define them that way.  I can hear even more of you “are you crazy?” Well, if seeing these as opportunities to get smarter, wiser, better, etc. then yes, I am crazy.

What can we learn from times of brokenness?

Let me close with a couple of simple ideas if you are in brokenness now or want to handle it if and when it comes into your life in the future.

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      How you choose to define broken says a great deal about how you will experience what has come into your life.

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      How you let broken define you will determine how long you stay broken and how well and fast you recover.

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      Going through anything in life alone is stupid.  Find someone who cares and reach out to them and share, learn from them and don’t hide your pain.

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     Keep the negative idiots out of your circle and out of your life if necessary.  The last thing you need is more people pointing fingers at you, blaming you or not helping you learn something from your circumstances.

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     Learn to be there for others when they are in need.

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    You have been broken for a reason – discover it so you can learn from it.

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    Read, Read, Read – as much as you can to learn as much as you can.

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    Accept surrender as a positive approach rather than negative.

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    All brokenness happens for a reason whether it’s timing, details or circumstances.

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    And finally – broken does not equal; stupid, failure, or denial but it can be related to these and other attitudes, choices, and decisions.

Take your Life Score Quiz Today

Your Life Score©

Every year in July I take my “Life Score Quiz” to see how I am doing – improving, getting worse etc. Thought I would share it with you this year.  Feel free to share it with friends, family, co-workers or anyone you feel might benefit from it.  PS: it is Copyrighted material so I am giving you permission to use it not sell it, or take credit for it etc.

Why not give yourself a current life score rating on the following major

life areas. (1 = Sucks - - - 10 = Perfect).

Health:                    _____

Fun:                         _____

Career:                   _____

Social:                    _____

Finance:                _____

Relationships:     _____

Spiritual:              _____

Family:                _____

Wisdom:            _____

Physical             _____

Your Total Score: _______

Rating scale:

90-100 – Are you really that good?

70-90 – Looks like you have some work to do.

50-70 – It’s never too late to change or begin again.

Below 50 – Are you really that bad?

Copyright: Tim Connor, Global Speaker & Trainer

Good days or bad days . . . and a lot in breween.

Good days or bad days . . . . and a lot in between!

Tim Connor

Ever had a bad day . . . a good one?  Had more bad ones than good ones in a week or month?  Had more good ones in a year than you feel you deserved?  Dumb questions? Well, trust me I have a lot more, but I’ll save them for another time but let me ask you two more . . . How do you define good and bad? And, in the end, which ones helped you grow, learn, become or contribute more to others?  More dumb questions? I don’t think so but I’m writing this article so the real answers are up to you, but I would ask you to finish reading before you decide on your answers.  So here goes.

What’s a good day?

So, today - you got a raise, didn’t get a flat tire, had lunch with friends, had a wonderful date night with your spouse, got a text from your Doc. and he said you have a clean bill of health and the good stuff just kept on coming – all in all – a good day.

What’s a bad day? You got bad news from your dentist, the AC in your car crashed, you lost your favorite – whatever – your kids got in trouble in school and yes, so much more.

So, let me ask you - who or what is in charge or in control of your day – you or the stuff that happens during the day?  In other words, when good stuff happens you have a good day and when bad stuff happens, well it’s a bad day.  See where I’m going with this.  If the stuff that happens determines whether your day is a good one or a bad one – you are not in control of your day – your day (the stuff that happens) is in control of you.

Here’s the bigger problem – the same could be said of weeks, months or even years. Are you having a good year or a bad one? Are you having a good life or a bad one?  I mean I could go on and on with this crap but I’m sure you have got it by now.  All I’m asking is as you go through life, no matter how long or short it is or what happens or what doesn’t or what you get or what you lose, etc. – who or what is in control?

My observations over the years having spoken on 25 countries and met thousands of people around the world is simply that the majority of people are not in control of their days, oh if you asked them all, they think they are and would say they are, but watch how they react or respond to the stuff that happens throughout the day or week, etc. and then ask yourself the simple question – who or what do you think is in control of their life? A better question is which is in control of your days/life?

Here’s a thought – stop labeling your days as good or bad, just be glad you got another one cause do you know how many people die every day in this world – well it's over 150,000 - you weren’t one of them today so – today is a good day?

Here’s another thought – generally we learn little from the good days or good stuff that happens on what we call good days.  It’s the perceived bad days, events, situations, people or circumstances that we call or define as bad that often give us the greatest opportunities for faster growth, new learning, new creative ideas or solutions, and overall increased wisdom.  So, consider that the bad days, in the end, might actually be better than the good days – what an amazing concept – but you might want to keep it to yourself as sharing it with others – well, they might think you have gone off the deep end.

Everything in life is a choice . . .

Everything in life is a choice.

Tim Connor

Made any decisions today? Had to make some difficult choices today?  Come on . . . we all make dozens of choices and decisions every day (X) 365 days so - that’s thousands of choices every year.  Do they all matter? Are they all insignificant? Are they all life-changing or life-threatening? And just a few more quick questions – why do we make them, what are the contributors, what are some of the consequences, would we like some do-overs if we could have them? 

Oh, so many tough yet often seemingly insignificant life questions.  Ever spent time, I mean a lot of time, considering or re-evaluating previous decisions or choices?  Ever spent too much time choosing, wondering or even stuck on what you should or shouldn’t do and why or why not?  Ever wish you had?

OK, Tim, enough with the questions – what’s your point?

Finally, I have your attention.

Everything in life is a choice.  Yes, some outcomes or circumstances are the results of indirect choices while others the consequence of direct ones.  What’s the difference – keep reading I’ll explain.

There are three elements to all choices regardless of whether it’s what you are ordering for lunch at your favorite restaurant or who you should marry, or should you take this job offer or not, etc.  Every day we make a lot of choices some conscious and most without conscious awareness.

Here are the three elements – First) Rating the decision or choice in terms of pressure, timeliness, needed action or is procrastination and is waiting acceptable. Second) Do I have other options or am I stuck with just this one choice? Third) Do I know either the short- or long-term consequences or outcomes if and when I make a certain choice?

Yes, there are many more things to consider when choosing, but generally, these three are the critical ones that need and yes deserve adequate attention and consideration.  Now consider for a moment the unconscious or what I refer to as automatic choices.  These are often simple things that happen all day every day. How you get dressed, what you wear, how you drive to work, how you greet strangers, having another cigarette or glass of wine, checking your emails a hundred times a day, etc.  These just happen and you generally don’t think about them – you just do them or make them.

But, the bigger ones like – should I call that client back or send them an email, should I bring up this difficult topic with my boss or let it go, should I take what someone said personally or just disregard it. Should I discuss this with my spouse now or wait for a better time.  Yes, there are so many more of these as well.

OK, consider for a minute - that the majority of choices are automatic (unconscious) and as time progresses more and more everyday choices get tossed into that “auto” batch holder so that you don’t have to spend as much time in conscious awareness as you live each day.  When you get there my friends, trust me, it is a very dangerous place to be in life.  When you make too many choices in “auto-pilot” sooner or later you are going to regret many of the choices, actions or decisions.

Just as a thought – if a large percentage of cars and trucks on the road are being driven by computers and not people – do you think at some point this could be a problem?  I even heard there is an airline considering “pilotless” planes – don’t know about you, but I would never get on one. 

So, back to my point, how about a few specifics regarding the choices we make.  Keep in mind you might disagree with my premises or items included – it’s OK.

Direct choices – These are outcomes that are directly related to your choices, behaviors, decisions and/or actions.

Indirect choices – These are outcomes that are the result of a combination of your actions, choices, decision, etc. that are caused by nature, life or others.

Loneliness is a choice.  Failure is a choice.  Happiness is a choice.  Success is a choice.  Guilt is a choice.  Resentment is a choice. Being late is a choice. Being overweight is a choice. Being out of shape is a choice. Anger is a choice.  I know, I know – you might believe that some of these might not always be a choice you can make but due to a consequence, situation or person that you couldn’t control – well – yes, no and maybe so let’s consider it.

Let’s just take three – loneliness, failure, guilt. . .

Loneliness – Loneliness tends to be a negative circumstance in someone's life and is generally a consequence – yes of many factors. Then there is aloneness – this is a choice to be alone.  Then there is solitude - this is a choice to be alone where you want to use the time for growth, learning, etc.  The last two are positive choices and the first one is usually a negative one.  Whether due to separation (direct or indirect choice – either a choice made by you, your spouse or mutually), the death of a loved one (indirect choice – you had no control over their passing), divorce or some other loss loneliness is perceived as a loss of control over life circumstances where aloneness and solitude are decisions to take control of life in some way.  But regardless – all are choices.

Failure – Many believe that failure is the outcome due to circumstances that were beyond their control like a recession, hurricane or maybe even a robbery or the death of someone who was an important part of a business enterprise (indirect choices – you chose to live there, work there, prepare poorly for future negative economic circumstances). An important thing to consider when it comes to this topic is your definition of failure.  Is it negative or positive?  Is it necessary for success or something that holds you back?  I’m not going to write a book about this topic now as I already have but am just asking you to consider – do you see failure as a required step in the life learning process or a roadblock that prevents success? Failure just doesn’t happen, like success, it’s always the result of something else.  

What - you ask?  Well, having failed many times during my life I will tell you that failure is just like any other life circumstance; problem, opportunity, challenge, etc. what matters is not what is happening but why and how you respond to what is happening.  So. you decided to take a new position or start a new career, buy a new home, start a new business – whatever . . . and it didn’t work out the way you planned, hoped or dreamed. Was it something you did or didn’t do that caused the failure?  I have no clue but if you hadn’t taken the action in the first place - never bought the home or stated the business – would you have failed?  If you never got married would you never have gotten divorced?  See where I’m going with this?  All outcomes are the result of all actions or lack of them i.e. choices (direct or indirect).  Decided to smoke for thirty years and got cancer (direct). . . never exercised and ended up with heart problems in your fifties (direct)!  A fire destroyed your business and caused you to give it up (direct – you chose the location, the insurance or lack of it, etc. (indirect – the fire was caused by someone or something else). These examples are endless and the bottom line in every failure sooner or later is a choice – let me be clear – the choice was not to fail but the failure was an outcome of the choice to act or not act.

Guilt, regret, jealousy or remorse (direct or indirect depending on any number of circumstances) – OK one more. Ever felt any of these emotions? What caused them – your actions or the actions, behavior or decisions of someone else?  Doesn’t matter.  You have a choice to feel them, experience them, and have them occupy your mind for hours, days or even years or you can choose to let them go, get over them – whatever.  One of my life mantras is simply – “I am not going to let the behavior of others determine my behavior. I am not letting you control me.”  In other words, do and say what you want – it’s your right but I also have the right to either ignore them, respond to them or let you have control over me and how I choose to react to them. Again – the choice in mine and not because you gave it to me but because life gave it to me.

That’s if folks – so I’ll close with two simple questions – are the choices that you are making today “on auto-pilot” or are you considering, thinking about or evaluating some aspect of them before you choose?

Are you aware of both the direct and indirect contributors to the outcomes in any area of life you are currently experiencing?

Is the grass really greener on the other side of the street

Is the grass really greener on the other side of the street

Tim Connor

Is the grass really greener on the other side of the street?  Do the people over there that you observe - day in and day out; have more fun, better relationships, more rewarding careers, fewer problems or just have better lives in general? 

Are they content or are they looking at your side of the street wondering the same things about you?  If you switched sides would both of you be any happier? Have less stress? Find your life's dream in the front yard?

Consider for a moment - maybe the grass is greener on the other side of the street because they are using better fertilizer, weeding more often and watering regularly.  Maybe they are just taking better care of their lawn (life) than you are.  I'm sure I don't need to give you hundreds of words and unlimited illustrations for you to get this simple analogy.

Most people are searching for only a few fundamental things in life.  I believe the significant ones are to be loved and to give love, acceptance for who they are and who they are becoming, appreciation, validation, respect and the opportunity to be happy, successful, safe and content. All of the other stuff you and I say we want - and the list is far too long to share here - is often just an elusive dream.

It could be time to start doing a better job of nurturing your own lawn, garden (life) than the people you seem to envy are doing.

Having been in front of over a million people in my global audiences over the years I can tell you that after hundreds if not thousands of discussions - everyone wishes they had something better or different in their life, career, finances, business or relationships.  And yet - they keep searching outside themselves for the answers, solutions or results. 

Suffice it to say that you will never get everything you want "out there" until you do a better job of fertilizing, growing and nurturing your "in there."  What are you searching for now or have you been looking for, hoping for or dreaming about for years that is still evading you or that is missing in your life?  Let's take a brief look at just a few of these: 

Love: Everyone wants to love someone and be loved by someone.  It is a deep yearning in every human heart, the desire for real and lasting love.  Not just romantic love, not egotistical love, not superficial love, not manipulative love just real unconditional love from the heart.

Acceptance: I believe everyone wants to feel like they are o.k. just the way they are, that they don't need to change anything, according to your expectations, to be accepted by you. I can be me and it's o.k.  You don't have to like it, but you can learn to accept it or live with it. No one was put on this earth for the approval of others.  Yes, we all can grow and be better, wiser, smarter, nicer, etc. but that's up to us and not those in our lives.

Appreciation:  Real appreciation, given from the heart with no agendas or expectations is one of the real needs of the human spirit. Appreciation says you care, are aware of what other's do, are interested in showing them that they matter.  Everyone does something every day for others and I guarantee that they feel they should be appreciated for it.  I am not saying here that you should spend every waking minute giving appreciation to someone who is insecure, needy or egotistical.  No matter how much you give them it will never be enough.

Validation:  There are so many ways we invalidate people.  We interrupt them, we forget to do things for them that we promised we would, we don't listen to them, we do all of the talking when we are with them, we don't give them credit for having anything worthwhile to say, feel and we take credit for their ideas.  We constantly say to them: you should, why don't you, you need to - this list my friends is endless.  One way to know if you are with an "invalidator" is: how do you feel when you are around them?  Do you like yourself more or less when in their presence?  When we invalidate others, we say to them - you don't matter.

Respect: Not everyone will go to the moon, invent a cure for cancer or become a billionaire but we all deserve the respect of others regardless of our race, education, religion, age, looks, etc.  This doesn't mean we agree with them or even like them, but respect is not about liking or loving.  When you judge another person that doesn't define them - it defines you.

So, let me ask you - is it time to buy some more or better-quality fertilizer for your lawn?