Is your life turning out the way you really, deeply want it to?

Is your life turning out the way you

really, deeply want it to?

Tim Connor

One evening last month while reading a book by one of my favorite authors, John Eldredge, titled – “The Journey of Desire”, he asked me to put the book down for a few minutes and ask myself the following question – “Will my life ever be what I so deeply want it to be, in a way that cannot be lost?”

Well, to be honest, it took me more than a minute to ponder this question. I have been thinking about it for weeks so I started wondering if other people, when asked the same question would just click past it instantly or would some folks actually decide that the question deserved some insightful, enlightened and honest consideration.

So, if the question triggers any emotion inside you, I hope the following will help you take that inner journey in a productive way.  If you don’t give a rip – have a nice life and hit the “next” button on your device.

I am not using any of John’s material in this article other than his original question – what follows is my personal take on the importance of this question and the thoughts, ideas, questions or emotions it might bring to the surface in you and for you.

I have been on this highway of life for more years than I often like to admit, and the journey has had its share of amazing opportunities and successes and devastating and life-changing failures and disappointments. But as I have traveled from one year to the next, sure I had goals, plans, dreams, hopes, and desires but many of them they just sort of stayed on the sidelines as I traveled the world speaking and training audiences in twenty-six countries.

In addition - as an author of over seventy-five books including a million-seller and a few international bestsellers I kept preaching to others what life was teaching me the good, the bad and the ugly – and again often not heeding my own wisdom, lessons, and experience.

So here I sit – asking myself – “Is my life turning out the way I really, deeply want it to?” And the answer – yes and no.  And it’s the no’s that cause the most pain and even tears. Sure, I’m happy with the yes’s – who wouldn’t be?  

And just to be clear this article is not a cathartic release of all of my mistakes and frustrations to earn either your pity or your scorn, I just want to share the value both short and long term as well as the potential personal insights that can alter or change the direction or trajectory of some area of your life.

I would like to offer just five quick areas regarding this question for your consideration.

1)Adversity or a blessing - In life, sooner or later, we all have to overcome adversity, challenges,  and pain of some kind but we also all have known many blessings, too many to count in this article, suffice it to say that if you are reading this you have had more positives than negatives during your life so far, but often these outcomes can depend on how you choose to define or interpret the idea of – negative & positive. Regardless of the number of negatives, you may feel you have experienced I will guarantee you have had far more blessings. So, the question becomes – have you let any of the negatives get in the way of achieving or reaching your life desires at this point in your life as you hoped they would have turned out by now? If so – which ones and why?

2)Your response to stuff you didn’t ask for - There are three ways in life to deal with disappointments, setbacks or failures – accept them, deny them or learn from them. The first two unfortunately often cause us to remain stuck in the past, settle for what is rather than what could be, and many times retreat back to previous safe zones, attitudes or mindsets that will ensure we never achieve our hopes, desires or dreams.  The only way to keep moving forward is to accept the reality of life’s problems or challenges as necessary to become wiser, better or stronger.  And without this life approach, it is assured that dreams and desires will always be that – just dreams and desires that you hope one day will show up just because you showed up.  Sorry – that’s not the way it works, and I can say from personal experience that just showing up isn’t enough.

3)Do dreams really matter - Sometimes our dreams or desires are just beyond our reality of what we are willing to pay or sacrifice or do to have them become real for us. This doesn’t mean we should only dream for what we feel might be right or possible, but it does mean we need to make the adjustments necessary, learn the appropriate skills or accept the lack of success with poise and maturity.

4)Who or what can you trust - Sometimes life seems to know what is better for us in the future than we do. What do I mean by life in the previous sentence? Life for each of us is a series of accidents, situations, people, events, and outcomes that we all get.  Some of these can teach us while others can cause disappointment and pain.  Some help us grow while others keep us stuck.  As these various circumstances come into our life whether a flat tire or a new lasting relationship, a new career or a serious health challenge they give us the opportunity to do three things – 1a)Learn from them, b)Deny or avoid them and c)Ask life simply – “what am I supposed to do with this?” In the end we all get inner guidance regardless of what you want to call it; Devine help, Universal Consciousness, Hunches, Insight – whatever – in the end life is a teacher and sends us all kinds of stuff and people to help us learn.  Does this mean life is a “person or God, or Alien?”  

Again, call it what you will but let me ask you – have you ever wondered what to do with a situation or challenge and you got this inner message and you didn’t follow it and things got screwed up?  Ever gotten this inner message and followed it and things worked out in your favor? Well, what was this inner voice?  I don’t have a clue but what I do know is we can trust it or ignore it and which approach do you think might, in the end, be the best?

5)When it’s over it’s over – We are all given so many years to yearn, hope, desire, dream, wonder and yes, work, play and yes experience a wide variety of life outcomes.  But in the end how our personal journey progress whether towards our desires or far from them is a combination of a wide variety of choices, decisions, actions, beliefs, etc.  Here’s part of the problem, we don’t have a clue as to where these choices and decisions will lead us or end up.  

We don’t have the slightest knowledge of who we let into our life and who let go of how these choices will impact us over the long term. In the end, this is a good life strategy because can you imagine what your life would be like if you could plan every action, step and choice and control the outcomes?  I know what you are thinking – “yes, I would love this privilege – I could determine the quality of my life and my destiny.” But what if your choices were limited by negative emotions or attitudes like fear, regret or the lack of experience or knowledge or even accurate information – do you think you could make some wrong moves?

In the end, we are all “out of here” at some point so the real question is – are you living each day doing your best to make the best of that day or assuming you will fix or change things tomorrow?  Good luck with that one.

Yes, there are other reasons why as time and the years pass that we fail to achieve the life that we really wanted deep in our Heart and Soul, but from personal experience, someone who has not achieved the life I thought in every way one day would be mine, I can  admit with humility, gratitude, and honesty that I have often wished my present would be different and my past would have had less chaos, dysfunction, and frustration, but I am the one who got me here and I am the one who made the decisions and choices of the past so like it or not – blame, finger-pointing and even anger won’t change a thing. As my daughter is fond of saying, “Dad, it is what it is – deal with it.”  Don’t you hate it when what you teach others at some point comes back at you from them – or is it just me who has to deal with this stuff?

Today – what if it was your last one!

Today – what if it was your last one!

Tim Connor

I know, the title might sound a bit morbid but think about it, today is the last day for over 7500 people who live in the US.  Add other countries to the results – and the number is over 150,000.  WOW – and one of these today – wasn’t you!  Over 6500 US citizens are currently turning 65 every day . . . are you one of them?  Well, if you are lucky someday you will be.  So, Tim, where are you going with this article?  That question after less than 15 seconds of your life is exactly the point I will try and make. So, to save some of your time so you don’t have to read the entire article since I’m sure you have better or more important things to browse on your phone or computer . . . let’s assume for a moment you don’t have another tomorrow.  

Yes, you have had all of your yesterdays but today is your last day. Will you spend it on your device browsing Facebook, Twitter, etc.?  Will you spend it in front of the TV watching your favorite sports team?  Will you spend it working out at your local gym?  Will you spend it at work earning money that you will never get to spend? Stupid questions or assumptions? No – remember I said today is the last one you get here and then it’s . . . . Bye Bye. 

So, I’ll ask you one more time, how will you spend today if you knew it was your last one?

OK, now you can go back to whatever it was you were doing or want to do instead of reading. For everyone else, I would like you to consider a few basic premises. You can agree or disagree with any or all of them – your choice:

One – sooner or later we will be one of the above statistics – we are out of here.

Two – No one knows when, how or where it will end for them.

Three – You will leave here with some regrets and some unfinished business.

Four – It’s only a matter of time before you and your life will no longer be at the forefront of other’s lives you left behind.

Five – Where you are headed next will be related to how you lived while you were here.

Six – While here you touched some people in a positive way and others in a negative way.

Seven – On your last day you can’t fix all the mistakes or failures you made while here.

Eight – You will never know what legacy you left behind you.

I’ll let you come up with numbers nine and ten . . .

Nine –

Ten –

Life is short and fragile and it’s unfortunate that far too many of us, and I include myself in this group, wait far too long to fix things, change things, do things, undo things, etc. And for many of us, we will never have that opportunity, so I would like to leave you with three quick thoughts: If you knew ahead of time you were leaving today – 1) what would you try and fix? 2)Who would you spend your time with and 3) How would you spend your time with them?

Don’t wait too long or put too much stuff off till later– none of us knows the when . . .

Do you need an encourager in your life?

Do you need an encouragers in your life?

Tim Connor

Do you need an encourager in your life now? Ever needed one in the past? Are you an encourager? Just so we are on the same page if you decide to read this article - an encourager is someone who – guess what – yes, encourages others. But, is there more to the idea of being an encourager?  Yes, and I know firsthand what role an encourager can have in our life when we are heading in the wrong direction, hitting bottom or just feel like no one cares.

During my years I have had many occasions when I was in desperate need of encouragement rather than invalidation. And, on some occasions, these people showed up and, on many occasions, I was left alone to navigate life’s challenges, trials, adversity and failures alone.  I have learned both the hard way and the easy way the importance of having encouragers in our lives when we need them.

How about you – ever had to deal with a life issue alone and no one was in your corner or maybe even no one who cared? I can tell you if you have never been there that these times can be very trying life circumstances that can stretch us to our limits of faith, patience, hope, and belief forcing us to reach deep and find something we didn’t even know we had.

What is the role of an encourager?

Encouragers are not in our lives to pave the way forward so that we can aimlessly wander through life’s circumstances, lessons and challenges without effort, learning, fear or even guaranteed success. Encouragers are teachers.  

They are caring and compassionate souls who want to help us learn life’s lessons with as little pain and trauma as possible but they are not in our lives to help us avoid what life wants and needs us to learn so we can be productive humans regardless of our roles, responsibilities or opportunities. 

Encourages can cheer us on, root for us and listen to our concerns and needs but their role is not to remove the learning from our lives that is necessary to master so we can grow and become productive in whatever fashion we have chosen.

Encouragers don’t remove the pain or drama from our life, but they help us to find the inner courage, belief, and resilience to handle it, manage it, overcome it and yes learn from it.

Who can be an encourager?

Encouragers can be family, friends, co-workers, customers and even total strangers. I can recall years ago sitting in an airport waiting to board a flight when I was having a conversation with a total stranger. FYI – ever had one of those – where you shared intimate inner fears, dreams, plans, hopes or frustrations with a total stranger who you knew you would never see again?  Happens all the time and why?  We all need times to share, express and cathart and if we don’t have people in our routine lives who can fill this role, we will reach out to anyone and everyone from time to time.

Back to my example – I shared with them the frustration of dealing with a challenging client that I had been working with for years.  They listened respectfully as I went on for what seemed forever, and they finally asked a simple question.  “Why are you tolerating this behavior and not just cutting the cord and moving on?”  This is not what I thought I wanted to hear or felt I needed to hear but it was what they chose to share, and you know what – in reality, it was exactly what I needed to hear.

I could have shared this with a spouse at the time or a few good friends and peers but was unable to admit the frustration to them so I just kept it bottled up inside me to the detriment of other relationships and activities in my life that kept deteriorating due to my lack of ability or willingness to address the issue. Finally, with the help of a total stranger, I was able to move one.

Ever been there? How about family, friends and even neighbors who from time to time are needed to help us weather life's storms?

How can we handle stuff when we don’t have an encouraged in our life?

Trials, tribulations, adversity, disappointment, failure, etc. are all a normal part of living.  To deny them is to be naive and immature. So, what are we to do when they strike with or without warning? There are dozens of ways to manage life’s negative circumstances and while some are more efficient than others many can be a waste of time, energy and even resources.

Enter the encourager, someone who can help you, support you, believe in you, teach you, encourage you and care.  No one likes going through adversity alone especially when we are unable to see clearly the resources, solutions or answers that are obvious and right in front of us.

No one wants to feel abandoned or without someone who cares when life’s negatives show up on our doorstep. We all need emotional support from time to time regardless of our age, gender, financial status or education.

Without encouragers in our lives during challenging times we will tend to overreact, fall into depression, feel hopeless, make dumb decisions or just isolate ourselves from the world.

Encouragers are an important part of our lives and believe me having gone through many negative life experiences alone I treasure a few of the encouragers I have had during my life.  “Thant you – each and every one of you.”

What does it take to be an encourager for others?

I’ll keep this final question short and to the point.  To be an encourager you need some or many of the following traits, characteristics, attitudes, beliefs, values, etc.

-You care about the influence you have on others.

-You believe in the value of the human spirit in others.

-You do not have a selfish bone in your body.

-You always put others ahead of yourself.

- You have a giving spirit.

- You want to leave a legacy of service.

- You have the ability, to be honest even when the message might be perceived as negative.

- You have healthy self-esteem.

- You don’t need the approval of others to feel personal value.

- You are a listener.

- You do not have personal agendas whole encouraging others.

Yes there are many others but these are a few of the basics.

Got any of these traits? 

The path of least resistance.

The path of least resistance.

Tim Connor

Have you ever noticed that at certain times of your life everything seems to flow smoothly and easily – you are in the groove, while at other times, no matter what you do or don’t do, how hard to try or how long you strive, everything just falls apart while you watch in amazement as life seems to deteriorate while you are getting what you don’t feel or believe you deserve or have asked for?

I know that feeling, folks – I have been in both places many times during my life. Getting in the groove is a wonderful place to be, and spending time in a rut is just not fun or rewarding and often humiliating.

What are a few of the causes, symptoms, results, negative consequences, feelings, attitudes and benefits of both? That’s a book but let me share just a few quick points. Yes, there can be benefits to being in a rut, and yes, there can be negative consequences to being in the groove.

The path of least resistance doesn’t mean:

- you sit around and wait for your ship to come in

- you hope someone else will deliver success/happiness to your doorstep

- success will come because you have worked hard all of your life up to this      point

- you are guaranteed whatever you want because you were born with the          right  genes  or environment

- you are guaranteed success because you were born into the right family

- you will easily get everything you want because you just deserve it

- no bumps in the road

- everything has to be perfect every time, every relationship and even every      day

The path of least resistance does mean:

- life is more fulfilling when you do what you love

- life is more fun & rewarding when you control your emotions

- you will achieve more if you know what you want

- you will achieve your dreams if you never give in or quit

- you roll just as easily with the curves as you do the straight-aways

- you enjoy the trip one day at a time or even one minute at a time

- your outcomes are not just up to you

Are you in the groove right now, or are you struggling to get out of a rut or hole?

Regardless, learn that every obstacle, plateau, bump in the road, achievement, failure, or success is not about what is happening - but what you are learning from it and how you are growing because of it.

If you are in a rut today: ask yourself – how did I get here and what can I learn while I am here?

If you are in the groove today: ask yourself – how did I get here and what can I learn while I am here?

Get it, regardless of the circumstances or consequences you are experiencing now - the lesson is the same; life is about learning, growing, becoming and giving.  It is not about selfishness, narcissism, control, taking and thinking or believing you are ever the smartest person in the room.

In the end, life is here to teach us what it wants us to learn while we are taking the journey.  It is very patient and will keep sending us teachers; people, events, circumstances, challenges, problems and yes achievements until we finally – get it – we are here to learn – not; whine, brag, complain or act like the world owes us anything.

So if you are in the groove – learn.  If you are in a rut – learn.

Are your sales reults not living up to your expectations? There are five basic reasons . . .

Are your sales results not living up to your expectations?

There are five basic reasons . . .

Tim Connor

There are many reasons why sales effort, a lot of time, allocation of many resources, planning and so much more can still lead to slow and even poor sales results.  Having been observing and teaching sales strategies and practices around the world for over thirty-five years and witnessing numerous stupid as well as genius tactics used by individuals and organizations I believe there are five basic reasons why sales decline or are in a slump regardless of the economy, industry, consumer desires, and competitive philosophies, etc.

Many sales trainers and sales experts might suggest that it’s just poor execution of Sales 101 – prospecting skills, poor presentation skills or the inability to effectively disarm objections and close sales.  Although all of these traditional sales methodologies are important, I believe that even if you have all of these and lack the following five you will never achieve sustained increased sales results and income. I’ll keep this simple.

Here are the five reasons –

-A lack of consistent execution of a proven process.

-Reliance on a single marketing approach.

-Poor product/service messaging.

-Over or underuse of specific communication techniques.

-A lack of execution integrity.

-A lack of consistent execution of a proven process.

To achieve sustained and lasting success a process is required.  It doesn’t matter if it’s cooking in the kitchen, operating in the hospital or building on a construction site.  Wherever you see success I will guarantee there is a process that is consistently being followed to ensure positive results.

The sales process is no different.  If one minute you are selling this way and the next minute you are selling differently - I will guarantee you will get inconsistent results.  Let me give you a quick example.

Let’s say you have a prospect who needs and wants your product or service and you have been trained to sell it a certain way.  But you have decided because this person seems more available or affinitive to you - you decide to adjust your approach and get a bit more friendly than normal, open or whatever – as a result, you create a different sales environment that deviates from your standard approach – one you are unfamiliar with and one the prospect may feel is a bit forward.  You have abandoned your process.  

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you shouldn’t tailor your sales message to the style or interests of each prospect, what I’m saying is if and when you abandoned proven sales techniques, strategies, and approaches for something new or different you will get less than historical proven positive outcomes.

I’m not implying that any or all processes are successful or the best approach or that any process should not be open to change, improvement and updating.  And, I don’t want my heart surgeon sticking with the process when it’s his or her instincts to adjust or adapt but I do want them to stick with protocols when situations or circumstances warrant it.

If you don’t have and stick with a proven sales process, I will guarantee you live with a great deal of frustration, uncertainty, unknowns, disappointment and even regret from time to time.

-Reliance on a single marketing approach.

Yes, you need a website if you want to succeed and compete.  Yes, you need to do Public Relations from time to time.  Yes, advertising can help your sales efforts. Yes, emails are necessary occasionally and yes, you also need to pick up the phone once in a while.  Get it – You need a successful blending process when it comes to marketing and its support and endorsement of your sales efforts.

When sales efforts rely on a single marketing approach, they will achieve fewer positive responses.  When sales activity is not foreshadowed with some market exposure or not supported by follow-up activity you are relying only on the efforts of the sales effort.  To get better and more consistent positive results from any sales actions it is a wise move to have both pre and post-sales activity that reinforces the basic fundamental sales message and customer benefits.  Think about it – if salesperson A shows up for an appointment to sell – whatever – and the prospect has never heard of his or her organization or product or service – they have got a lot of work to do.  When salesperson B shows up for their appointment and the prospect viewed one billboard, heard one radio ad and read one ad on a website they were searching prior to the sales meeting – which of the two appointments do you think will tend to have a better chance of success?

-Poor product/service messaging.

Have you ever watched a product or service commercial and when it was finished you were shaking your head thinking – “what was that all about?”  Well, I have - almost every day.  I’m not sure how some of these stupid ads make it past management but someone needs to wake them up- they are stupid and don’t do the product or service justice. No, I’m not going to site-specific examples as I’m sure you have seen, read or heard your share of them.  I just want to point out that if your messaging is confusing, contradictory or can be perceived or interpreted as negative or derogatory in any way it will not contribute to your sales success in any way.

-Over or underuse of specific communication techniques.

Technology wants us to believe that the only way to sell to people today is with social media, emails or the latest Techno Whiz.  Yes, these are important and can often be an integral part of lifestyle today but let me assure you “word of mouth” has not lost its impact on the buying public or process.  When the average customer has a negative product or service experience, research tells us - they will, on average, tell 9 people.  

And, those 9 people on average will tell five people and this process just continues on and on – so let me ask you how many people over time do you think will get that negative message and how much money do you need to spend on promotion and advertising to counteract this negative exposure?

Just ask any organization that has lost customers, market share, and even gone belly-up due to negative press and I’m not talking about “fake news” and in hindsight, they will admit they failed to anticipate the negative consequences due to this negative experience.

If you think you are going to hit a home run every time with a campaign of a new product or service relying only on your investment in technology exposure - you are living in “fantasy Land”. I can hear some of you now, “NO, Tim you are living in “Denial-Land” and just don’t get it – how people are buying today.”  OK, you are not listening – I didn’t say you didn’t need to use these media sources to improve sales, I said you need to not rely ONLY on them.

-A lack of execution integrity.

Talk is cheap today.  People seem to throw commitments, promises and so many other things at customers, clients, friends, and even family members that in some ways they hope will happen, but are never 100% sure they will.   Ever left a message for a supplier who said they would get back to you in 24 hours and after a week, you still hadn’t heard from them? Ever have someone tell you they will meet you for; lunch, a meeting, coffee at a certain time and twenty minutes later they finally showed up?  Ever been promised a refund by a supplier who said it would only take 24 hours and after a few days you are still waiting?  Enough examples – I could give you thousands.  The common thread in all of them is a lack of integrity. There are far too many reasons and contributors to this issue in today’s sales (and general relationship) environment so let me just cover one simple concept – does this lack of consistency, integrity or commitment in your opinion, contribute to; poor customer loyalty, poor customer relations, poor repeat business, poor references and/or referrals, poor word of mouth and just a poor reputation in general?

If you want to avoid any of these “poor” issues (outcomes, results, consequences) – it’s simple - here are five things to consider (yes there are many more) – 1) start meaning what you say and saying what you mean. 2)Stop making excuses – just do it. 3)If you can’t do it or are not sure whether it will happen – don’t promise it. 4)If circumstances that are beyond your control cause a promise or commitment to not be delivered – fix it quickly. And 5) Learn from your communication mistakes. Stop repeating the same stupid behaviors that are doing nothing to improve your image and sales results whether as an individual or an organization!

How is your corporate "self-image"?

                                          Corporate self-image.

                                               Tim Connor

One of the critical factors for success in any endeavor is a healthy and positive self-image. Essentially a person’s self-image will determine:

-how they respond to life's circumstances

-how they view the world around them

-what goals they set for themselves

-how they react to failure and adversity

-how they feel about themselves and others

-how they behave when no one is looking

-how they handle difficult situations

-their destiny and much more.

All organizations are made up of groups of individuals (departments, subsidiaries, branches, etc.) who have an individual – group - self-images and therefore as a group tends to create what I refer to in my management seminars as an 'organizational self-image'. 

This group self-image can, over time, contribute to how each group, department, etc. as a whole tends to define itself and therefore act, behave, decide, etc. This combined self-image over time can cause organizations to excel or fail in the same way it causes an individual to succeed or fail.

For example, if a group of employees in a customer service department sees themselves as unimportant and unappreciated - the department, in general, will tend to, over time, treat customers in much the same way.  Yes, there may be select individuals who treat customers with respect and concern, but in general the department as a whole, because of its low self-image, will treat most customers poorly.

If the management team in an organization, for whatever reason(s), is not in sync with other departments and its direction, goals, decisions, philosophy, communication, etc. due to individual or group low self-esteem, it will create confusion, dysfunction, chaos, a lack of harmony, very little employee empowerment and poor performance among its employees throughout the organization.  It’s called “culture response”.

If the members of a sales team feel that they are unnecessary, constantly under pressure to perform with little or no positive reinforcement or appreciation or are perceived by other departments or senior management as nothing, but arrogant trouble makers, the individual self-image of the members of the group, over time, will become the 'group' self-image. 

As an example, one of the outcomes of this 'group self-mage' is often the same as in the list of consequences listed above.  One common sales outcome in this issue could be where the sales group's approach to price resistance is generally to reduce price rather than sell value thereby contributing to low corporate margins and profits.

I'll leave you with a few questions to consider - What is your overall corporate self-image?  What do you believe is the general corporate self-image of your major departments? What are the ultimate consequences either positive or negative that you are experiencing as a result of these various self-images?   What or who is contributing or re-enforcing this corporate self-image or department self-image?

Yes, there are many more questions I could ask but hopefully these have triggered your thinking.

In closing, as I have studied many organizations, around the world, that have both failed and succeeded over the years, with the purpose of learning what messages I needed to bring to management in my training programs – the single biggest issue in all of them was improving their corporate self-image.