The Iceberg Effect

The Iceberg Effect

Tim Connor

It’s common knowledge that only 1/10 of an iceberg is above the surface.  The question remains how big is the 9/10’s and what are its characteristics and how does this portion contribute to or create what lies above the surface.  I want to use this analogy when we consider our life with all of its complexity including; attitudes, beliefs, behavior, decisions and mindsets.  As we discuss these in more detail keep the iceberg picture in your mind.

If we have 90% of our life beneath the surface of our body (brain) i.e. thoughts, memories, motives, urges etc. that take place within the over three billion brain cells and over three trillion chemical reactions every second that take place there - we must consider how these impact our exterior life the 10% on the surface (that we demonstrate and exhibit to the world).

For the sake of illustration I have broken the iceberg into three sections rather than two for this discussion. The top 10%, the middle 30% and the bottom 60%. (Yes these numbers are arbitrary) keep in mind that only the top 10% is visible to others and how you live your life.

Let’s consider what’s in the 10% that we show the world;

Personality, decisions, attention, behavior, actions, emotional expression communication patterns and choices.

The middle 30%;

Just beneath the surface are desires, awareness, thoughts and feelings.

Now the bottom 60%;

Motives, urges, memories, experience, attitudes, mindsets, prejudices, beliefs, fears, dreams, self-esteem, self-love and all of your conditioning influences since you were born.

Ok, now that we have that out of the way let’s take a broader look at these three areas and how they contribute to the quality of our life, career, relationships and our future.

The top 10%.

The top 10% reacts. It is a slave to what lies beneath.  Think about it – if an iceberg wants to move - what’s in control – the top 10% or the bottom 90%?  The top 10% does what it’s told whether personality, behavior, actions or decisions.  This portion of your life – what the world sees when it observes you – is nothing more than a response device. You might think that you have total control of choices, actions, feelings or behavior but this isn’t the case.  You do what you are told to do or are inclined to do based on the information stored in your 90%. This 90% is in total control of all aspects of your life.

The middle 30% section.

What occupies the lower section – the 60% is filtered by your 30% (middle section) prior to reaching the top.  In other words just because you have experiences, goals, motives or urges etc. in your 60% because of the contents of your 30% section these can be altered, reduced, amplified or adjusted according to this mid-section.

For example – let’s say you have a belief system in the bottom 60% that says you are a procrastinator and you are given a task by a boss that needs to be completed ASAP.  Your tendency would be to put it off – that’s who you are.  However, let’s also say that this task must be completed on time or you will lose your job. The desire in your 30% doesn’t want to lose the job so you act immediately overriding your bottom 60% tendency or self-belief system.  The outcome is – you act now. The opposite can also happen. You are given a task by a friend and there is no negative direct impact on your life by not procrastinating so you let the bottom 60% drive your behavior and your middle 30% doesn’t stop this or get in the way – it lets you procrastinate.

Let’s look at this in another way.

Let’s say someone does something that disappoints you. Your mind takes this information in and it sends it to your bottom 60% for a reaction. This person has also disappointed you in the past (a memory) but you don’t like conflict (top 10%) so your bottom 60% sends a message to the surface to not get upset by their action. However as this information (your response) is passed up through the 30% (keep in mind that all of the information in the 60% must pass through the mid 30% (up or down) before it gets to the surface or reaches the bottom 60%) your thoughts tell you that what they did is wrong so this will filter the 60% message and you may demonstrate anger, disappointment or frustration.

I’m sure that this concept may have you a bit confused but think about it – all of your actions, decisions, choices, behavior etc. are controlled by your bottom 90%.  So if you want to improve any aspect of your life you have to work on all of the areas in the bottom 90% that impact what you want to change.

Finally, be aware that every thought, emotion, experience, feeling you have ever had are permanently stored in your bottom 60% - and you can’t erase anything.  All you can do is train your mind to learn to look elsewhere in the billions of brain cells for different answers or information.  And, the only way you can do this is to keep adding better information to your brain.  In other words if you are a pessimistic person you will continue to be pessimistic if you don’t continue to give your mind new positive information.  How do you do this – read more, keep learning, and keep challenging your beliefs or mindsets that don’t serve you well in your life.  Surround yourself with the right people.

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Choose
your words, for they become actions. Understand your
actions, for they become habits. Study your habits,
for they will become your character. Develop your
character, for it becomes your destiny."
 Anonymous

The peril of assumptions

The peril of assumptions

Tim Connor

To assume - to accept that something is true without checking or confirming it.  Ever done it?  Come on . . . you do it every day sometimes consciously and more frequently unconsciously.

When you make any assumption sooner or later you set yourself up for disappointment, frustration, guilt, resentment and even anger – none of which are emotionally healthy and when you feel these emotions you will almost always project them toward others or your circumstances in some way.

Why do we assume?

For starters we want control over many of life’s circumstances and even the people in our lives.  We want things to be the way we want them to be regardless of whether we have the ability or right to these agendas. I’m not talking here about control freaks or narcissists but each of us that feels our needs, desires and objectives are more important to us than others.  If you haven’t figured out this simple life fact I would be surprised – we are all on our own unique life path with varied experiences, life approaches, lessons and goals.  We all want many of the same things like happiness, success and contentment but how we define these and pursue them is unique to each of us.

When we expect others or life to accommodate these personal needs expecting people to put us first in every way we will just set ourselves up for disappointment.

We assume because we want life to always go “our way”.  If you have ever experienced disappointment in any relationship or circumstances I will guarantee it was because you had an expectation (an assumption) that something would or should happen or a person should behave or react according to your plans.

When we assume we usually do this with less than adequate information or knowledge about a situation or person.  The result is that it or they often leave us feeling vulnerable or even a victim and these are mindsets that most people don’t want to experience but they continue to make more and more assumptions.

Think for a moment about an assumption you have made today about or with a person (employee, customer, child, spouse or friend) – what was the outcome if you or the other person didn’t have a clear understanding of your expectation, need or desire?  Confusion? Misunderstanding? 

Disappointment? Conflict?

The single word that defines the issue of assumptions is – should.

-People should be on time.

-People should honor their promises.

-People should always tell the truth.

-People should be polite, understanding or compassionate.

-People should respond to your emails, texts or calls immediately.

This is just as true for circumstances;

-There should never be a traffic back-up when you are in a hurry.

-Planes should always be on time.

-There should never be a line when you want to make a purchase.

-The meal your order in a restaurant should always be perfect.

Am I making myself clear here?  I could give thousands of examples but why not think about some of your continued assumptions (expectations, attitudes, beliefs or mindsets). Stop for a minute and consider a current or pending assumption you have about something or someone.

The consequences of assumptions –

There are very few positives when it comes to making assumptions and the reason is simple – we set ourselves up for disillusionment when we assume that other’s agendas should mirror our own.  But the issue is greater than short term disappointment.  When we constantly have assumptions for others we send a subtle message that their behavior needs to change.  This personal agenda will over time erode the trust and respect in a relationship both of which are vital for enduring positive relationships.

The other long term impact is due to people living with the relentless interior fear that they will never be able to live up to your needs, desires or requirements to make you happy or even content with the state of the relationship.

How to manage your assumptions –

Let me share a few approaches that you can begin to incorporate into your mindsets to better deal with your assumptive approach to life.

-We will never be perfect in the eyes of others – so stop trying.

-Sooner or later we all disappoint others in some way – it is what it is.

-Life happens – we can’t control everything all the time – so accept it.

-Everyone’s reality is based on their perceptual interpretations – you can’t control their interpretations or their reality.

-You’ve heard it – assume – make an ass out of you and me.

-Learn to manage your expectations – they are yours only and do not determine other’s behavior.

-Your emotional state is your responsibility – don’t turn it over to others.

-You can’t please everyone all the time – we all have very personal needs, desires and dreams.

-Avoid the set up – always say what you mean and mean what you say.

-Conflict is normal in every relationship – assumptions contribute to increased conflict so when there is the potential for circumstances not to happen the way you want or expect don’t make a promise you might not be able to keep.

 “You must stick to your convictions, but be ready to abandon your assumptions.”

Dennis Waitley

Had a miracle in your life today?

Had a miracle in your life today?

Tim Connor

Miracles – some people believe in them, others don’t and many people never give them a second thought.  But I will guarantee during your life today you will experience many of them whether you believe in them or not.

Miracle - an event that appears to be contrary to the laws of nature and is regarded as an act of God. Now my definition – things that happen in our lives that we just can’t explain or define.

-Meeting just the right person at the right time.

-80,000 heartbeats a day.

-A surprise check in the mail you were not expecting.

-45,000 breaths every day.

-Friends and family that stand with you during difficult times.

-Three trillion chemical reactions in the human body every second – 24/7/365.

I could go on for pages but I just want you to consider for a moment that miracles are nothing more than your perspective on life.  Sure the sun comes up every day and unless you are on vacation you most likely don’t put this daily event in the category of miracles - but consider – what if you were isolated for months without access to sunshine would you consider it a miracle when you saw your first sunrise in years?

You may think I’m being silly or that I don’t understand the concept of a miracle, I guess I look at life differently than many people and I feel that having had so many wonderful years (yes I’ve had my share of problems, adversity, trials and failures) is a miracle.  You might call them blessings, luck or just the simple fact that it’s life but for me every morning I wake up – this is a miracle and why? Well statistics show that every night 45,000 people die in their sleep.  I got another day – it’s a miracle.

The other issue with miracles is that if you don’t expect them even though you receive them every day, you will tend to take life for granted.  And this is a shame because life, every minute is a gift and a miracle.  Know how I know? Well one day it will all end here on earth for you or someone you know or love and that will be the end of the miracle of life for them.  Yes if they lived their life correctly they will move on to a higher place but they are no longer with you to share laughter, adventures, smiles and so much more.

So, let me ask you – do you believe in miracles?

If no – why not?  If yes – do you thank life and God every day for the many miracles you get to enjoy?  My experience after speaking to over 1,000,000 people around the world is that most people take each day they are given for granted until that day when they get bad news – a health challenge, loss of a loved one or some other major life event that changes everything.

 

“If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would

literally astonish ourselves.” 

Thomas Edison

Self-conception leads to judgments and your personal reality

Self-conception leads to judgments and your personal reality.

Tim Connor

Self-conception leads to pre-conception - pre-conception leads to projection and projection leads to prejudice and judgments and a disconnect with reality.

Confused? If you are let me start with some definitions.

Self-conception – how you define yourself and your beliefs, mindsets, attitudes and opinions.

pre-conception – how you pre-determine your attitudes, mindsets, opinions of others or circumstances.

Prejudice - the holding of preformed opinions based on insufficient knowledge, irrational feelings, or inaccurate stereotypes 

Judgment – how you judge (interpret/define) others or situations based on your prejudices, expectation, attitudes, beliefs or opinions.

Stick with me – I’m getting there.

-How does self-conception contribute to your pre-conceptions?

Self-conception is just the way you view, feel or what you believe about yourself. Much of your self-perception originated early in life from your parents, caregivers, schools, churches etc.  Whether you like yourself or don’t for some deep seated reasons that may be hidden deep within your psyche doesn’t matter as all of your reactions to people, circumstances and situations will almost always be driven by your inner fears, suppressed emotions, psychological wounds and your interpretation of your experiences.

These self-conceptions are rooted in your brain and will always have some impact on your decisions, attitudes and behavior.  You can’t change your mental history but what you can do is to learn to override these feelings, beliefs or values with new learning, growth, understanding and the willingness and ability to change.  None of these are easy, but if your life; career, relationships etc. are not turning out as you want there may be some underlying self-conceptions that need to be healed, surrendered to or re-evaluated.  I am not suggesting psychotherapy but that you might benefit from some serious inner work to discover reasons, causes or triggers that are contributing to your current or past and yes will impact your future outcomes.

Self-conception is nothing more than a mental filter that everything and everyone you experience must go through this filtering process.  You can’t stop it all you can do is learn to control your outer reactions in spite of what is stored in your mental history.  These self-conceptions will always contribute in some way to your pre-conceptions of others and situations or events.

Don’t believe me?  Well the next time you get angry at anything or anyone stop for a few seconds and ask yourself – why – why am I angry.  Keep digging and I’ll guarantee there is something inside you that needs to be addressed and changed or you will continue to let similar situations have similar control over your emotions and responses.

-How do your pre-conceptions determine or contribute to your judgments?

When you judge another person by your standards, opinions or attitudes – that doesn’t define them but you.  Judgments are nothing more than a projection of your own prejudices, likes, dislikes or any other factor that defines you from your personal perspective.

During my life I have known many very many judgmental people who no matter who they met, if that person had something better than them – car, home, career or the way they looked or dressed etc. always used their judgments (pre-conceptions) to find something wrong with them (what they had) – they were rich and greedy, they were superficial, they had had a variety of cosmetic surgeries - get the picture?

The basic problem with judgmental people is – a low self-esteem, insecurity, jealousy, envy or some other dysfunctional behavior or mindset. Once these are set in place – often early in life – most people die with them.  In other words their pre-conceptions determine and contribute in a justifiable way from their personal viewpoint – their opinions, prejudices and any other interpretation they feel makes them better in some way – even if they have a better car, nicer house etc.

-Finally how do your judgments impact your reality, relationships, success and happiness?

Reality is what is.  Each of us has our own personal reality - the problem is that it very seldom is even close to reality – what is.

Your interpretation of people, circumstances, events or any other life issue will always come from your personal viewpoint or what I have often referred to as your ‘personal emotional and mental filters”.  These filters (your interpretation of the outside world) will always be jaundiced due to your personal history, experiences, education, upbringing, gender, race, age and any other personal influences during your life.  Everything that you perceive and then react or respond to will be driven by the contents of your personal filters.

Here’s the problem – just because you think something is so or right or better doesn’t make it so.  Yes, it might for you but do you think just because you have a viewpoint I should agree with it?

All conflict, disagreement and many negative emotions in every relationship are due to the contents of your mental filter and how these differ from the people you interact with.

It can be as simple as an interpretation of a color.  I say it’s green and you say – lime.  I say it’s a beautiful day and you say – it’s too hot.  I say I liked that restaurant and you say it was ok.  Need I say more?

“Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge in the field of truth and knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the Gods.”

Albert Einstein