The source of loneliness

The source of loneliness

Tim Connor

During the holiday season many people feel a dramatic sense of loneliness that can lead to depression, increased stress and a lack of purpose or mission in life.  Why is this?  Is it due to past mistakes or decisions, expectations, a general lack of purpose in life or something more?

I have been lonely.  I know many people who suffer or have suffered the negatives of this life condition, but in the end if we are lonely it was, is and always will be due to our own reasons, causes or beliefs and not due to others behavior or actions.  You can take issue with this belief, but let me ask you – Have you ever felt lonely? For a few hours or a few years and the reasons are?  Blame – a lack of personal responsibility, anger, grief, fear, arrogance, ego or some other mindset or belief?

Loneliness - feeling sad through being without friends or company. Done or lived life without companionship or support from other people.  I disagree with this definition – loneliness has nothing to do with having other people in your life or keeping busy 24/7. 

Loneliness is a mindset, an attitude or letting what you perceive as lack.  Loneliness will not be overcome just by bringing more stuff or people into your everyday life.  Don’t believe me? Well research and studies over the years has shown that some of the loneliest people are wealthy, successful or famous – go figure.

What are the symptoms of loneliness –

Loneliness has many attributes and these can vary depending on our personal definition of this malaise but a few of the common ones are – despair, discouragement, a loss of purpose, aimlessness, uncertainty or a loss of self-worth, anxiety, stress, insecurity or immaturity.  The problem is that many of these attitudes, emotions or mindsets can also lead to other even more dramatic outcomes such as suicide. 

What are the causes of loneliness –

If you have read the above paragraph you will see that many of the causes are related in some way to these but the essential causes are; being out of touch with reality, an unwillingness to take responsibility for life with all its ups and downs and positives and negatives.

Many lonely people actually want to be lonely. Don’t believe me? Consider the fact that many people who have some of the same symptoms but choose to act or deal with these to change the quality of their life.  Many lonely people are just stuck – and why?  Because they choose to remain stuck and not change their circumstances.

In the end if you are lonely and are unwilling to move in a new direction to eliminate these feelings or emotions this is your choice and not caused by the actions, behavior or decisions of others.

What are the benefits of loneliness –

You might wonder why I would even include this section feeling that there are no benefits to this emotional condition but I choose to differ and why?  Well, for starters if you are experiencing a sense of loneliness this can give you an opportunity to reflect on its causes, reasons and consequences giving you the option of remaining in this condition or making the decision to change or do something about it and since this is a choice only you can make you have to ask yourself – do I want to remain here in this situation or is it time do finally do something about it?

During a few bouts with loneliness during my life I realized I had a choice – change something or just continue this victim mentality, which by the way I didn’t like or believe I deserved, but in the end I was lonely simply because that was the choice I made, oh maybe not consciously, but in the end I had to look in the mirror.

After consideration, contemplation, prayer, self-evaluation and some guidance from a few mentors I finally realized that life with this mindset lacked any value and whether or not to change course was in my hands.

If you are lonely what can you do –

I could give you dozens of actions but here are a few simple ones that I would suggest you consider.

-Expose yourself to new people, situations and opportunities.

-Stop blaming life or others for your condition.

-Start a hobby or new activity – take dance lessons, join a book club, get involved with your church, volunteer for something – anything.

-Be willing to be honest with yourself about the whys of your loneliness.

-Take a trip, cruise or just a walk in the park several times a week or year.

-Start a good stuff jar (ask me about this one).

-Create a – my blessings list.

-Make some new friends or even acquaintances.

-Try something new (and you don’t have to start jumping out of airplanes).

-Get a part time job serving the public (library, a book store, Hospice, server in a restaurant or anything that helps you connect with others)?

-Laugh more, read more, and keep learning – anything new.

-Come on – get busy – doing something – anything.

-And please end the pity party.

In summary –

I’ll leave you with a simple question – do you want to continue the rest of your life, however much time you have left, in this current state or do you want to live???

“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted

is the most terrible poverty.”

Mother Teresa