Everything Ends

Everything Ends (on earth that is.)

Tim Connor

Ever experienced an ending? A relationship – a career – a business – a way of life – or any major or minor life situation?  The answer for everyone is – Yes.

Having experienced a number of endings during my life I was thinking today about how temporary life is (on earth that is).

Last year I wrote a book (not published yet) called endings are just new beginnings in disguise. The basic message is simply that sooner or later everything ends whether a career, relationship or your life.  I am not going to delve into the spiritual realm of endings as I believe that death is also a new beginning and not an ending but in this article I would like to focus on how short lived and temporary everything in this life really is.

Why do we fear endings?  Why are so many of them so painful and why do some things seem to come to an end before their time or we are ready for them?  So many questions when it comes to the reasons for endings in life but let me share a couple of simple yet profound ideas with you that if you are currently dealing with an ending or can’t let go of the pain from a previous ending that might help – they are helping me.

Endings first and foremost are teachers trying to get us to learn one of life’s basic tenants – life is short so live life to the fullest while you can so you can leave with as few regrets as possible.  They want to teach us to learn to embrace the joy, blessings and adventure of a situation (relationship, career or general life circumstance) while it is present in our life.  It wants us to learn to move into the next chapter of our life with courage, faith, hope and understanding.  It wants to teach us to learn to embrace what we have while we have it – for many not an easy task – thus the endings we must all endure.

Endings are a routine part of life and you can’t escape them but what you can do is be a willing student as you pass through each ending regardless of its cause or circumstances.  If we fail to learn what an ending is trying to teach us it is guaranteed that sooner or later we will face a similar ending that will be just as painful as the previous one.

What else are endings trying to teach us? It depends on the unique mindsets, attitudes and values that you have but in general I believe they are hoping we will learn to; trust God and life, accept all He brings into our life with a simple thank you and that we need to finally grasp that there is only one thing that doesn’t end and that is our relationship with Him.

I have lost parents and many friends and peers to death during my life and only a few of them lived each and every day with peace, joy, passion, gratitude and compassion while others were wrapped up in the temporary nature and perceived value of things or stuff they owned, desired or had lost for some reason.

Endings are the one certainty in life that you can’t avoid and if we will let them they will serve a valuable growth lesson enabling us to say goodbye to many of life’s circumstances, people and memories with poise, maturity, love and understanding.

The second thing that is valuable in an ending is your willingness and ability to look deep inside yourself to determine who you are, what you value, what you really want from life and why you have it or are still searching for it.

Introspection and self-evaluation is the only reliable approach to changing something in your life.  You can read hundreds of books, attend seminars until you are blue in the face but if you are unwilling to bring the learned concepts and ideas inside yourself for careful and thorough contemplation the learning and the time spent learning will be of ultimate little value.  All inner change requires preparation, persistence, practice and self-accountability none of which are easy when you have a history of opposite behavior, attitudes or mindsets.

Endings can be a great source for learning as when in emotional pain we are capable of tremendous strides forward if we will but make the necessary effort.

“And in the end it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”

Abe Lincoln

Consequences

Consequences

Tim Connor

Ever had an undesired consequence happen in your life?  Come on – be honest – who hasn’t regretted some action or decision that ended in a negative consequence that they wish they could have avoided.

All actions, choices that result in actions and decisions have consequences - some are immediate and some take time to manifest.  Some are positive while others can be negative, but the simple truth is you can’t avoid consequences.  The trick is to always do what is right, act in a mature way and always make intelligent decisions that reduce the negative consequences. Possible? Unlikely as we all from time to time act opposite of these mindsets therefore inheriting sooner or later some bad outcomes.  The question is however are all bad outcomes really bad or just not what we hoped for or wanted?

Consequences - the relation between a result and its cause.  Pretty straightforward wouldn’t you agree?  Yes, then why do so many of us interpret our consequences often in a negative way?  I’m not talking here about not winning the lottery because you didn’t buy a ticket but more real everyday circumstances like; lying, cheating or exhibiting negative emotions like anger, hate, vindictiveness or even self-absorption.

Everything has a consequence.  If you took physics in High School, then you are aware of the basic truth of cause and effect. This truth is not just in relation to physical events like the way you drive, what you eat or whether you exercise but even in your thoughts, beliefs, values and attitudes.

Consequences can be teachers helping us to make better choices and decisions in the future learning from our actions.  Note I didn’t say mistakes? Mistakes are generally considered to be things we did wrong but in many ways things we did wrong in the present can often be blessings in the future, not always but it happens every day.  So the question remains – are consequences good, bad or neutral?   

Well it depends.

I have a friend who has a habit of making wrong (inappropriate) choices day after day and as a result they experienced severe and painful consequences, ones they didn’t think they deserved or even earned.

No one can predict the outcome of a decision, action or choice.  Life has a unique way of using some things to reward us and others to punish us and still others to teach us.  The question is how do we interpret these outcomes and then respond or react?

Let’s discuss briefly the lessons that can be learned or the actions that can be taken to impact consequences in a more positive way.  Yes, I know this could be a book but I only have a few hundred words to work with here.

Consequences can;

Teach us – How to make better decisions in the future.  Operate in reality rather than fantasy-ville. Function in a more mature and healthy way. That we can’t avoid outcomes. That we need to be a better life student. That we can’t control the future. And that we can only live in the present one moment at a time no matter what has happened in the past or may happen in the future.

Strengthen us – Everything in life can make us stronger - the problem is that we often resist the opportunity to use what comes into our life to strengthen our resolve, purpose or increase our personal development. We all have enough courage to learn from circumstances but far too often we get stuck in worry, regret, discouragement or even despair. God always gives us stuff we can’t handle but He never gives us stuff He can’t handle so the question is can we trust Him and live each moment with courage, joy and confidence?

Break us – Yes, stuff can break us – our spirit, resolve, courage and confidence.  Some stuff can even send our self-esteem into a nosedive.  Ever been there?  I have and it’s never pretty. When we let things or circumstances break us it’s primarily because we lack trust in ourselves, belief and trust in God or we are just tired of fighting. When we break it’s usually emotionally due to some inner lack or need that we have not developed or nurtured given our previous lessons and opportunities to grow.  Many people choose to see themselves as victims but let me remind you – this is just a mindset and mindsets can be changed but it does take time and effort.

Cause despair or discouragement – When we let circumstances cause us to go into depression, discouragement or even deep despair we are essentially giving the power over to circumstances to have control over our lives.  I have been there (not depression) and I know how debilitating this time in life can be but I love the line – this too shall pass.  But I changed it to – this too shall prepare me.  See the subtle distinction?  Trust me folks bad stuff happens to good people and good stuff happens to bad people – it’s just life but we can exercise some control over some circumstances if we will just act more maturely, think ahead more often and stop letting life’s circumstances take over our existence.

Increase the size of our pride, ego or arrogance – Pride and ego are more often than not the major cause of negative circumstances in life.  When bad things happen to people who have egos over the top or are overfilled with far too much pride they will often go into blame mode or denial.  When they tend to have this reaction all they are doing is setting themselves up for even bigger negative outcomes in the future from some other totally unrelated event or situation.  Pride and ego say – we are better and stronger than anything or even everything – I beg to differ as I have seen many very prideful people brought to their knees more than once in their life.

Humble us – Humility is not a weakness as the Bible states on numerous occasions.  People who are humble actually have a better self-esteem than people who are filled with pride or large egos. Humility is simply a way of behaving that shows that you do not think that you are better or more important than other people. When negative circumstances come into the lives of humble people they don’t whine, complain, blame or gripe about how life is unfair.  They just deal with it, learn from it and move on.

Make us smile, laugh, cry or scream – I’ll let you finish this one . . .

I’ll leave you with a quick thought to consider – what consequences are you dealing with in your life today that are impacting; the quality of your life, your happiness, your success, your relationships, your inner peace, your health that in hindsight you could have altered if you had just paid attention and learned from previous consequences?

“Act decidedly and take the consequences.

No good is ever done by hesitation.”

Huxley

All struggle is within

All struggle is within

Tim Connor

Struggling with anything today? A career, a relationship or just one of life’s many routine issues or challenges? If you’re not I would be surprised as life always has challenges due to our human nature, change that we can’t control or our needs for approval, acceptance or to be in control.

Struggle - to make a great physical effort to achieve or obtain something - to deal with a challenge, problem, or difficulty of some kind.

I have never met anyone in my world travels who has not or is not struggling with something.  Is there value in struggle or is it just our way of trying to overcome something that has come into our life that threatens our safety, health, security or happiness?

I know I have struggled on numerous occasions during my life with any number of challenges – financial, relationship, career and anything else you can think of and I have often wondered why I fought it so much and often for far too long.  Why couldn’t I just let it go and surrender?  Was it pride?  Ego? Self-esteem? Or, some other human flaw that prevented me from learning quickly and moving on?

Struggle is a distraction and steals from the joy and value of your present moments.  It causes stress, worry and anxiety none of which are healthy mindsets.

So I ask you – is there a value or benefit to struggle or is it just our way of coping with some aspects of life?

First - I believe struggle is a signal that something needs to change – something inside you or something outside you in your life that you can’t control.

Think about something you are struggling with now.  What is it trying to teach you?  Why is it in your life now?  What do you need to change, do, learn or decide so you can move past this struggle mindset and on to the joy of life and the many blessings you have?

How can struggle teach us?  For starters whatever is going on has our attention and awareness so the question is – are we willing to look beyond the struggle to its causes or potential lessons?

Second - accept the fact that struggle will continue and often increase if we don’t confront its contributors and just stay locked into the current situation.

Third – Struggle is often indicative of inner resistance to something that needs further or deeper consideration and contemplation and without it you may face similar struggles again in the future.

Fourth – Struggle causes inner pain, conflict and a confrontation between values, goals, attitudes or opinions and how to resolve them given the current situation and when we take action or make decisions in this mental or emotional state we will often make poor choices or bad decisions and take the inappropriate actions that can have even worse future consequences.

I know many people who have struggled, made bad decisions and then had to deal with even worse situations in the future because of these actions.

Decisions we make are not the issue here, what is - are the actions we take and struggle often prods us to – do something to fix this or change this – NOW!

The solution – there are many things you can do while struggling that can help you learn what you need to learn and to take actions that will resolve these in a more practical and mature way.  Here are just five.

Talk with someone you respect and who respects you where you can be totally honest and vulnerable. Ask them for ideas, guidance, and suggestions or even what they would do.

Spend time in prayer, meditation and contemplation and don’t rush this process.  Don’t expect immediate answers.  Learn to wait and observe and trust.

Spend some time in nature – take a slow walk in the woods, on the beach or anywhere where you can focus on what is good in your life.

Listen and pay attention to your inner voice or spirit.  It will guide you, but you have to shut off all of the external noise that contributes to all of your inner noise.

Don’t think that whatever you are facing needs an immediate response or knee-jerk reaction.  Give it some time to play out and just watch as it does as an outside-in observer.

There are many more things you can do but I will leave you with a thought – struggle is in your life for a reason and it wants you to grow and learn because of it – are you ready or is your ego and pride preventing this growth?

“The important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle.”

Pierre de Coubertin

Life's Ten Vital Ingredients

Life’s Ten Vital Ingredients

Tim Connor

Do you want to be happy?  Content?  Have inner peace? Feel joy every day?  Well, after reading over 100 spiritual books during the past two years including the Bible (cover to cover) here is what I came up with. I did not put them in any special order as they are all important if you want to spend your remaining years (regardless of your age) on earth with a sense of meaning and value. You can agree or disagree with the list; I am only sharing what I have learned from my study and research.

Love -

When I speak of love I’m not referring to romantic love but a mindset of love. Regardless of your religious or spiritual inclinations or views love is the basic foundation of life.  Whether it’s self-love or the love of life in general when love is the basis of all of your thoughts, behaviors, decisions and actions you will tend to bring peace, happiness and joy into your life.  If you lack love the only other option is fear (since there are only two basic emotions – love and fear) then the ingredients grounded in fear such as; anger, hate, guilt, discouragement, jealousy, resentment, vindication etc. will fill your soul and mind therefore manifesting themselves in one way or another as a fear response to life and its conditions or circumstances.

Love is the foundation of every aspect of life and without it we are unable to enjoy life and feel a sense of gratitude or contentment.

Faith -

I am not referring here to religious faith but that is included in the general mindset of faith.  Faith is trusting what you can’t see, don’t know or is not present.  Whether it’s faith in yourself, your future, your decisions or life in general people who live with faith are not living in La La Land.  They choose to believe what they can’t prove or lacks physical evidence or manifestation.  Faith is a vital part of life whether it’s faith that your efforts will eventually produce positive effects or benefits or faith in God and all He has done, is doing and will do for you.  People who lack faith tend to be negative and pessimistic.  If you can’t see it or prove it – it ain’t so.

So much happens each minute in your life whether physically (every heartbeat) or the driver that doesn’t ram into the trunk of your car.  Most of life’s happenings happen without our conscious awareness.  I’m not talking here about miracles but just so many little synchronistic actions that you couldn’t see coming – yes some can be perceived as bad stuff while others can be interpreted as good stuff.  But, in the end, it’s all happening for a reason.  If we choose to interpret what is happening only from a “present” perspective you are missing so much that could end up being a positive.

Faith is seeing all that happens in your life as eventually good even though it might seem like chaos at the moment.

Gratitude -

Most people on a routine basis focus on what they want or is missing in their life.  When they lose a job, a loved one or their car keys their attention seems to gravitate towards what is wrong or absent in their life.  Think about it – regardless of what you have lost, and I’m not being insensitive if you have lost someone dear to you, what do you still have?

Whether it’s health, friends, family, talent or some other thing to feel gratitude for, I am positive you have more left than you have lost.

Why do so many people focus on what is missing?  Is it taking so much in life for granted or just pure arrogance or pride?  Or is it something else?

Let me ask you a question – the last time you lost something in your life was your immediate reaction one of gratitude for what you still have or did you concentrate on your loss?  Yes you need to grieve and feel the pain of loss whether a job or some aspect of your health but I would ask you to consider – how many blessings do you still have?

Growth -

If you are not growing you are falling behind.  Whether it’s some area of your career, your relationship skills or just general wisdom and life experience, it is critical that you keep learning.  I’m not suggesting you spend hours at your computer searching for more information than you will ever need but the simple trait of having a “life learning mindset” where you are always open to new ideas, skills, approaches or attitudes.

One of the common traits that many people develop as their years pass is one of uselessness, they no longer feel valuable or relevant.  When this attitude prevails in your life you will tend to see yourself as a victim and spend a great deal of time in self-pity or low self-esteem neither of which will add value to the adventure of your life.

What is your life-long learning approach?  Do you read on a regular basis?  Do you meet new people and share and learn new insights?  Do you reach out to develop new skills or talents?  It’s simple folks - grow or start dying and life doesn’t care how old you are.  I know people in their eighties who are great students in life and I know a number of people in their twenties that think they know it all.   

And you approach is. .  .

Service to others -

Life is about giving not getting.  Ever watched the smile on another’s face when you did something for them or gave them a special gift?  Joy was experienced by you as well but the interesting thing is that your joy is greater than theirs no matter the gift or act of service. Why is this?  Why do we get more pleasure out of giving than getting?  Simple - giving that has value says you care, you are thoughtful, you are compassionate and you are unselfish.  Service to others can be simply holding a door open for someone or spending months or years as a missionary but the result is always the same – you get more than they do and trust me they get a lot.

Surrender -

Surrender is simply about letting go – of self-absorption, control, ego needs or for more common themes like power, influence or even wealth.  A great book by Ortberg is “It’s All Going Back in the Box.”  Read it.  Surrender is not giving up or giving in it’s just letting go of your need to know what is coming next or to try and influence what is next and not getting discouraged or mired in self-pity when things don’t go as you planned, wanted or expected.  Life happens.  People who refuse to give up control of things that they can’t control live with a great deal of pain, stress, guilt and even remorse.  All you have is one moment at a time.  The previous minute is gone and you may not get the next one so relax and just be – now and not stuck in the past with all of its failures, disappointments, mistakes and even positive memories. 

Hope –

Hope is all we have sometimes.  When life seems at its worst and you think things can’t get worse and they suddenly do – BAM – where did this one come from? Hope is a spiritual mindset that focuses on the positives.  Now this doesn’t mean that all you hope for will materialize but at least you are not letting despair or anxiety rule your present moments and you have decided to hope for the best.  Planning for the worst while hoping for the best is a wonderful life approach.

Effort –

Nothing is ever accomplished without effort, nothing.  There are lots of ways to define effort.  There is physical effort and emotional or mental effort.  It doesn’t matter which form it takes life requires that if you want better outcomes or positive results you have to act, but yes acting in a mature, responsible and timely manner will help the outcome a great deal.  Know anyone who wants something better but just sits there waiting for it to happen?  There is no guarantee that your effort will produce the results or outcomes you want but you have a better chance of achieving them if you act rather than just sit idly by waiting because you deserve it.

Responsibility –

The world owes you nothing and that includes; you’re parents, the government, your spouse and anyone else who crosses your path.  What you achieve or fail to achieve is in your hands.  As long as you choose to point your finger at anyone else you will always feel disappointed and often like a victim.  Responsibility is more than a choice it is a responsibility, I know - doesn’t make sense but think about it. Whatever you achieve, whatever your circumstances and whatever your outcomes you will sooner or later have to bring them all back to the source – you.

Humility –

The opposite of humility is pride.  We all have degrees of pride and this is normal and natural but the problem begins when you lose your humility because of your pride.  Humility is the quality of being modest and respectful – the opposite is arrogance.  People who are humble have nothing to prove and don’t require your approval or acceptance of them.  They are who they are and they don’t spend their life trying to impress others but here’s the interesting thing – most of the great leaders of the past were driven by humility.  Can you think of any?

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." 

Ralph Waldo Emerson