Givers or takers - who wins in life?

Givers or takers – who wins in life?

Tim Connor

At first glance you might assume that takers do better in life, get more and achieve greater success and even wealth than givers.  However, depending on how you want to define these four outcomes consider; givers live longer, are healthier, impact others in a more positive and lasting way, get sick less and have greater inner peace and happiness and takers have the opposites of all of these.

So, let me ask you – if you could choose which of the above group you would be in as you go through your life and its years and circumstances – what’s your decision?

Well, maybe you need a little more information before you decide – OK consider the following.  Let’s look at three major life areas – careers, relationships and longevity.  Sorry I’m not including money as I have learned that most of you know or have learned that money can buy travel, stuff, position, power, influence and convenience but it can’t buy longer life happiness, health and spiritual contentment.  I know, we could argue these points for hours, but let’s save that for another time, for now - I just want to stick with the title - who over time wins in life – givers or takers?

First let’s define each of these two groups;

Takers – it’s all about them – what they have, what they get, what you owe them, what they deserve, their position in line, they shouldn’t have to wait for anything, they were put on this earth for you to serve them, they are always right, their time and agendas are more important than yours – had enough or should I go on?  OK, they don’t have to say thank you or show appreciation, their goals, needs and desires are all that matters.  Before I leave this group – one thing I have learned is that takers don’t see themselves as takers – they actually see themselves as givers because their self-definition is – I am – kind-hearted, caring and thoughtful – sorry folks that ain’t you and not even close.

OK, how about givers – they tend to put others first, they sacrifice time, effort and even possessions when others are in need.  They don’t judge who deserves what, when, where or how – they give of their time, their effort, their care and their compassion even to strangers.  They don’t judge, blame or get even.  They don’t keep score and they always show appreciation even in the smallest ways.  These folks according to research get sick less, live longer, are happier and have greater inner peace.  You might ask – can givers be wealthy?  The difference between givers and takers is not money.  There are poor takers and extremely wealthy givers.  Money is not the measuring stick between these two groups.  The one thing that separates them is their life outlook.

For givers life is about service, sacrifice, sharing and leaving a legacy of love.  For takers it’s what I have, what I deserve, what you owe me (again not talking here about money) and what I can control.

Takers in business tend over time to lose respect, loyalty and even staying power.  Takers in relationships tend to over time spend more time alone.  Conversely givers tend to have more real friends, not just acquaintances, better and happier relationships and more satisfying careers.  Takers tend to have more conflict and tension in their lives while givers enjoy greater peace and contentment, even solitude.

During my life and global travels I have known many people in both camps including clients, friends, relatives, customers, employees and neighbors.  Recently I decided to consider who of all of these people I have known have had the greatest influence on my life and its circumstances and outcomes – the givers I have known or the takers.  Got a guess who have had the greatest positive influence and the greatest negative influence?

Well, if you’re not sure – the givers have helped me the most and the takers have taught me who to avoid – a lot more but it’s kinda personal.

How about you – first of all do you see yourself as a giver or a taker?  If you asked several people who would be honest with you which group they would put you in – what would most of them or even all of them say?

Which group do you tend to have in your inner circle?  Which group do you tend to get along best with? Which group have helped you the most or taught you the most? Which group do you tend to spend the most time with? Which group have you tended to attract into your life?

Enough with the questions – let me close with a recommendation.  Years ago, I read a great book by Evatt called – Givers and Takers.  Let me summarize one of the key premises.

Givers tend to attract takers into their life because they need people to give to.  Takers tend to attract givers because they need people who will give to them.  The worst relationships are two takers, a taker working for a taker, a taker buying from a taker and/or a taker married to a taker - got it?  Why – because they never get what they want no matter how hard they keep trying. The best relationships are two givers – two spouses that are givers, two friends that are givers, a giver employee working for a giver boss and why?  Because they both get what they want or need but it’s not because they ask for it, deserve it or want it but because they both give to give not to get.

So – are you a giver or a taker?  No – not what you think you are because it’s how you want others to define you – what are you really?  If you are a taker – got the courage to admit it?

Selling and The Four Agreements

Selling and the four agreements.

Tim Connor

Before I get started, if you have never read the best-selling book, The Four Agreements by M. Ruiz, I urge you to buy it today and spend the next few days devouring his very wise counsel.  Off all the books I have read during my life this is still one of my all-time favorites.  So, what do the four agreements have to do with selling?  First the four agreements are;

-Be impeccable with your word.

-Make no assumptions.

-Take nothing personal.

-Always do your best.

Let’s look at what these simple concepts (they may be simple, but they can have a profound impact on the quality of your life) have to do with selling as a career.

-Be impeccable with your word. Essentially this agreement deals with the integrity of your word or what you say, how you say it and when you say it.  When you lack this integrity, you will tend to say what you feel is in the best interests of your ego or your need to succeed, look good to others or even be accepted by others.  Selling is not about words but building and maintaining trust and when your words lack integrity or authenticity you will tend to send mixed and even wrong messages to others. Not a great way to succeed in any profession – especially sales.

It is often difficult to always be impeccable with your word as we all have a variety of agendas, needs and desires we want satisfied or filled. There are also numerous situations and circumstances that can be totally out of our control, like; distribution, finance department, customer service, product quality etc.  But if you want to maintain relationships grounded in trust this agreement is the foundation of all four agreements.

-Make no assumptions.  We all make assumptions.  We make them to satisfy our own fears, needs, objectives or agendas.  An assumption is nothing more than an expectation of what you feel will happen, should happen, you need to happen, is happening or happened from your own very personal and yes prejudiced perspectives.

When you make an assumption and you act accordingly you will set yourself and your client and customer up for frustration, disappointment and often regret and even disloyalty.

When you assume your prospect likes your product or service because they said so and you don’t follow-up with affirming questions you are assuming they are telling you the truth or the whole story.  When you assume that someone is not interested in your product or service because they are difficult to connect with, again you are assuming something that may be true but is not grounded in evidence but a guess on your part.  If you assume a client is happy with their purchase because they don’t tell you otherwise, this is a setup for disaster. Making assumptions in selling are a recipe for personal failure.

-Take nothing personal. We all have egos and we all have needs and expectations about how others should treat us, respond to us or communicate with us.  It’s common for someone to take a simple comment, email or even text message from another person in the wrong way or even be hurt by something that was communicated that was not meant or given with a hurtful intention but was interpreted in that way.  We take things personal because we want and yes, many people even crave, acceptance by others.  As a result, we tend to avoid people who we feel do not respect or honor us and our experience, knowledge or even our just being alive.

In sales taking things that others do, personally, will cause you to spend a great deal of personal time reflecting on your weaknesses, failures, problems or inadequacies.  Everyone has a right to their own opinions, interpretations or assumptions about you but keep in mind just because they have them doesn’t mean they are right or even a close description of us.  One of the major areas where these impacts salespeople is in the area of rejection.  When you are rejected the general first response is to take it personal.  This is a mistake.  Yes, the person may be rejecting you, but the point is, this rejection is coming from their frame of reference or their reality or impression about you and not the reality – who you really are.  To take others actions or words personally is to give them power over you - who you are, what you believe, how you behave etc.   

-Always do your best. Doing your best is often a function of a variety of factors.  If you are tired, stressed out, living in discouragement or are fearful of some situation - these mindsets will influence your ability to do your best.  If you feel insecure or you have low self-esteem you will tend to not do your best.  If you have a need to please others more than please yourself – you will tend not to do your best.  Doing your best doesn’t mean perfection or even doing it right or according to someone’s else’s expectations, needs or agendas - it means simply doing the best you can with what you have, know or believe.  Doing your best today doesn’t mean you won’t do it better tomorrow and doing your best doesn’t mean that what you do will always please others but doing your best allows you to look in the mirror and smile and say to yourself – I did my best - and mean it.

Doing your best in sales simply means that you always perform as well as you can regardless of how new you are to the profession, how much disappointment or previous failure you have experienced and always giving the best you can to every prospect and client.  If you haven’t read it - read it.

Re-invent or become obsolete and history

Is it time to re-invent or transition your business? 

The world is a different place than it was in 1980.  If you have been in business for more than twenty years and are dong things they way you did when you started or even just five years ago – beware – times are changing faster than at any time in history and it’s only going to get worse do you have a choice – circle the wagons and keep doing what you have been doing for years or let go of conventional wisdom, sacred cows and traditional thinking and reinvent – yourself, your business, your association, your church – everything – or accept being left behind and losing everything.

Over the years I have worked with many organizations who for whatever reasons, decided that they needed to re-invent itself in order to remain a competitive and profitable enterprise in the marketplace.

During the same period, I have also observed hundreds of organizations that obviously needed to re-invent themselves but for whatever reasons failed to do so.  Let’s take a brief look at five of the critical areas that will have an impact on this process and will determine whether your re-invention is an exercise in futility or a successful transition.

What do I mean when I use the term - re-invent/transition?

Re-invent, re-discover, re-new, start over, begin again – the terms do not matter, what does are the attitudes, values, prejudices, opinions, expectations, fears, needs, desires and values of the owner or senior management who will ultimately drive the process.  Having said that, to me, when an organization needs to re-invent itself, for whatever reason, it implies that what was or used to be, is no longer working, effective, profitable or competitive.  It is time for one or more new: policies, strategies, structures, methods, procedures, expectations, rules, behaviors, leadership, direction, focus and even employees –  and probably all of them.

When is the right time to re-invent/transition your organization?

My experience tells me, that, the pain for management or the organization has to be significant enough, however this pain is manifested, before executives or management becomes willing to set a new course and transition its organization.  Unfortunately, because of; arrogance, ignorance, ego or all of the three, many organizations either never do it or recognize the need far too late and become just another business statistic or illustration of a bad example in some author’s book.  The time to re-invent is before you need to.  The time to do it is every year - at a minimum and maybe even every month.  Better to regularly condition your employees for consistent constructive and positive change and growth than to try and turn a battleship (your organization) around in a small harbor in twenty minutes with a less than motivated staff because they are not ready, equipped, motivated or interested in doing so.

How do you re-invent/transition your organization?

Let’s see if I can summarize one of my all-day seminars here in just a few sentences.  If you are not willing to seriously embrace, at a minimum, each of these steps, I recommend you save your money and let the market place decide your ultimate fate.

1)    You must be willing to let go of the day-to-day details that will drive this process.

2)    You must lock your ego and your prejudices and expectations in the closet.

3)    You must be committed to see the process through to its conclusion, no matter how long it takes or what it costs.

4)    You must empower your management team to implement and inspect the transition process - you can’t do it alone and still run the business. If you can you have bigger problems than this transition, believe me.

5)    You don’t lose your tradition al or fundamental values.

6)    You must trust your employees to pull the transition off.

7)    You need to lead the process, not manage it.

8)    You need to accurately assess your; willingness to change, let go, delegate, empower and live with the consequences.

9)    You should hire an outside resource to ensure that the above items are adhered to.  Your employees are not going to do it all without some impartial guidance and/or creativity.

10)You need to be an encourager and a champion of this process in both easy         and hard times.

11)  There’s a lot more, trust me but you would be amazed at how few organizations can do most or even in some cases any of the above.

        

Who should be involved in the re-invention/transition process?

This one is easy - anyone who can contribute ideas, reality, information, inspiration, creativity, value, feedback, accountability, integrity or support to the process and I mean everyone.

What will the new organization look like after the re-invention/transition process is complete?

It’s anyone’s guess.  In a rapidly changing world it is becoming increasingly difficult if not impossible to accurately forecast future outcomes. All you can do is remain flexible, open, receptive and willing to make change your partner and the partner of your organization.

So, it’s a choice – stay stuck and hope you survive or reinvent and get ahead or at a minimum stay with the trends and the curves ahead.

Failure to have an exit strategy is stupid.

Exit Strategies or is it Time to Pull the Trigger

Tim Connor

I can’t tell you how many times I have observed clients; develop new products, create new policies, acquire other companies, expand to new market areas and promote certain people when these were destined to fail either dramatically over time or shortly after the new decision was made. Or, people make a decision not feeling sure of the outcome as planned or hoped. Very little in life always turns out the way we want, need or hope or even feel we deserve and why? Well, folks it’s called – life.

Sooner or later some of our initiatives personally or in our career or business will fail.  Nothing in the future is guaranteed.  The major question is however – if we embark on this – something new – what are our chances of success or failure and how will the critical aspects involved impact the outcome?

You would be amazed at how many decisions for doing something new or different are made every day by millions of people who lack an exit strategy in the event things don’t turn out as they planned or hoped.

Before I share a few insights let me share that during my life and career I can’t tell you how many things went wrong or ended badly - whether a new enterprise, a new product, a new marketing approach, starting a new relationship (business or personal) or as simple as on a few occasions just buying a new product.  Been there?  If not I’ll bet you are either in denial or you are just sitting safely in front of your TV day after day.

What is an exit strategy?

Some people might refer to an exit strategy as a Plan B or even C but I’m not referring here to approaches that keep you involved in the same journey or direction but of letting go of the plan or strategy completely and moving on.

Yes, sometimes all that is needed to make something work is a new approach or change in some of the details but in the end consider the possibility that the plan is not working because it is a signal that it is time to let it go and move on to something else or new.

An effective exit strategy should be in place as a part of the original plan that have benchmarks in place that tell you if they are not being met you have two options – change the plan or end it.  Ending it is never easy especially if you have your ego vested in it from the beginning and this is far too common when people can’t let go when it’s obvious they should.

Please keep in mind I’m not giving you permission to quit or move on too soon without adequate effort, commitment, resources having been invested but there are times when it is time to let go.  I’m also not suggesting that you shouldn’t start something new that you are not sure will end as planned – but that there are times when throwing more money, time, resources or people at an initiative is naive or just plain stupid.  So how do you know whether or when you should keep on keeping on or pull the plug?

It depends on three factors –

Do you have the continued resources to see this through to the end no matter what the outcomes or how long it takes?

Do you have the commitment to see it through regardless of the pain, disruption or disappointment you are experiencing or may in the future?

Do you have the confidence, courage and will to see it through regardless of the uncertainties along the way?

Why do you need one?

Starting anything without an exit strategy in place before you begin just sets you up for frustration, stress, disappointment or anxiety assuming that your plans or effort will achieve their desired results.  This is just plain crazy and how do I know?  I’ll bet during your life, business or career you have ended something to late or wish you had pulled the plug or maybe not even starting it knowing what you know now.  Therein lies the problem – we can’t guarantee outcomes – we can only plan, work and hope but in the end there are always circumstances we can’t control. An exit strategy just gives you the timing, approach or reasons as to when to end something.  Without this I will guarantee you will invest too much of something trying to make it work and let’s face it – some things just don’t work.  The question ultimately is – how much and what are you willing to lose if it doesn’t work out the way you need it to, to be ultimately a successful enterprise, decision or action?

“Affairs are easier of entrance than of exit and it is but common prudence to see our way out before we venture in.”

 Aesop

How much time do you have left?

How much time do you have?

Tim Connor

And . . . I’m not referring to your “TO DO” list for today or this week or taking the latest and greatest time-management seminar to get tips on how to manage time (managing time - a myth by the way – but I’ll save that and your time for a future article).

Regarding the title - not teasing you with morbidity – just realistic, practical and/or as genuine as possible.

Last year I lost 4 close friends between the ages of 50 and 90 and none of them saw it coming.  How about you – could you be next? Again – not being negative or morose – just asking you to consider a simple question – if today was your last day – would/could you leave here; contented, without regret, peaceful, satisfied and with a positive legacy or the opposite of many of these?

While you are reading this, and I don’t really care whether you are 25, 50 or 100+ cause the question is the same for all of you – let me repeat – if today was your last one – how would you leave here and what would you leave behind?

“Tim, it sure sounds morose.” – sorry – we are all going to die and none of us has the privilege of knowing when, where or how.  So, let’s talk a little about how you are living so when it’s your turn, you’ll be ready if you aren’t today.

There are a few life fundamentals that everyone wants in life – happiness, security, health and love (given and received).  Yes, there are may others for some people – wealth, fame, power, control, reputation, lots of friends, nice cars and homes, beautiful and handsome spouses and perfect kids etc.  Problem is if you haven’t figured it out yet – you’ll never have everything or all of the ones you think you need - to have a contented, happy, peaceful life.  Bet I lost a few of you with this remark!

Don’t believe me – tell me one person you know that has it all (and with these people you think that do – do you know what goes on behind closed doors in their lives – do you know what they worry about – do you know their stressors?).

Or, maybe you think you have it all. Well if this is true 1) trust me - either have really low standards, needs, expectations in every or many areas of your life 2) you are perfect or just maybe – 3) you have figured out what it takes (FYI – this one puts you in the minority) to live a contented life and no matter when your time will be up – you will be ok with it.

Some of you might be interpreting this article from a spiritual perspective and that is perfectly legitimate but that is not my primary focus although it is a critical piece of living and leaving with an “I’m OK and ready to go” mindset.  But, I’ll save that one for another time.  For now, I want to focus on what I refer to as “Life’s Ten Essentials” for a contented life and a positive legacy.

Before I give them to you if you don’t know what they are, let me repeat - the spiritual piece of life is vital and even if you have all of the following without it you may find it difficult to live and leave peacefully but it isn’t my intent to preach in this article but FYI - I do in many others.  Ok, here are what I believe are the ten essentials for a contented life (and yes, there could be many others (these are just mine).  It’s not my intention to tell you how to live, (I don’t have - nor does anyone else have that right) for me - I am far from perfect or ideal. Having said all this, if you think any or all of them are on target and you are willing to take a few minutes to clarify them from your perspective – why not jot down a few notes or write a sentence or two about what these mean to you and generally how you think you are doing.  At the least a few additional trigger words that come to mind when you consider each of them.

Back to the title – regardless of how much time you may or may not have how do you want your legacy to read ? ? ?

They are in no special order;

Appreciation or I Deserve This –

Gratitude or You Owe Me –

Other or Self Focused –

Integrity or Whatever It Takes –

Giving or Greed –

Humility or Prideful - 

Forgiveness or Blame & Anger –

Letting Go or Staying stuck –

Balance or Single focused life –

Faith or It’s All My Doing –

Learn anything???  

The perils of comparrison

The Perils of Comparison

Tim Connor

 I can’t tell you how many people I have met during my world travels when only after a few minutes of conversation they started comparing themselves to someone or something else.  A competitor, a celebrity, a fellow employee or even someone they didn’t even know.

Why do we need personal validation by comparison? Why do we need to feel better or worthier than others?  And why can’t we accept who we are, what we have accomplished, our flaws and mistakes, our failures and disappointments without the ego’s need to compare and look better than others?

As a global speaker for many years I have observed this trait is especially true of many people in my profession, but believe me - we are not unique. I can’t tell you how many business people I have met who have to tell some story about who they are better than, smarter than and/or more accomplished than others they know and even those they don’t know in some way.

Trust me – you don’t have to be the smartest, best looking, wealthiest or most famous person in the room to feel good about yourself. So why are so many people stuck in this comparison mode whether subtly or overtly “in your face”?

Not to brag here (that is not my intent) but I want to make a simple statement – during my career as an international bestselling author (over 80 books) and a global speaker (25 countries) my intent and goal was never fame and let me state that I have been very successful in achieving this goal.  Go ahead laugh.

Life is not about what others think of you or you think of others.  And if it is - trust me you will never find contentment, inner peace or happiness because there will always be someone out there smarter, better and wealthier etc. than you in some way – always!

Have you ever noticed that when people generally compare themselves to others they either use someone less successful or someone who they can criticize whether this person deserves it or not?

I can also tell you that many of my heroes – to mention just a few – Og Mandino, Mark Twain, Will Rogers, Jesus, Winston Churchill, Mother Teresa and Charlie Tremendous Jones - comparison was not in their DNA.

What they all had in common was the humility and the desire to contribute in their own special way to the value of humanity and life in general.

Let me ask you – have you ever compared yourself to others to try and convince yourself that you were better in some way or just to make yourself feel OK about yourself?  Come on – be honest here.

Why do we need to compare?  Is it insecurity, an overcharged ego, the need for approval, the desire to please or simply the fact that we can’t admit that we all have flaws and/or weaknesses in our thoughts, actions, decisions and behaviors in some way?

I challenge you for the next couple of weeks as you talk with others to observe their comparisons or your own during conversations and then ask yourself – why? Why do I need to do this?  Why do they need to do this?  Try it you will be amazed at how frequently we are all guilty of this simple yet rather stupid trait.  Stupid you say Tim?  Yep, cause what do you think you really accomplish with all of these comparisons? More or less respect?  More or less fame?  More or less self-satisfaction? More or less something_______?  Sorry!!!

What is the source of your personal value?

Your value – it’s source is –

Tim Connor

Each of us has a self-perception of our own personal value.  Some people use money, wealth and net worth while others use position, power or influence and still others us legacy, fame and reputation or status.  But there are also many who measure or value themselves based on service, humility, generosity and modesty.  Have you got an opinion which of these are better or more valuable to define you?  Better still – which ones do you use as a self-measurement?  Even better still (I know getting old) how do you think most people who know you reasonably well, would define you?  Could be scary.

As a global speaker in front of over several thousand people every year I have often wondered what categories many or most (not just a small few) people would put me in or use to define me.  Again, could be really scary.

“So, Tim, where are you going with this article – I’ve got other stuff on my plate today”. In a hurry?  Maybe we should add that one to your definition or one of your categories or how about - impatient, hurry-er, never enough time person, workaholic, Type A – I won’t bore you with others as I’ve either lost by now you or you are laughing).

OK to my point – we all have or use certain benchmarks, tools, definitions or values etc. we use to ‘self-value-measure’ ourselves – here are just a few to consider.  Why not ask yourself how you measure yourself or how does this area influence your life – could be an interesting exercise! PS: I’m not going into a lot of detail on these – they are just meant to be emotional or mental triggers to get you thinking or self-evaluating.

Here’s just a brief summary of a few of the more common ones;

-Who you are – Your birth date, where you grew up, education history, how you were raised, siblings, how you were treated as a child - etc.

-What you have accomplished – Education, degrees, inventions, businesses started, competitions, climbed mount Everest or done nothing significant – etc.

-Memberships – clubs, organizations, civic clubs, community organizations, school clubs or belong to nothing - etc.

-Your spiritual outlook – a Christian, agnostic, atheist, believer, Jewish, some other values, not sure – etc.

-Accolades or special awards – professional designations, special community awards or recognitions, retirement awards, military designations, political, special degrees or none – etc.

-Where you live – what state, city, special development, private lot, condo in resort city, farm or country – etc.

-What you own – size of your home, how many homes, how many cars, special toys (boats, planes, RVs) jewelry, wardrobe – etc.

-What you drive – vintage car, expensive car, piece of crap – etc.

-What you know – education, degrees, special courses, books you have read, special designations or awards, the size of your library – etc.

-Charities you have helped – or not helped, this one is obvious.

-What makes you happy or content – people, activities, sports, entertainment, family, travel, success, life in general or nothing – etc.

-How you have succeeded – could be financial, position, professional, age when you did it, a combination of accomplishments or accomplished little of value – etc.

-What you do – career, home body, mother, teacher, retired, volunteer, CEO, world traveler or couch and TV potato – etc.

-Where you are going – your future career, your next vacation, your next relationship, your next anything or your next nothing – etc.

-Where you have been – past failures, past successes, past mistakes, past anything – etc.

-Who you know – special friends, no friends, neighbors, famous people – etc.

-Who knows you – same as above.

-Your special skills/talents – music, hobbies, wisdom, talents, writing, artwork or you don’t have any – etc.

-Your beliefs/values – what are your standards, benchmarks, expectations, desires, goals, dreams, fantasies, hopes, fears, worries - etc.

-Who you are with – your spouse, your family, your friends, your employees, your customers, your business partners your or you are alone and have no one – etc.

-Who you have helped/guided – mentored, coached, counseled, children, family, friends, employees, customers, students or no one– etc.

-What you are worth – your stuff, your toys, your investments, your experience, your knowledge – etc.

I don’t know about you but I’m tired of these lists so let me leave you with two questions – if you finished this article – what mental triggers were created or tugged at as a result of anything you read?  What are you going to do about it and how it impacts your life in 2018 and beyond?